Carrie Fisher - Postcards from the Edge

“God, man. I should never have done this. I should never have done all this blow. I hate myself. Why did I do this? Now I have an upset stomach from the wheatgrass juice and the fuckin’ thing with the blow. I wonder if that girl with the black dress is still at the… Here we are, this is his block.

“I feel so dumb now. Why did I do that? Well, I didn’t do anything dumb. It was probably the blow. That blow did burn a little bit. Now we’ll get some better blow. I hope he has some good blow. I hope he has some blow . Maybe he has a lude, though. You know, if I could… Well, now I’m maybe in kind of a two-lude mode…

“What do you mean, I’m talking to myself? Well, obviously I’m talking to myself. I can’t talk to you . What do I have in common with someone who writes articles about stereo equipment? Jesus.

“All right, let’s just get inside, we’ll get inside. How much cash do I have? Hundred and ten, a hundred and ten bucks, that’s good. Maybe he’ll take a check, that’d be okay. I don’t like to do that, though. What if they…

“Alex. It’s Alex!”

What is this asshole, deaf?

“Hi! Hi, man, how ya doin’? Yeah, yeah, I know it’s late. Yeah, well, we were just drivin’ around and… You know Steve. Yeah. Well, can we come in? Thanks.

“So, do you have any coke? Half a gram? What do you mean? I thought you were a dealer. Can you get more?”

Oh, shit . Oh, shit!

“Well, do you have any ludes or anything? I’m really on edge now, I’m so on edge. Well, yeah, get the half a gram, and see if… Whatever you have. Anything you have. I just want anything you have. And Steve wants whatever else there is.”

God damn it, why did I do this? Just give me that half a gram, and then I’ll take the half a gram, and then I’ll try and decide what to do. I’ve gotta figure out how I’m gonna get down… I don’t want to be with these people. Who are these people? I loathe these people. Look at the skin on that guy, God, it’s enough to drive anyone insane. What is that, a bug on the floor? Look at this place. God, what a dive. What a miserable dive.

I hear people. Why do I always hear people? Wait, now, this is the coke, just calm down. What’s the big deal? Just calm down . I can’t believe this, I’m not gonna be able to drive. I feel like digging a hole in the carpet. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Is that the sun coming up? No, it’s probably just… It is, it’s the streetlight. I just hope those birds don’t come out. I’ll kill myself, I will, I’ll kill myself if those fuckin’ birds come out. I’ve gotta have those ludes, gotta have a set of ludes just to get me down. Maybe I should check his medicine cabinet, but he’s a dealer so wouldn’t he be smart about that? Nah!

“Can I use your bathroom?”

I loathe this guy. Let’s see, what’s he got? Anacin. Afrin. Actifed. Lomotil—sure, ’cause he’s got the runs all the time from the baby laxative in his fuckin’ blow. Percodan! Jesus! Two. Two’s not usually enough, but fuck it, I’ll take the two. Endo 333, oooh , my favorite. I better run the water so they don’t hear me close this. Aaahh, that’s good, that’ll be good. I’ve taken so much blow, though. Two Percodan on all this blow won’t even matter. Maybe I should go get health food… Tomorrow I’m really…

That’s it, man, this is it . I’m gonna remember this, I’m always gonna remember this. That I’m sitting here in Brentwood with two loser guys that I have nothing in common with, doing drugs and trying to make conversation. I could kill myself. I loathe my life.

I’ll never feel those Percodan. Goddamn it, I hope he’s got some ludes. Please let him have ludes.

“Oh, man, I feel a little better after going to the john. Hey, listen, man, you wouldn’t have any ludes or anything? I mean, I know I asked you already, but I had like a very tense day. I had some bad wheatgrass juice and… I don’t know, maybe it’s an astrological thing, but…

“Ecstasy? No, but I’ve heard of it. Yeah, right, who hasn’t? Aren’t you supposed to be with girls or something? Really? It just puts you in a good mood? Well, great, give me some. A good mood? Oh, great. No, no, I’m in a good mood now, I’m just in too strong of a mood. No, let’s, let’s… Give me one of those. Sorry, I didn’t mean to grab.

“Great! They’re big, aren’t they? Do you have anything to wash it down? Any tequila or anything? Yeah, beer’s fine. Oh, wow. So how long do these take to kick in? No, not since that juice this afternoon. Really? That quick? What’s in it, do you know? Somebody said there was heroin in it. Not this stuff? Okay, good, ’cause that’s the one thing I don’t wanna do. Well, one time I snorted some, but I would never do any needles. I really think that makes you a drug addict, and me, I’m like a neck-up person.”

I feel a little nauseous all of a sudden. It’s probably the juice.

“Hey, this is a nice place. I’ve never really noticed that you have a nice apartment. It’s like, kind . I don’t know if that’s an appropriate way to describe decor, but it seems so… friendly. Particularly for a dealer’s house. What is this music? This is fantastic music. Really? I usually hate Led Zeppelin. It’s so interesting, so interesting. Do you mind if I lie down near the speakers? Do you have a pillow or anything?”

God! I feel like I’m making such a fool of myself. I don’t even know these guys and I love them. I guess it’s gotta be the drug, but it doesn’t seem like the drug. Maybe this is the Percodan. I know it’s not good to mix so much, but this feels like such a good blend. Maybe this is exactly right . Maybe from now on I should only do a little cocaine, a couple of Percodan maybe, and then that Ecstasy, and listen to Led Zeppelin. And that’ll be my recipe. Like when I’ve been good, like I have for the past whatever. I’ve been straight… I mean, I was drinking, but I don’t count that. When I’ve been straight for this kind of a while and I really get on edge, the way to take it off is to be with these guys . I love these guys.

I mean, I don’t want to have sex with them, but that idea is not totally repellent to me, either. Steve, even though he has bad skin, is a great guy, and he’s got an ass like a girl. I never noticed that before. Oh, I’m so happy . I think I’ve really turned this experience around.

“Steve. Don’t ever leave me. I can’t imagine being separated from you people. Ever .”

I want to bond with them on some level. I want to show them how I feel. Maybe this is too excessive. Yeah, I should just get more into the music.

That girl at the party in black… Even the party seems nice now. Maybe we should… No, I’d have to move. Maybe I could call the party and tell them to send the girl here. That would be perfect.

I just feel at one with everything. I remember the time I took acid, and I took the wrong end of the cardboard and it never came on. Maybe this is like acid. But everything looks the same, it just looks nicer . Nicer to be with. Maybe I should decorate my apartment like this.

My nose still hurts, though. Maybe I should never take cocaine again. Yeah, from now on I’ll just take Ecstasy every so often. It’s probably better for me. They only just made it illegal, so how bad could it be? And they haven’t even said it’s bad for you. They just don’t really know yet what it does to you.