Нед Виззини - It's Kind of a Funny Story

“Only then does healing take place.”

“All right.”

Nurse Monica leans back with her moon face.

“As you know, we have certain activities on the floor.”

“Right.”

“On your first day you are excused from activities, but after that you are expected to attend on a daily basis.”

“Okay.”

“That means you start today. This is an opportunity for you to explore your interests. So I ask you: what are your hobbies?”

Bad question, Monica.

“I don’t have any.”

“Aha. None at all?”

“No.”

I work, Monica, and I think about work, and I freak out about work, and I think about how much I think about work, and I freak out about how much I think about how much I think about work, and I think about how freaked out I get about how much I think about how much I think about work. Does that count as a hobby?

“I see.” She takes some notes. “So we can put you in any activity group.”

“I guess.”

“And you’ll go?”

“Can I play cards with Armelio in the groups?”

“No.”

“Will participating in them get me out of here on Thursday?”

“I cannot say for sure. But not participating will be viewed as a step back in the healing process.”

“Okay. Sign me up.”

Nurse Monica marks a sheet in her lap. “Your first activity will be arts and crafts this evening, before dinner, with Joanie in the activity lounge, which is through the doors behind the nurses’ station.”

“I thought those doors didn’t open.”

“We can open them, Craig.”

“When does it start?”

“Seven.”

“Oh. I won’t be there exactly at seven.”

“Why’s that?”

“I have to meet with someone at seven.”

“A visitor?”

“Sure,” I lie.

“A friend?”

“Well, yeah. So far. I hope so.”

At 6:55 P.M. I position myself at the end of the hall where I met with my parents yesterday and again today—around three, without Sarah this time; she was at a friend’s house. Dad didn’t crack any jokes and Mom brought the shirt for Bobby, who shook her hand and told her Your son is great and she told him she knew that. Dad asked whether we got to watch movies, and I told him that we did, but that since so many people were older, it was really boring movies with Cary Grant and Greta Garbo and stuff, and he asked if I wouldn’t enjoy him bringing over Blade II on DVD. And I checked with Howard and it turned out the hospital had a DVD player like everyone else in the world and so Dad and I made a date for Wednesday night, in three days, when he didn’t have to work late. He’d come by with Blade II and we’d all watch it.

The place I’m sitting in is the part of the H that mirrors the part next to the smoking lounge; Noelle said she didn’t smoke, so I think she wants to meet here. I didn’t tell my parents about her. I did tell them that I talked to my friends, that it didn’t go well, but that they were probably part of the problem anyway and it was good to stay away from them for a while. Mom said she knew my friends smoked pot and they were probably a bad influence anyway. Dad said Now you yourself haven’t smoked pot, right, Craig? and I told him no, no I hadn’t, not before the SATs like he told me. And we all laughed.

They asked how I was eating and I told them I was eating fine, which was true.

They asked how I was sleeping and I told them I was sleeping fine, which I hoped would be true tonight.

Now I sit with my legs crossed, only I think that looks weird, so I uncross them, only now I’m cold and nervous, so I cross them again. Right at 7:00 P.M. Noelle, in the same clothes I saw her in yesterday—dark Capri pants and a white wife-beater—comes down the hall.

She sits in the chair next to me and moves the hair away from her face with small fingers with no nail polish on them.

“You came,” she says.

“Well, yeah, you passed me a note. That’s like the first time a girl passed me a note.” I smile. I try to sit up and look good in my chair.

“We’re going to make this quick,” she says. “And it’s going to be a game.”

“Five minutes, right?”

“Right. Here’s the game: it’s just questions. I ask you a question, and you ask me a question.”

“Okay. Do you have to answer?”

“If you want, you can answer. But no matter what, you have to end with another question.”

“So we’re trading questions. Like twenty questions. Why do we have to talk like this?”

“It’s the best way to get to know a person. And in five minutes we can do way more than twenty questions. If we don’t dilly-dally. I’m starting. Ready?”

I concentrate. “Yeah.”

“No, answer with a question. Don’t tell me you’re stupid. Are you stupid?”

“No!” I shake my head. “Uh . . . are you ready?”

“There you go. We’re on. First question: Do you think I’m gross-looking?”

Gosh, she cuts right to the chase. I look her over. I’m a little ashamed of how I do it, because I look at her from the bottom up, like I would if she were on the Internet. I look at her feet ending in simple black sneakers and her small ankles and her pale lower legs and the indentation in the Capri pants where the pants start, under her knee, and up her body to her small waist and then the sharp bulge of her breasts and then her neck, coming through the uneven, distended neckline of her wife-beater, and her small chin and lips. The cuts on her face line her cheeks and forehead: little parallel slashes, three together in each place, with clumps of white skin on the ends where they’re healing. They don’t look like very deep cuts, and they’re thin—I have a feeling that when they heal up she’ll look just fine. And she’s beautiful. No question. Her eyes are green and knowing.

“No, you look awesome,” I say.

“What’s your question?”

“Uh, why did you pass me the note?”

“I thought you were interesting. Why did you do what it said?”

“I . . .” I can’t think up a fake answer quickly enough. “I’m a straight guy, you know. So if a girl talks to me or whatever, I’ll do exactly what she says.” Wait, now: make it a compliment. “Especially if it’s a pretty girl.” I smile.

“You’re not very good at this game. What’s your question?”

“Oh. Right. Ah . . . are you straight?”

She sighs. “Yes. Don’t get too excited. You don’t have a boner, do you?”

“No! ” I cross my legs. “No. So . . . how’d you get here?”

“Oh, that’s a big one. Crossing the line. What do you think?”

“Someone came in on you while you were cutting your face?”

“Ding ding ding! Afterward, actually. I was bleeding all over the sink. How’d you get here?”

“I checked myself in. When did you get here?”

“Why did you check yourself in? Twenty-one days ago. Whoops. Reverse those. Pretend I ended with the question.” She rubs her arms.

“I wasn’t doing well. I called, you know, the Suicide Hotline, and they told me to come here. Why have you been here so long?”

“They’re not sure I won’t hurt myself again. What medication are you on?”

“Zoloft. What about you?”

“Paxil. Where do you live?”

“Around here. Where do you live?”

“Manhattan. What do your parents do?”

“My mom designs greeting cards and my dad works in health insurance. What about yours?”

“My mom’s a lawyer and my dad’s dead. Do you want to know how he died?”

“I’m sorry. How? Do I want to know?”

“That’s two questions. Yes, you do. He died fishing. He fell off a boat. Isn’t that the stupidest thing you ever heard?”