Eimear McBride - The Lesser Bohemians

So take him down into me on the bed. Give and offer what shelter I have. At first we are only people in love, reducing all life to the measure between us. But others pass into. Lives break through, making him go elsewhere and I become. For allaying. My body is. Made the most of. Worked into and twisted. And he says no funny or filthy things, just imitates himself like I’m a lesson well learned — Remember, she likes this, and this — so I might best facilitate his shutting off the view. Not on purpose, I know. This is the day. But it lasts until it hurts and I miss him and say Please come now, you’re making me sore. And. He is irritated. Then he is Sorry sorry Eily love. Then does. Then lies down on top of me.

Strange day. And weather. And we are estranged. Standing on the Heath. Him looking away. Off to the left. I know his face but not what he’s looking at or the expedient body, calming itself, that somehow appears to be mine.

Hey.

His eyes close.

Hey.

Open again.

Sorry what were you saying?

Nothing, just, it’s raining.

So it is we should get in.

A pub. Pint me. Him soft drink. Why? Spot of Know Thyself probably won’t go amiss. But at least he takes my hand.

While the shower clatters, I read. He smokes and looks at the paper and looks out the window and time and then I see something I’ve not seen before. Him. With a wandering eye. Tiny. Really. Very small but we are electrical so I get every volt. First, minute reactions to women walking by. The eyes lifting, barely. Soon though more. Soon every time. Then catching theirs and I go so quick inside

I wish you’d stop doing that. What?

You know. No, I don’t.

I’m eighteen, not blind. I don’t know what you’re on about.

Yes you do. Eily, honestly, I’m not looking at anyone else.

So I ask about borrowing a book, to distract. Your copy of Doctor Faustus but there’s a fine arse passing and Thomas Mann can’t hold a candle to that. When I stop mid though he looks up swift Doctor Faustus Eil? Forget it, and I head to the toilet instead. Day, why are you being? Can you not just let us slide?

Of course, back there, the arse’s owner’s in my seat, pawing my pint glass, moulting in it.

Hello? Oh hi, just talking to your mate. He’s not my mate, actually. We recognised each other Eil but can’t quite place from where. Oh really? It’s true, sorry, is this your chair? Don’t worry, he says as I say Yes. Just grab that one over there Eily, this is going to annoy us. Oh yeah, I bet it is.

So I grab the chair and sit by him and tune for this next hour into The Tron? Don’t think so. Bristol Old Vic? Well that depends on. Apparently many things. Cue hilarious anecdotes of drink-sodden stints where paths surely must have crossed until they’re so bedecked in actor banter I can’t gauge what’s afoot. But tire of him falling for every flash of her tits and not holding my eye when I catch him at it. Then how she makes me a paragon to cut me out Oh I’m sure you wouldn’t be caught dead in a dive like that! You’re clearly made of finer stuff than us. Play-slapping his arm, which I know he hates but does nothing to shift from. I look at her nails. Her talented claws. Would he like them in his back? Does he think I don’t notice his ambiguity about what we are? Not holding my hand now. Not calling me love. Am I the unwanted hanger-on? Maybe. I know if I can smell the want off her he can smell it too. I still hurt from this morning, how he was. Has he already forgotten? But I’d let him do anything now, if only he’d send her away. So I look at him with all my love. Will him to see it and he does not. Just plays with her like he’s someone else, who hardly knows my name. Not until, camel though she is, she finally gets up to the Ladies, I say Please stop, I don’t like this game. What game? Please, you know what I mean. So you keep saying but, honestly, I’m getting a bit bored of your jealousy now. Won’t look at me though, still won’t look. Do you love me? Ah don’t start that, it’s been a long day. Do you? Come on, what am I supposed to say? That you love me and, hopefully, remember it yourself. Stop being so fucking childish, I haven’t the energy for this. Fine, then I’ll leave you and your fucking friend to be grown-ups! I get up and. Eily don’t, he says. Don’t what? Don’t go please stay. Why? To compete? No, please Eily don’t leave me alone not with her. But choking now in the weirdness and temper I go anyway. Eily, I’ll see you later, alright? Eily? Eily? Back at the flat? I keep going though and don’t turn around for fear of what I’d shout.

And I don’t go back to the flat. I go to Kentish Town instead. Flatmate lying on the sofa like he’s never left. Football on the telly. Wasn’t expecting you tonight, paradise on the fritz? Yeah, something like that. Well, go grab yourself a beer, I’m expecting a couple of mates.

By midnight, langered. Wound up and hot. Chucking chips at the ceiling because Fuck the bank! And I’m laughing all over but when the phone rings insist I am not here. Hello? Oh mate, you’re in the shit. No she doesn’t want to talk. No, if I were you mate, I’d leave your grovelling until the a.m.

Knock knock.

She says go away, it’s late. Tell her I want to see her and I won’t leave without.

Go on, go out to him, Flatmate says But keep it down, the neighbours are dying to call the cops.

Like glint webs his grey eyes lift up to the light. Every part of him. Every part of him I What did you do? Eily I. Did you come here from her? Can I come in? No and did you? I walked her home. And? Something interesting in his face. Did you fuck her? No, can I come in, please? I go back to my room with no stuff in. Black Kentish Town where curtains should be and

Did you kiss her?

Eily.

Did you?

I did.

And then?

She asked me up.

And you went?

I went.

And then?

She Eily

She what?

Eily

Tell me

She offered she started to

Oh god oh god oh God

Eily Eily I’m sorry and he reaches and his hands look so thin and

Oh God how could you?

But Eily I didn’t after a few minutes I told her stop then I left Eily

Get out.

Get out.

I didn’t do it Eily. I stopped and

You’re a bastard.

I know but I didn’t come I promise I didn’t even get close

Too late for late manners. My body falls out of light. Slips from its traces. Repeats

Get out!

Eily

Leave me alone!

Eily — grabbing hold of me — I didn’t do it, do you understand?

But you kissed her and you put your dick in her mouth

It was nothing Eily, she was nothing to me

Is that what you used to say to Marianne?

Oh God it is but Eily I mean it now.

Get off me! Get off!

Eily, I could’ve and in the past I always have but this time I didn’t. Eily isn’t that love? Eily?

But I slip him. Lie on the bed. Find what parts hate to cry and nail them to my front. As if every vein though has come undone the pain makes me anyway. Makes and forces. Almost scream into the wall. Oh God don’t cry, don’t cry like that Eil don’t don’t it’s not worth that I won’t do it again it was an accident Eily Eily? But I do not respond. I look into the paint and its world beyond doing where all is white. Where all is nothing and wish I was that. So it’s a cold bed we make tonight and lie awake hours upon.

In sleep too, damage. Dreams of dreams. Animals fighting in my body. His, being obscene. Nightmare across to the early waking and remembering what he’s done.

Turn. His body lies half-naked and pearled. Inclining in towards mine. And further down, site of an old thrashing catching the sun. There is so much love. The eyelids flutter up and he smiles before remembering. Then just looks at me. Somewhere below though he finds my hand. Works his fingers in through mine. But the hurt is so fine I must torture it for more. I look at his mouth and imagine how he kissed her. She must’ve been pleased. How he is when wants you. How that makes you feel. Enough to get down in front of a stranger on her knees and how hard was he then for her? I hate you, I say. You love me, he says And I love you, and I did something bad but I swear I won’t do it again and I’m so fucking sorry. Get out of my bed. Eily. Out of my room. Get out of my flat. Alright, and he stands into the six o’clock. Puts on his shoes. Shirt. Coat. He says Eily, later, please come to the flat. I’ll be waiting for you Eily. I say Then wait, and curl in on myself, leaving him only to leave.