Джей Эшер - What Light

“I know, but I saw how envious you were,” he says, unable to hide his smile. “I figured, your winters get much colder than ours.”

I bet he doesn’t think I’ll wear it, which is why I put it on immediately.

He pulls the sides down over my ears, and then leaves his hands there as he bends forward to kiss me. I let the kiss happen, but I keep my lips tight. When he doesn’t pull back, I have to.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t do that here.”

A throat clears behind him and I look over his shoulder.

“I need you to get back to work, Sierra,” Mom says.

Caleb, clearly embarrassed, looks out at the trees. “Am I about to get outhouse duty?”

Nobody laughs.

He looks at me. “What’s going on?”

I look down and see Mom’s shoes move closer.

“Caleb,” she says, “Sierra has told us wonderful things about you.”

I look up at her, my eyes begging her to be gentle.

“And I know how she feels about you,” Mom says. She looks at me but doesn’t even attempt to smile. “But we’re leaving in a week and, more than likely, we won’t be back next year.”

I don’t take my eyes away from hers, but I can see Caleb turn to me, and my heart breaks. That was for me to tell him if necessary, and because nothing is certain it was not necessary yet.

“Her father and I aren’t comfortable seeing this relationship progress without everyone knowing where we stand.” She looks at me. “Your dad will be back in a minute. Let’s wrap this up.”

She leaves and I’m left alone with Caleb, his face a mix of betrayal and surrender.

“Is your dad not supposed to see me?” he asks.

“He thinks we’re getting too serious,” I say. “You don’t have to be afraid, he’s just feeling overprotective.”

“Overprotective because you’re not coming back?”

“That’s still not for sure,” I say. I can’t look him in the eyes anymore. “I should have told you.”

“Well, now’s your chance,” he says. “What else aren’t you telling me?”

A tear falls from my cheek. I didn’t even know I was crying, but I don’t care if I am. “Andrew talked to him,” I say, “but it’s okay.”

His voice is rigid. “How is that okay?”

“Because then I talked to them and I told them—”

“Told them what? Because we’re talking right now and everything is definitely not okay.”

I look at him and wipe the tears from my cheeks. “Caleb…”

“This is not going to change, Sierra. Not in whatever time your family has left. So why are you bothering with me?”

I reach for his hand. “Caleb…”

He steps back, forcing distance between us.

“Don’t,” I whisper.

“I said you were worth it, Sierra, and you are. But I don’t know if the rest of this is. And I know I’m not.”

“Yes,” I say, “Caleb, you—”

He turns and leaves the Bigtop, then walks straight to his truck and drives away.

The next day, Dad returns from the post office and drops a thick express envelope next to me at the register. Twenty-four hours have passed without Dad and me speaking. We’ve never been like this, but I can’t forgive him. At the top of the envelope is a red heart drawn around Elizabeth Campbell in the return address. After getting through two more customers I tear open the package.

Inside are a letter-size envelope and a glittery red box the size of a hockey puck. I take the top off the box, remove a square of cotton, and there’s the inch-thick cutting from my first tree. Around the edge it retains a thin layer of rough bark. In the center is the Christmas tree I painted on it when I was eleven years old. Two days ago, looking at this would have made me nervous about how Caleb would react if I gave it to him. Now, I don’t feel anything.

A customer steps up to the counter and I put the lid back on the box. When she leaves, I open the letter. While Elizabeth sent me the tree cutting, the note is in Rachel’s handwriting: I hope this helps with that Christmas miracle you asked for.

Along with the note are two tickets to the winter formal. Snow Globe of Love is written in fancy red script across the top. On the left side is a couple dancing within a snow globe as silver glitter falls around them.

I close my eyes.

On my lunch break I go to the trailer and hide the red box beneath a pillow on my bed. I remove the picture of Caleb and me tucked against the window seam and slip the tickets between the photo and the cardboard backing.

Before I lose my courage, I find Dad and ask him to take another walk with me. I’ve been stewing about this long enough. I help him strap a tree to a customer’s car and then we walk away from the lot together.

“I need you to reconsider this,” I tell him. “You say it’s not all about Caleb’s past, and I believe you.”

“Good, because—”

I interrupt him. “You said it’s also because we have less than a week left and I’m falling for him. And you’re right, I am,” I say. “I know that makes you uncomfortable for a million reasons, but I also know you wouldn’t say anything about it if you couldn’t use his past as an excuse.”

“I don’t know, maybe, but I still—”

“And while that makes me so mad because it’s not fair to Caleb, you’re forgetting about the one person who should be the most important part of this for you.”

“Sierra, you’re all I’m thinking about here,” he says. “Yes, it’s hard watching my baby girl fall in love. And yes, it’s hard to block out his past. But more than anything, honey, I can’t stand by and watch you get your heart broken.”

“Shouldn’t that be my decision?” I say.

“Yes, if you can take everything into account.” He stops walking and looks out to the street. “Your mother and I haven’t said this to each other yet, but we both know it. It’s almost certain we’re not coming back next year.”

I touch his arm. “I am so sorry, Dad.”

Still facing the street, he puts an arm around me, and I lean my head against his chest. “Me too,” he says.

“So you’re mostly worried about how I’m going to feel leaving,” I say.

He looks down at me, and I know I am the most important part of this to him. “You can’t understand how hard that will be,” he says.

“Then tell me,” I say. “Because you know. What did you feel when you first met Mom and then had to leave?”

“It was awful,” he says. “A couple of times I thought we weren’t going to make it. We even took a break and dated other people for a while. That damn near killed me.”

My next question is what I’ve been building to. “And was it worth it?”

He smiles at me and then turns to look back at our lot. “Of course it was.”

“Well then,” I say.

“Sierra, your mom and I had both been in serious relationships before. This is your first time being in love.”

“I never said I was in love!”

He laughs. “You don’t have to say it.”

We both look out at the cars, and I pull his arm tighter around me.

He looks down at me and sighs. “Your heart is going to break in a few days,” he says. “It will. But I won’t make it hurt more by taking away the next few days with him.”

I hug both of my arms around him and tell him that I love him.

“I know,” he whispers back. “And you know that your mom and I will be here to help put your heart back together.”

With his arm around my shoulder, and my arm hugging his side, we walk back to the lot.

“I need you to consider one thing,” he says. “Think about how this season will end for the two of you. Because it will. So don’t ignore it.”