Alex Howard - Library Cat

Library Cat didn’t like the poster. The plethora of exclamation marks alone made him deeply weary.

I’d rather miss out , he thought, sardonically going back to give the strange plastic mouse thing another sniff. Again he jumped, his eyes widening. There was something about the smell that spelt: fear-fear-fear!

I must get to the bottom of this business , he asserted to himself, and marched over to the bustling steps of the library.

The foyer of the library was pleasingly empty that afternoon. Library Cat slipped his head under the sliding glass gates and over to his favourite turquoise chair where he sat and pondered about how best to conduct his research on the red mouse-like stick thing. The odd student walked moodily up the zigzagging staircase, while in the far corner a Human in a yellow jacket started to push a large, droning box with a wet rotating disc under it for no apparent reason whatsoever. Library Cat watched it with suspicion, recalling his inexorable hatred of vacuum cleaners.

This is no place to think , he mused begrudgingly and with that he slipped away over to the secret portal to the Towsery.

That morning, the Towsery was alive with noise and commotion. Cats paced up and down agitated and mewing frantically, oblivious to the glow of the warm fire and the small platter of meats and milk that sat aside the fire grate. They eyed Library Cat’s arrival furtively. There was an odd atmosphere in the air; the cats were anxious about something. It wasn’t long before Library Cat deduced what all the fuss was about.

There, on the floor covered in hairs, was another of the mouseoid rocket things with a stick attached to it laying in the middle of the room, positioned carefully upon a small pile of books as if it were an exhibit in a crime case, or the biggest most bejewelled crown in the Tower of London. Next to it, several calendars were scattered, one of which was open at 5th November. Alongside these were history books, some old with golden-edged pages, and others newer with coloured illustrations. Library Cat looked upon these pictures with some alarm. Upon one of them was a sketch of a Human with a great beard donning a peculiar set of clothes entitled “Guy Fawkes”. Across his jovial, belligerent face ran five parallel lashes where a cat’s wrath had got the better of him, leading him to scratch the image of this Fawkes character and the shady threatening context that seemed to surround him. At the top left of the page there was printed in tiny, block capitals a date, 1605, and this had plainly caused some interest among the more learned thinking cats in the Towsery that morning, since many of the adjacent older books were opened at pages that also displayed 1605 alongside various articles and historical entries. Several notebooks lay nearby containing notes that the cats had evidently written out in haste.

As Library Cat began poring over the documents, it soon became clear that the Humans engaged in a type of ritualistic behaviour on 5th November. Things were burnt and detonated and they all bayed and swooned at the marvel of it all. It seemed that on this particular day, the Humans adopted rather backward behaviour that aligned itself closely with the bloodthirsty, torturous victimisation cats prior to the Enlightenment. Library Cat’s eyes widened; he, like all thinking cats, was well versed since kittenhood in the Humans’ cruel treatment of cats before the Enlightenment. Bad harvests, bad weather and tyrannical monarchs were just a couple of the things that featured within the inexhaustible list of Bad Things for which cats were wrongly accused. All because they apparently were the Devil’s disciples. These days, the majority of Humans were educated and had eschewed these barbaric superstitions. Towsers and cats that lived near libraries were especially immune. However, there were occasionally exceptions, and black cats or part-black cats like Library Cat were listed in the “Most-Likely-To-Be-Sacrificed-For-Witchcraft” category. Even some academic Humans had upheld their prejudices against the cat despite the Enlightenment. Good academic Humans too: Charles Bukowski, for instance, maintained up until his death that, “The cat is the beautiful devil.”

Library Cat’s eyes swivelled from article to article, his heartbeat increasing until they eventually rested upon one article in particular. On the top left of the page was a small column that had been violently underlined in red by the other cats:

On occasion, in Scotland and Edinburgh especially, similar acts of […] burning and torture were levelled against cats who were believed to be associated with the Jacobite line.

(39 qtd. in The Thinking Cats’ Guide to Existential Emergencies )

Alongside the quotation was an image of an unfortunate cat in the grip of occultist Humans that Library Cat tried to forget. He stared into the middle distance, and took a deep breath:

OK. It’s Bonfire Night. Stay calm, Library Cat, stay calm. Notice the article is written in the past tense. These things are OVER. Most Humans are, and will remain, Enlightened and will behave kindly towards cats. These mouse rocket things – Fireworks – are so shaped to lure the more hapless, gullible cats into the Humans’ ritualistic behaviours. But we are one step ahead of them. We know their game. We shall resist. We must all have faith that their sanity will return by morning.

Library Cat promptly set to work. From the back of his mind came the image of a particular book. He knew it was stored in the Towsery, and could identify it by its own unique scent-code within the dusty stacks. He speedily found it along the stack and prodded it with his paw so it plopped into the aisle the other side. He pawed it over to the group in the centre of the room.

Surviving Bonfire Night by F. H. Pushkin was a tried and tested survival guide for Bonfire Night whose instructions had been perfected and tweaked across the years in subsequent editions. Library Cat opened it to a double-page spread depicting an incredibly detailed schematic, replete with illustrations and arrows and peppered with bullet points. Along the top, in large letters, read the following:

• STAY CALM. The cat community is not under siege.

• RESIST TEMPTATION to eschew Humans. They cannot be blamed for their inferior hearing and warped sense of fun.

• ABSTAIN FROM CATNIP. Hallucinations can result, and this might cause chasing so-called “sparklers”.

• MAINTAIN DIGNITY at all times. If your Human is kindly in nature, it is probable that they will subject you to a twenty-four-hour incarceration. Trust them. Maintain poise and refrain from chewing, spraying or soiling as this might result in your being jettisoned out into the hellish maelstrom.

• REFRAIN FROM PURRING. Try to cause your Human some mild concern by remaining close-at-hand, yet not quite yourself. This can also be affected by adopting the demeanour of existential malaise (see Camus, Baudelaire et al.) Know above all that the episode will pass and normality will resume.

Library Cat looked around at the panic. There were some cats he’d never seen before, whereas others he was sure he had seen but was pretty sure they were indoor cats, and had stolen away purely to attend this emergency meeting. This seemed to make them doubly nervous. As head Towser at Edinburgh University’s Library, Library Cat felt he should do something to restore order. He let out a long, sonorous meow.

“Mmmmmmwwwwwwwoooooooooohhhhhhrrrrr wwwww.”