Джей Эшер: What Light

I notice my fingers touching my necklace several times throughout the morning and afternoon. For dinner my parents and I have Chinese takeout in the trailer, and then a bunch of workers return after their family dinners. Like every year, we build a bonfire in the almost empty lot. We sit on wooden benches and folding chairs around the fire and roast marshmallows. Luis passes around a box of graham crackers and hands out chocolate for s’mores. Heather and Devon came by and are already bickering over what to do for New Year’s. He wants to watch football but she wants to start the year with a hike.

Jeremiah sits next to me. “You look too sad for Christmas, Sierra.”

“I’ve always hated the letdown after Christmas morning,” I say. “This year has been especially rough.”

“All because of Caleb?” he asks.

“Caleb. This town. Because of everything.” I look at the people sitting around the fire. “I kind of fell in love with my time here in a way I never have before.”

“How are you with advice?” he asks.

I look to him. “Depends on the advice.”

“As someone who’s lost a whole bunch of time with Caleb, and who’s going to have to fight for more, I can only say do everything you can to hang on to him. You’re really good for him,” he says, “and he seems good for you.”

I nod, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “He is good for me,” I say, “I know that. But logically, how can—”

“Forget logic,” he says. “Logic doesn’t know what you want.”

“I know. And it’s not just a want,” I say. I look into the fire. “It’s more than that.”

“Then you’re lucky,” he says, “because someone we both care a lot about more than wants the same thing.”

He taps me on the shoulder. When I look at him, he points a finger toward the dark silhouette of Cardinals Peak. Near the top are hundreds of colored sparkling lights.

I put my hand against my heart. “Are those my trees?”

“They just turned on,” he says.

My phone buzzes in my pocket. I look at Jeremiah and he shrugs. I pull out my phone and see a text from Caleb: Your tree family and I miss you already.

I jump to my feet. “He’s up there! I have to see him.”

Mom and Dad sit at the opposite side of the bonfire, a single long scarf keeping both of them warm.

“Is it okay if… ? I need to…” I gesture toward Cardinals Peak. “He…”

They both smile at me and Mom says, “We have an early morning tomorrow. Don’t be out too late.”

“Make good choices,” Dad says, and Mom and I laugh.

I glance at Heather and Devon. He’s got an arm around her and she’s tucked herself against him. Before I leave, I give my two friends a double-hug.

Heather makes sure my parents can’t hear, and then whispers in my ear, “Keep each other warm.”

I look to Jeremiah. “Can you drive me?”

“My pleasure,” he says.

“Okay,” I tell him, “but I need to grab something first.”

It feels like it takes longer than ever to drive from the lot to the gate at the base of Cardinals Peak.

When Jeremiah pulls onto the dirt and grass, he says, “You’re on your own, lot girl. I will not be a third wheel for this.” We both look up at the hill, to the distant lights on my trees. He reaches to open the glove box and then hands me a small flashlight.

I lean over and give him a hug. “Thank you.”

The flashlight turns right on. I hop out of his car and shut the door, and then he backs away. When the taillights fade, it’s just me, this tiny light, and a looming hill. The hill is dark except for one patch of colorful lights on my trees, with a very special person up there waiting for me.

I reach the last several yards before the final turn in the road, feeling like I must have flown up the hill. Caleb’s truck is parked ahead of me. The passenger window is open and a long power cord drapes down the door and into the brush where Caleb stands, facing away from me and toward the town. The Christmas lights on my trees are bright enough that I can turn off the flashlight and see my way safely to him. He looks down at his phone, probably waiting for a response.

“You are amazing,” I say.

He turns around, his smile bright.

“I thought you were with your family,” I say, stepping into the brush.

“I was. But apparently I looked distracted,” he says. “Abby told me to stop moping around and go see you. I figured this was a better way to have you come see me.”

“You definitely drew me in.”

He takes a step toward me, the lights dancing across his face. We both reach for each other’s hands and pull each other closer. We kiss, and this one kiss melts away everything I’ve been unsure of. I want this.

I want us.

I whisper into his ear, “I have something for you, too.” I reach into my back pocket and remove a folded envelope.

When he takes it, I turn on the flashlight and shine it at his hands. His fingers shake, either from cold or anticipation. It makes me happy that I may not be the only one on this hill who’s nervous. He pulls out the tickets to the winter formal, with the couple dancing together in the snow globe. He looks at me, and I know we have matching grins.

“Caleb, will you be my date to the winter dance?” I ask. “I won’t go with anyone else.”

“I would be your date to anything,” he says.

We hold on to each other in a tight, warm hug.

“You’ll really go?” I ask.

He pulls his head back and smiles at me. “What else am I going to save my tips for?”

I look into his eyes, and it comes out as a statement. “You know I love you.”

He leans forward and whispers into my ear. “You know I love you, too.”

He kisses me on the neck and then I wait while he walks to his truck. He leans into the open window, turns the key, and the stereo comes on. “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” plays into the cold night air around us. I stifle a laugh, and Caleb smiles.

“Go ahead,” he says, “tell me I’m cheesy.”

“Did you forget?” I say. “My family survives on this stuff.”

In the town below, I can see the flickering bonfire where Mom, Dad, and some of my best friends in the world are keeping warm. Maybe they’re looking up here right now. If they are, I hope they’re smiling because I’m smiling right back.

“Dance with me?” Caleb asks.

I hold out my hand. “We may as well practice.”

He takes my hand, spins me around once, and then we move together. The Christmas lights sparkle on my trees, which dance along with us in the gentle wind.

Ben Schrank, publisher, and Laura Rennert, literary agent

for being with me wholly since Book 1, and for being my insecure-author therapists as needed

Jessica Almon, editor

when I questioned, you believed; when I was done, you rightly pushed for more “It reminds me of a Taylor Swift song!”

Mom, Dad, and Nate (and my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, neighbors, friends…)

for my childhood of holiday magic

Luke Gies, Amy Kearley, Tom Morris, Aaron Porter, Matt Warren, Mary Weber, DonnaJo Woollen

my guiding angels

Hopper Bros.—Woodburn, OR

Heritage Plantations—Forest Grove, OR

Halloway’s Christmas Trees—Nipomo, CA

Thorntons’ Treeland—Vancouver, WA

for tours of your Christmas tree farms and answers to professional, personal, and silly (but legit!) questions