Carrie Fisher - Postcards from the Edge

“ (sniff) Mmmmmhh! (sniff) Ooohhhh, fantastic . Oh, great . Shit, that’s great! Mmmmhhhhh! It just burns a little bit. There’s not much cut in it, right? Yeah? It’s good. No, I really don’t need any more. I mean, I can handle it, I just think that was it. You know, people come to a party and they do one hit to break the tension, and I think I can really master that now. I can do a little bit.

“God, I feel so… I really feel good about my commitment to not doing drugs. I mean, just doing a little bit of drugs. Feel my arm. I feel really good. Well, I know I don’t look that great, but I didn’t sleep that much and I drank this bad juice.

“Let’s go over and talk to that girl. I wanna go over and talk to that girl. Who is that girl? Lisa what? What is she, an actress or something? I loathe actresses. She looks smart, though. Smart people always wear black. Who’s the guy she’s talking to? Craig? I wanna go talk to her. God, he’s such a loser . I should talk to her, I’m like a real guy. I have to go talk to her. Give me another hit of that stuff, maybe I’ll go talk to her. I know what I said, I know what I said. Just give me one more hit. What are you, stingy with the blow now? I’ll help pay for it. I’m just gonna do it… Like, I’m gonna celebrate not doing it by doing a little bit. (sniff) Mmmmhh! (sniff) Yeesssss!

“I wish there was something like holistic blow, you know what I mean? That there would be some way in nature you could take blow and it would be good for you. I wish my doctor would make me take it for some weird ailment I have. This is good coke, though. This is really good. How much did you pay for this? Not bad. That is not bad . And who did you get it from? Oh, yeah, I had some once from him that was so great. Remember the night we… Give me another hit. Give me one more hit.

“ (sniff) Aaaahhh! (sniff) Ooooww! No, it’s not the coke, it’s me. I had this cold last week. Actually, I think it was more my sinuses. I have a sinus problem, or I seem to more in the last couple of years. I don’t know, I have to go to a doctor at some point.

“Nah, I don’t want to talk to that girl anyway. I wanna talk to you . I’ve missed you. I really feel like I can talk to you, I really feel we have a lot in common. I know we don’t see each other much socially, but I’ve gotta say every time that we’ve spent time together, I’ve enjoyed it. Remember the night in Vegas when we met? You weren’t actually dealing then, were you? Someone said you were a dealer once, I nearly punched the guy out. You’re like a really good guy, man. I really like you.

“Think we can get any more of this stuff? ’Cause, I mean, I’m quitting after tonight anyway because, I don’t know, I should start taking care of myself. Whew, my heart is really palpitating. You think if I took one more hit it might calm me down a little bit? I know that sounds like a dumb cocaine question, but I think if you do a certain amount and then taper off, you can hit that peak and really be buzzing, you know, when you feel like the world is lined up just exactly right. God, I sure love life. Can I have another hit?

“I think this is good for me—to test my resistance. I mean, I think it’s wimpy to give up cocaine. Master the drug, that’s the key—the total key to the whole thing. I mean, people who actually have to go and give it up—it just shows they’re weak. They go to groups like Cocaine Anonymous and those people, they always fuckin’ talk about drugs. You know? It’s like all they do is not do drugs. Well, man, I’d rather do drugs. Do you have another hit?

“Man, this party’s a drag. I don’t know, I feel so agitated and, you know, itchy to… Can we go to your place? Hey, come over to mine. Well, let’s just go outside then, let’s walk around. There’s nobody here that I like. God, look, they’re eating . Uuggh, look at that shit, it looks awful. Come on, let’s go outside and talk.

“Did I ever tell you I graduated with honors from high school? Yeah, I was a real brainy kid. Very precocious. I don’t know, I thought I’d go into writing because it interested me. But I gotta tell you, the environment at the networks is just not that exciting. I’d rather be in music, you know, but I don’t play an instrument. Maybe I could learn, though. I feel now like I could learn an instrument. Do you play an instrument? That’s interesting, that’s very interesting. We both don’t play any instruments. But, you know, I feel that you, like me, we have the spirit of musicians. You know, sitting around communicating. I think artists do that.

“That girl in black, maybe she’s an artist. I’ve always wanted to meet someone who wrote poetry and went to jazz clubs, and she’d draw me into her life and we’d become soulmates. I wonder if I have a soulmate.

“Can I have some more blow? One more hit, ’cause I’m like really cresting now. Maybe we could just buy a little, what the hell? This is a party. I have not been getting loaded. This is a reason to celebrate.

“ (sniff) Aaaahh! (sniff) Ooohhh! There is like an edge on this, though, don’t you think? Am I sweating? I look all right, don’t I? I don’t look paranoid, do I? Sometimes I get paranoid that I look paranoid. I don’t want anyone to think I’m paranoid. It’s not like I care what people think, but sometimes I do. I admit it. I’m a human being. I’ve always cared a little bit what people think.

“But anyway, I like it when it’s like this, you know, and we’re just talking. This is a great conversation, man. We should be taping this. So, what do you do? You’re writing? What are you writing about? Articles on stereo equipment. That’s fascinating. So should we go buy some more of this blow? He’s out? Well, let’s go to Brentwood. No, that’s true, he usually has shitty blow, but it’s not that expensive and he’s always there.

“Are my gums bleeding? It feels like my gums are bleeding. I don’t know why, I must have cut myself talking. Maybe we could get a lude, too, because I’m starting to feel very… unhappy . I don’t mean unhappy, literally, but it’s like I wanna be somewhere else but I don’t know where I wanna be… let’s go to Brentwood. Let’s just, fuck it, let’s go to Brentwood. Leave your car here, I’ll drive you back later. How many toots do we have left? Shit, well, let’s go to Brentwood.

“God, I wish I hadn’t had that wheatgrass juice, I feel awful . Shit, they really should give you instructions with health food. Anything taken to excess can be unhealthy, even healthy stuff. But forget about excess, I don’t even think it’s that good for you in moderation. Nothing green can be good for you, can it? Uuugghh! Give me some more. Let’s just do the last hit, just so we can get into the car and get to the next stop. (sniff) (sniff).

“What’s the matter with you? You look tense. Are you okay? God, what time is it? Sometimes I get so nervous and I don’t know why, you know? I heard this phrase once, ‘contentless fear,’ and I think that’s what I have now. ’Cause there’s no reason why I should be this jumpy. I mean, I’m comfortable with you, or I was comfortable with you. I’m sorry I’m talking so much. I don’t know, it just must be the night. God, what a night.

“ Jesus! Where did that guy come from, I almost ran him over. Jesus! Jesus. Okay, okay, I am slowing down. I don’t know, somehow it got up to seventy-five. Jesus. Let’s do the rest of the blow in case we’re stopped. What did you do, hog it all?