Джей Эшер - What Light

“Close your eyes,” he says. “Concentrate.”

I close my eyes again.

“What does it smell like?” he asks.

Now I laugh. “Like someone recently brushed their teeth and is right up in my face.”

He nudges my arm, and—eyes still shut—I inhale deeply. Then I open my eyes, looking directly into his. He feels so, so close. My voice comes out breathy, almost a whisper. “Tell me. I like it.”

He smiles warmly. “It has some peppermint, some Christmas trees. A little chocolate, I think.” The label on the jar, in scripted gold letters, says A Very Special Christmas . He sets the lid back on the candle. “It reminds me of you.”

I wet my lips. “Do you want me to buy it for you?”

“That’s a hard one,” he murmurs, our faces mere inches apart. “I think I’d probably go crazy if I lit this thing in my room.”

“Guys!” Devon interrupts. “Heather and I are getting pictures with that Santa in the plaza. Want to come?”

Heather must have seen the moment happening between Caleb and me. She grabs Devon’s hand and pulls him back. “It’s fine. We can meet them later.”

“No, we’ll come,” Caleb says.

He holds out his hand and I take it. Really, I would love to disappear somewhere uninterrupted with him. Instead, we leave to get our picture taken while sitting on a stranger’s lap.

When we get to the plaza, the line snakes out from Santa’s Gingerbread Cottage, through the courtyard, and halfway around a wishing fountain with a bronze bear reaching into the water.

Devon flicks a penny and it hits the bear’s paw. “Three wishes!” he says.

While Devon and Caleb talk, Heather leans close to me. “Looks like you two could’ve used some alone time back there.”

“That’s the joy of Christmas,” I say. “You’re always surrounded—completely—by family and friends.”

When we finally get to the cottage door, a chubby guy dressed like an elf guides Devon and Heather to Santa, who is perched on an oversized red velvet throne. They squeeze together onto his lap. The man has an authentic snowy white beard, and he puts his arms around them both like they’re little kids. It’s silly, but adorable. I lean into Caleb’s shoulder and he puts his arm around me.

“I used to love getting pictures with Santa,” he says. “My parents dressed Abby and me in matching shirts and would use that year’s picture for our family Christmas cards.”

I wonder if memories like these are bittersweet to him now.

He looks me in the eyes and touches a finger to my forehead. “I can see your wheels spinning up there. Yes, it’s okay to talk about my sister.”

I smile and lean my forehead against his shoulder.

“But thank you,” he says. “I love that you’re trying to figure me out.”

Devon and Heather walk to the register, which is staffed by another elf. When we take our turn on Santa’s lap, I watch Caleb pull the purple comb from his pocket and run it through his hair a few times.

An elf with a camera clears her throat. “Are we ready?”

“Sorry,” I say, turning my gaze away from Caleb.

The elf takes several pictures. We start with some goofy faces but then lean back with our arms around Santa’s shoulders. The guy playing Santa goes along with everything, his jolliness never fading. He even tosses in a “Ho, ho!” before every photo.

“I’m sorry if we’re heavy,” I tell him.

“You haven’t cried or peed,” he says. “That puts you ahead of the game.”

When we hop off his lap, Santa hands us each a small wrapped candy cane. I follow Caleb toward the counter to look at our pictures on the computer screen. We choose the photo of us leaning against Santa, and Caleb buys a copy for us both. While those print, he requests a photo keychain, too.

“Really?” I say. “You’re going to drive around in your manly truck with a picture of Santa on a keychain?”

“First, it’s a picture of us with Santa,” he says. “Second, it’s a purple truck, making you the first person to call it manly.”

Heather and Devon are waiting outside the cottage for us, with Devon’s arm around her shoulders. They want to grab something to eat, so Caleb and I follow, but I have to guide him by the arm while he attaches the photo to his keyring. I successfully navigate him around one near-collision. Then I get so distracted by his careful expression as he slides our photo onto an item he’ll see every day that we walk into someone.

He drops his phone. “Oops. Sorry, Caleb.”

Caleb picks up the phone and hands it back. “No problem.”

We continue on and Devon whispers, “At school, that guy’s always got his face in his phone. He should try looking up every once in a while.”

“Are you kidding me?” Heather says. “You are the last—”

Devon holds up a hand like a shield. “I’m joking!”

“He was talking to Danielle,” Caleb says. “I saw her name on his screen.”

“Still?” Heather fills me in. “Danielle lives in Tennessee. He met her over the summer at theater camp, and they totally fell in love.”

“Like that’ll last,” I say.

Caleb’s eyes narrow and I wince, instantly regretting my words. I squeeze his arm tighter, but he keeps his gaze straight ahead. I feel awful, but he can’t possibly think there’s a real future in such a long-distance relationship. Can he?

This—Caleb and I—can only end one way, with both of us getting hurt. And we already know the date that will happen. The longer we push this thing forward, the worse that hurt will be.

So what am I doing here?

I stop. “You know what, I should really start heading back to work.”

Heather steps in front of me. She can see what’s going on. “Sierra…”

Everyone stops walking, but only Caleb refuses to look at me.

“I haven’t been helping out as much as I should,” I say. “And my stomach’s hurting anyway so…”

“Do you want us to drive you back?” Devon asks.

“I’ll walk with her,” Caleb says. “I’ve lost my appetite, too.”

We do most of the thirty-minute walk back to the lot in silence. He must know my stomach doesn’t really hurt because he never asks if I’m okay. By the time the Bigtop comes into view, though, it does hurt. I shouldn’t have said anything.

“I have a feeling all the stuff with my sister bothers you more than you admit,” he says.

“That’s not it at all,” I say. I stop walking and take his hand. “Caleb, I am not the kind of person who would hold the past over you like that.”

He runs his other hand through his hair. “Then why did you say that back there, about long-distance relationships?”

I take a deep breath. “You really think it’ll work for them? I don’t want to be cynical, but two lives, two sets of friends, two different states? The odds are against them from the beginning.”

“You mean they’re against us,” he says.

I let go of his hand and look away.

“I knew that guy before he met Danielle, and I’m glad he’s with her. It’s inconvenient, and he doesn’t see her every day or go to dances with her, but they talk all the time.” He pauses and, for a fleeting moment, his eyes narrow. “I really did not see you as a pessimist.”

Pessimist? I feel my anger rising. “That proves we haven’t known each other very long.”

“We haven’t,” he says, “but I’ve known you long enough.”

“Is that right?” I can’t shake the sarcasm from my voice.

“He and Danielle have a huge roadblock, but they work around it,” Caleb says. “I’m sure they know more about each other than most people. Are you saying they should only focus on the one thing that makes it difficult?”