Amos Oz - Elsewhere, Perhaps

Admittedly, Hasia does not express her thoughts in this way. She is not given to voicing truths or coining slogans. But that is what we are here for. That is why Hasia works her fingers to the bone while we — to our shame — rest our hands on our arms and our arms on the desk and watch her out of the window, scratching the air with our pen, doing nothing. We are here to express things. We do not shirk our task. We express for Hasia what Hasia herself does not express. But our heart is bitter. We are uneasy. For once we shall let her speak for herself.

"A man should always try to be completely fair. It isn't always possible, but there are some people whe try and some who don't try. And the harder it is, the better you see what kind of a man he is, or if he's a man at all. If at least he makes an effort, then he's a man. If he behaves like a swine, then he's a swine. Personal example, my dear, that's what's important. At least with me. Take Reuven Harish, for instance. Before all this business he was really a somebody. I don't mean he didn't have his faults. Of course he did. I've known him for years, and I understand all his facets and all his problems. He's not a simple man. And he's had to go through a lot. But he was a somebody. He set an example. At least, he always tried to be fair. When Eva left, for instance. But now? He's reaping what he sowed. All the complications started because of him. I'm not blaming. Things like the goings on between him and Bronka happen, of course. A man of his age is still a man. But not when he's got an adolescent daughter. It's a very difficult age. As a teacher he ought to have realized that. That's how it is. Once you lose your head, that's it. You lose all restraint — whether you're an intellectual or not. And another thing — you should always know whom you're getting involved with. We've known for a long time that Ezra is a bit strange. What did they think? That he didn't know? That he didn't care? Isn't he a man, too, and a complicated character at that? Last winter already, believe it or not, even before Noga began, I said to my Tsvi that Ezra would do something that would make us all sit up and take notice. Not that he would commit murder or suicide. No, he's not the violent type, even if he is pretty massive to look at. But to start something with the girl — that's his form of revenge. You could tell. Last winter already I had a premonition. Do you remember the film we had here a month or two ago? That French film, with Françoise Arnoul. Remember? There was exactly the same thing there, with the general who carried on with the lieutenant's wife, and the lieutenant took his revenge with the general's daughter. Exactly the same. People are the same everywhere. The next day, after the film, I said as much to Nina in the kitchens, you can ask her, even though she didn't agree with me at the time. She said it wasn't the same. Of course, it's not exactly the same. I don't say that situations repeat themselves exactly. But people feel the same things everywhere, always. Actually, though, that wasn't what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell you something completely different. You get this triangle in lots of novels, too. And especially in a situation like this, with a girl like Noga, who takes after her mother. You know what I mean. I think heredity is very important. You can't change: if you're born like that, that's the way you are. All right. Up to there I can understand it. Even that she's pregnant from Ezra doesn't surprise me in the least. I said as much to my Tsvi at Shavuoth; I said that Ezra would make her pregnant. She doesn't know anything; nobody's ever taught her. That's another thing, incidentally, that'll have to change here: sexual education is very important for adolescents, because it's a difficult age. And Ezra isn't exactly the type to take precautions. All right, what's done is done. It's happened before in other kibbutzim and even here. It's not so long since Einav got married when she was four months gone. Of course that was entirely different — different age, different circumstances. Still, these things do happen. But that wasn't what I wanted to say to you. So far it's easy enough to understand. Not to condone, of course, but to understand. But there's one thing I can't begin to understand. I simply can't comprehend it. They say the girl absolutely refuses to have an abortion. What an idea! She has all sorts of romantic notions. And how she refuses! Reuven's gone completely to pieces, and she doesn't give a damn. And Ezra, of course, is just a shadow of his old self. He goes about quoting verses from Job and Ecclesiastes like… I don't envy him now. Even Bronka — imagine! — went to plead with the little so-and-so to go and have it. But nothing does any good. Her mind is made up. She says it's her child, and she won't budge. She's been taken out of school, even though Herbert Segal said she mustn't be victimized. I'm really surprised at Herbert. Usually he's much more strict and much less sentimental. All right. That wasn't what I wanted to talk about. She doesn't go and see Reuven. She hides from Ezra, or maybe he's hiding from her. So who's she got left? You'll never guess. The tourist. Ezra's brother, who's been here for two or three weeks now. Of course he's already stuck his nose deep into the dirt. I have a feeling he's the type that's fond of dirt, you know, a nihilist or an extrastentialist, some kind of a beatnik, and he's become Noga's spiritual father. Do you realize how far it's gone? And you know what they're saying about him? They say he has exactly the wrong influence on her. He's urging her not to do it. I mean to go ahead and have the child. Do you understand what's going on? Do you? If I were Bronka, I'd kick him out. Let him find somewhere else to stir up trouble. They're all the same, those Jews who went back to Germany after the war. They're up to no good. All kinds of underworld figures. You can imagine. To cut a long story short, when a man starts to go off the rails, and stops trying to be fair, you never know where it'll end up. Do you suppose Reuven ever dreamed that his affair with Bronka would lead to this? Believe me, if that child is born on this kibbutz — I won't work another day in the nursery. I'm only human, too. You know that I always try to be fair. But if they don't throw that tourist out, even if he is Ezra's brother and the Bergers' guest, then I tell you I really don't know what I'm doing here. Everything has its limits. He has a terrible influence on the girl. It's he who's urging her on to this madness. I won't be surprised, you mark what I'm saying, I won't be surprised if all this ends up in some catastrophe, Heaven forbid. I only hope I'm wrong. And, believe me, it hurts."

Ten days after her nocturnal visit to the fishermen in Tiberias, Noga informed her father of her condition. Reuven was unable to control himself and shed some tears in her presence. Noga, too, wept. Then Reuven summoned his last reserves of courage and said that something must be done. Noga made him totter and seize the back of his chair when she informed him icily that she did not intend to agree to "do anything." She would never consent to it. She would have the child. Why? Just to hurt and get her revenge? No, only because she must accept her punishment and her responsibility. She must suffer. Suffering would purify her. Silly little girl, they're just words, just the words of a dreaming girl. Dear Daddy, pure Daddy, you're the little boy, and I'm the grown woman. You'll never understand, Daddy. You're like… you're like a good little boy. Like Gai. You always think the world's made of words. You always always always want it to be good. Why should it be good? Why should it? Why shouldn't it be bad? Why not? Yes, bad. If it's worse, then it'll be truer. More alive, I tell you. But you can't see what I'm saying, dear Daddy, you're too pure and good. Don't cry, big boy, don't cry. Look at me. I'm not crying. Let's not cry. All right? Don't try to tell me that I'm bringing a miserable little bastard into the world. I've thought about that. Yes, I have. Are you surprised? Don't be surprised, Daddy. If you don't suffer, you don't live. If you're not a miserable bastard, you're sterile. Empty. I'm not talking about you. You're suffering now. My poor little girl, you can't know what… It'll be terrible, Noga, terrible….