Nadia Hashimi - The Pearl that Broke Its Shell

“After all that? A girl? How can this be?”

Gulnaz mumbled something that Shekiba could not make out.

“Is there no end to my humiliation?” he shouted. The baby began to cry.

Even a newborn can tell she is not wanted, thought Shekiba. Aasif walked into the living room and yelled for Shekiba to fix him something to eat.

“And it better be hot,” he shouted. “I’ve had enough disappointment for today.”

He fell asleep in the living room, his snores echoing down the hallway. Shekiba tiptoed into Gulnaz’s room. She was lying on her side, trying awkwardly to get her daughter to nurse. Shekiba sat her up and showed her how to tuck the baby under her swollen bosom. Small pink lips slowly opened and pulled together, her mouth closing in on Gulnaz’s nipple.

Shekiba noticed the funny look Gulnaz was giving her.

“I guarded a house full of women and children. I’ve helped with plenty of newborns.”

“Well, I haven’t. If only my mother were alive. It would be different then.”

Shekiba sighed. If only my mother were alive.

“What will you name her?”

“Shabnam.” Morning dewdrops.

“Beautiful. I made you litti . You are zacha now. Warm foods will heal your body.”

Warm and cool foods had nothing to do with temperature but everything to do with a mysterious inherent property of the food. Walnuts and dates were warm. Vinegar and oranges were cold. Joint aches and childbirth made the body cold and were treated with a diet of warm foods.

Gulnaz took the bowl readily. The hours of straining had left her pale, exhausted and ravenous. She spooned the hot soup into her mouth, pausing just once to look up at Shekiba with gratitude.

“I am glad you are here, Shekiba.”

Shekiba froze. It was not like Gulnaz to make such a statement and it made Shekiba fidget. She picked up the baby instead of responding.

“I thought it was going to be a boy. We waited for so long. And in the end, God gave me a girl.”

“Aasif is upset.”

“He says it’s my fault. He didn’t want to hold her. He was too upset.”

“You will have another. You had one baby. The door is open now. God will give you another.”

“Maybe. He wanted to name her Benafsha.”

Shekiba looked up in surprise. Gulnaz’s face was calm.

“Think of that. To name my daughter Benafsha. He’s mad.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him I’ve never put up a fight before but there was no way I could call my daughter by that name.”

“And?”

Gulnaz’s face twisted with pain. Shekiba instinctively put a hand on her shoulder and leaned toward her.

“What is it?”

“She warned me it would be painful.”

“What would?”

“It’s my womb. The midwife said my womb would be angry and looking for the baby that used to live in it.”

“It is angry?”

“It must be. Oh…” Gulnaz moaned.

The spasm passed after a moment and Gulnaz remembered their conversation.

“He wasn’t happy. He stormed out. He said Benafsha would be a fine name for a girl, but I think he knows it’s wrong.”

And if word got back to the palace, it could cast suspicion on him, Shekiba thought. She smiled to think of Aasif not getting his way.

“I’m going to wash her up some more. She still has blood in her hair.”

Gulnaz gave a weak smile and closed her eyes, thankful for a moment’s rest.

Shabnam’s first year passed with two mothers. Gulnaz and Shekiba took turns bathing her, feeding her and rocking her to sleep. Shekiba held her head while Gulnaz lined her eyes with kohl and again a month later when she shaved her head to make her hair grow in thicker. Shekiba served tea and nuts when Aasif’s family came to visit, days that reminded both wives how fortunate they were not to be living at the Baraan family compound. Aasif’s mother made no attempt to hide her repugnance for Shekiba. She had been first to suggest her son take on a second wife, since his first appeared to have been defective, but this deformed creature with another barren womb was not at all what she had in mind.

She held her granddaughter but kept her eyes roaming around the living room, looking for evidence that her son’s home was not being kept well by his two wives. She had a talent for masking criticisms with compliments.

“The colors of your carpet finally show! Looks like someone took the time to beat the dust from it, eh? How long had it been? I had to wash my dress last time I went home from here.”

Neither Shekiba nor Gulnaz replied to her comment. It would only feed the flames.

“Gulnaz- jan, those cookies that you sent over, they were delicious! How lovely that you’ve finally started baking sweets!”

“I cannot take the credit for Shekiba- jan ’s hard work. She made the rosewater cookies and sent them over for you,” Gulnaz said, pretending to ignore the snide comment.

“Oh, well, I wondered how it was possible that after this much time you would have started to treat your husband’s palate to something tasty. Shekiba- jan, they were better than the cookies Khanum Ferdowz makes every year for her family and neighbors.”

“ Noosh-e-jan, Khala -jan, ” Shekiba said quietly as she refilled her mother-in-law’s teacup. “Please help yourself to another.”

“Maybe I will. It’s not often that my aroos makes such goodies.” She shook her skirt, a shower of crumbs raining down on the newly cleaned carpet.

“Who knows, Madar- jan, maybe it’s just not often that we get to taste them,” Parisa said, laughing. Parisa was Aasif’s eldest sister. She often accompanied her mother on visits, leaving her four children at home as she joined her mother’s social circuit.

Aasif’s mother smiled at Parisa’s comment. Her lips curled up at the corners and the dark hairs on her upper lip cast a shadow. Shekiba opened the teapot and, although it was still full, headed back into the kitchen to refill it.

Gulnaz and Shekiba breathed a sigh of relief when Aasif’s mother and sister finally left. Shekiba beat the cookie crumbs from the carpet and tossed the larger pieces into the cage for the canaries. They chirped and tweeted with excitement, watching Shekiba as they flitted from one side of the cage to the other.

Two had bald spots where the aggressive one had pecked their feathers away. Still, they looked content. They watched Shekiba cautiously, occasionally hopping a few inches closer to her for a better look. She reached her finger through the wires and wiggled it. All three birds retreated to the opposite side of the cage immediately, horrified that she would dare trespass into their home.

Shekiba withdrew her finger and watched their wings relax, their syncopated chirping less alarmed.

Shekiba did not have to guess. Though she recognized the signs, pregnancy was no less of a shock to her. She chewed on a piece of raw ginger and tried to ignore the nauseous rumblings in her stomach.

I will be a mother. I will have my own baby. Is this possible?

It meant a permanent break from her previous life. She could no longer float between genders like a kite carried by the wind. No more binding her bosom to disguise her figure. She would fool no one.

She watched Shabnam pull on her mother’s sleeve and try to pull herself up. She had learned to crawl only one month ago and had already tired of it. Shabnam was a beautiful girl. She had dark curly locks and lashes on her pleasantly plump face. Her loveliness softened her father’s disappointment. But Aasif only smiled at her when he thought no one was looking. He let her crawl onto his lap and paw at his face until he heard footsteps.