Eimear McBride - The Lesser Bohemians

And the day weights to dozing. I read as he sleeps, feeling as though I got shook in the night and somehow forgot. It’s not me it all happened to and yet. Now that I see how he wears it I cannot forget or be back to before. This must be a getting used to thing. Soon enough it’ll probably lie down. For him too. I know because here in the skin, where no strand seems strange, this love insists upon itself. And we will be ourselves again. It’s only odd today. So watch the sun go right across the sky, then nudge him. Wakey wakey, rise and shine, time to go home and change.

What’re you wearing? I ask back at his. This? he tugs. You can’t, it’s filthy. Who cares, Raf won’t be looking at me. Oh don’t, I say I’m so nervous already. Why? Because it’s like meeting your dad. It’s really not, he’d be chasing you round the table in five minutes flat and I promise Rafi won’t do that the dad was more David anyway. You miss him. I do. How long is he dead? Two years. It happened pretty quick. Sore leg turned out to be cancer of the pancreas but we were both with him at the end. You know my dad died from that? I remember, it’s a bad way to go but his wasn’t a bad death, if you know what I mean and when I go You’re not though. No. How’s your heart? It’s fine. Is it? Yes, I have a yearly check and Eily really it’s okay. Promise me promise me. Hey love hey I promise, it’s fine so what do you want me to wear? Have you a suit? Mmmm, might have, he says. Well, I’ve never seen you in one, will you wear it? Raf’ll know I’ve lost my mind for sure but, for you, anything. Okay then go get in the shower while I blow-dry my hair.

I draw the line at a tie, he says buttoning his shirt and sitting to light a fag while I attempt make-up. Kneeling with my hand mirror by the bed. Blue dress, old, but nicest I have. I like having you here, he says Cluttering the place up with your hairbrushes and that, all those little weird bottles and woman’s stuff. I roll my eyes. Fine, laugh, but it’s nice watching you get ready to go out for the night, with me, to my friend’s, like any couple might, anywhere in London on a Saturday night. I’m just sitting here, watching you and I can’t believe my luck — and his face goes full of feeling suddenly — I’m thirty-nine today and, you know, I can’t remember the last time I felt so normal. That’s you Eil, you’ve done that. You make me feel like I’m a normal man with normal things going on and that’s all I’ve wanted, as far back as I can recall. I go sit by him then. Kiss his crown, put my arms round his neck and be with him, just for a bit, not for long. Until a clock somewhere downstairs clangs time. Alright, he says putting his glasses on We should be on our way.

Hand in hand we walk. Turning heads, I think. I’m so proud to be with him. Look at us, he nods, into a shop window You’re so lovely and I clean up alright. And surveying ourselves now we try to believe it. That we have come through that night, out into these days. That we are in love and anyone can see, for isn’t it burning off us? Hey! Taxi! Come on Eily, get in.

*

Jesus, this is where he lives? Yeah, he gets the gate but I insist You go first, as the great door swings and whirl comes pouring through. Music. Booming Hello Hellos and that man from months ago, in knee-length shirt, grabbing hold and kissing him. Then back at arm’s length Let me look at you! Tugging at his hair Rapunzel! and My God, a suit! Ah, he shrugs and Nice dress Raf, who laughs Especially for you, now introduce us. He steps aside and I I am under eyes and suddenly palmed forward into yet more of his life Eily, this is Raf. Nice to meet you, I say, hand out but find myself crushed against exotic scents instead. Wonderful to meet you, darling girl, you’re very welcome. Now come in! Come in! fussing my jacket off while I stare at the ceiling that closes miles above. And all the rest, just as he said. Books. Paintings. Beautiful universe that he is crossing into obliviously, already halfway down the hall saying Smells good Raf, and Where do you want this wine? In the fridge, champagne first, open it for me, would you? And the so much space takes him away, leaving me to finicket beneath my surveyal. Kindly meant though, I think. Glasses passed and Is it short for Eileen? No, I. I’m sorry, Irish names are It’s alright, I say Everyone asks that, it’s actually short for. Pop. Fuck! he says quick to the imprecise pour, laughing, licking it from his fingers. Clink it and Happy Birthday, Rafi says And to finally meeting you — then more quietly — David would’ve been so pleased. Well cheers, he says as I take his hand. Drink and hope it loosens my tongue. What’s dinner? he asks, lighting up. Roast beef, just how you like — although really, why you English do is a mystery to me — and Eily you’re a good influence, I see. Usually he arrives like he’s been through the hedge. Well, there was some protesting, I say. Changed man Raf! Now if you can work on his smoking. No, there are limits, he laughs and amid it Rafi’s eyes move over us and I feel seen as better than I can possibly be but then, maybe, he’s only noticing that little hole in my dress. Lay the table, will you both? Dining room? But of course! Come on Eil, and I’m led in through beautiful rooms. Alright so far, love? I nod, but marvel at him at home in such realms and their photographs Look, it’s you! Glass Menagerie, he says David directed, Rafi designed. And this? — him asleep on a crate, sword under his head. End of the tech, he says Henry V. And this one is David? Rafi, at the door, says It is. I put it down Sorry. No, no need, no need. Him — draping me — saying He’d have loved her, don’t you think? Rafi pats my cheek I think he would. Where am I now? What is this world? I remember you from the National, Rafi continues He came back during that awful play. When I suggested a drink though he said he had a girl waiting. Oh, I said Unlucky for her. Not this one, he said. So, another long-lost sister? But no, apparently not. My goodness, I said Really? What’s going on? I don’t know, he said. But something is? Something, he said. I couldn’t believe it. Would you really let yourself? I asked and he just smiled. That’s why I came outside, to see if you were real. He kept warning me Not too close, like you were some exotic bird he didn’t want to scare away. Sure enough though, there you were and now you’re here, well well.

Off into the eating then. My manners, and Rafi’s, are good but his attentive though at every turn. Peas, love? Another yorkshire? More wine? while Rafi sporadically invokes David’s view of this blessed night being long overdue. And I try to give smiles because they’re all I have. Yet what remedy are they? Plain they both feel his loss but happy tonight, happy too. And after eating Now, go open more wine and cut up that cheese, it’s out on the counter, while I escort Eily into the sitting room.

It bleeds its description. Big and cold. Pasts slide by side as Rafi steers to a piano laid out with more photos in frames. Lots of him, with them, by himself. Some from productions. One with David, obviously ill, attempting to trap a last moment of normal but the smiles are too happy and the exhaustion plain. I have a few of those photos at home. Rafi offers another Ten years ago, France. Himself and David sat on a bench. Him, down front, smoking a cigarette. Younger and smiling but not happy in himself. And this one I like, from later that same day. Him sat alone, cigarette again, apparently staring into the sun. So handsome, I say, then cringe. Rafi only laughs His blessing and curse. He has a good heart though. I’m sure you know that but do you know about the nights he spent here? Well I know he and David were together. No no, I don’t mean that. Sorry, I crucify. I meant, he smiles David was the saving kind, used to allow all sorts to stay here. God knows where he found them. It used to drive me crazy — although I must say I miss it now. But if it was drugs or problems like that David would ask him to come over, whatever the time, even three a.m. I’d say He’s rehearsing in the morning, but David still called and he always came. Sometimes spend hours talking them down. He’s good at that. Very calm. Not afraid of what people might do to him. And I am surprised and not surprised to hear these things. So many worlds swim beneath his skin. I think David hoped it would help him forgive himself because that’s all he really Ah now Raf, he interrupts Stop putting the weight of the world on her, I already have. Ignore his forgiveness spiel Eil, I’m fine as I am, and I get a quick kiss. Rafi raises his palms Not another word.