Нед Виззини - It's Kind of a Funny Story

“Suicidal feelings.”

I nodded.

Dr. Barney stared at me, his lips puckered. What was he so serious about? Who hasn’t thought about killing themselves, as a kid? How can you grow up in this world and not think about it? It’s an option taken by a lot of successful people: Ernest Hemingway, Socrates, Jesus. Even before high school, I thought that it would be a cool thing to do if I ever got really famous. If I kept making my maps, for instance, and some art collector came across them and decided to make them worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, if I killed myself at the height of that, they’d be worth millions of dollars, and I wouldn’t be responsible for them anymore. I’d have left behind something that spoke for itself, like the Brooklyn Bridge.

“I thought . . . you haven’t really lived until you’ve contemplated suicide,” I said. “I thought like it would be good to have a reset switch, like on the video games, to start again and see if you could go a different way.”

Dr. Barney said, “It sounds as if you’ve been battling this depression for a long time.”

I stopped. No I hadn’t. . . Yes I had.

Dr. Barney said nothing.

Then he said, “You have a flat affect.”

“What’s that?”

“You’re not expressing a lot of emotion about these things.”

“Oh. Well. They’re too big.”

“I see. Let’s talk a little about your family.”

“Mom designs postcards; Dad works in health insurance,” I said.

“They’re together?”

“Yes.”

“Any brothers or sisters?”

“One sister. Younger. Sarah. She’s worried about me.”

“How so?”

“She’s always asking me whether I’m good or bad, and when I tell her I’m bad she says, ‘Craig, please get better, everyone is trying.’ Things like that. It breaks my heart.”

“But she cares.”

“Yeah.”

“Your family supports you coming here?”

“When I told them about it they didn’t waste any time. They say it’s a chemical imbalance, and if I get the right drugs for it, I’ll be fine.” I looked around the office at the names of the right drugs. If I got prescribed every drug that Dr. Barney repped, I’d be like an old man counting out pills every morning.

“You’re in high school, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And your sister?”

“Fourth grade.”

“You realize there are a lot of parental consent forms that need to be filled out for us to help you—”

“They’ll sign everything. They want me to get better.”

“Supportive family environment,” Dr. Booth scratched on his pad. He turned and gave his version of a smile, which was a slight affirmative, the lips barely curled, the lower lip out in front.

“We’re going to get through this, Craig. Now, from a personal standpoint, why do you think you have this depression?”

“I can’t compete at school,” I said. “All the other kids are too much smarter.”

“What’s the name of your high school?”

“Executive Pre-Professional High School.”

“Right. I’ve heard of it. Lots of homework.”

“Yeah. When I come home from school, I know I have all this work to do, but then my head starts the Cycling.”

“The Cycling.’”

“Going over the same thoughts over and over. When my thoughts race against each other in a circle.”

“Suicidal thoughts?”

“No, just thoughts of what I have to do. Homework. And it comes up to my brain and I look at it and think ‘I’m not going to be able to do that’ and then it cycles back down and the next one comes up. And then things come up like ‘You should be doing more extracurricular activities’ because I should, I don’t do near enough, and that gets pushed down and it’s replaced with the big one: ‘What college are you going to, Craig?’ which is like the doomsday question because I’m not going to get into a good one.”

“What would a good one be?”

“Harvard. Yale. Duh.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And then the thoughts keep turning and I lie down on my bed and think them. And I used to not be able to lie down anywhere; I used to always be up doing something, but once the Cycling starts I can waste hours, just lying and looking at the ceiling, and time goes slowly and really fast at the same time—and then it’s midnight and I have to go to sleep because no matter what I do, I have to be at school the next day. I can’t let them know what’s happening to me.”

“Do you have difficulty sleeping?”

“Sometimes not. When I do it’s bad, though. I lie there thinking about how everything I’ve done is a failure, death and failure, and there’s no hope for me except being homeless, because I’m never going to be able to hold a job because everyone else is so much smarter.”

“But they’re not all, are they, Craig? Some of them have to be not as smart as you.”

“Well, those are the ones who I don’t have to worry about! But plenty of people are, and they’re going to kick my ass everywhere. Like my friend Aaron—”

“Who’s that?”

“My best friend. He has a girlfriend too, who I’m friends with.”

“How do you feel about her?”

“Not so much . . . one way or the other.”

“Uh-huh.” Dr. Barney wrote on his pad.

“Anyway . . .” I tried to sum up. I was lying to this guy; that meant we really knew each other. “It’s all about living a sustainable life. I don’t think I’m going to be able to have one.”

“A sustainable life.”

“That’s right, with a real job and a real house and everything.”

“And a family?”

“Of course! You have to have that. What kind of success are you if you don’t have that?”

“Uh-huh.”

“So to have that I have to start shaping up now, but I can’t because of this crap that’s going on in my head. And I know that these things I’m thinking don’t make sense and I think ‘Stop!’”

“But you can’t stop.”

“I can’t stop.”

“Well.” He tapped his Prozac pen. “You know that your thoughts aren’t thoughts you want to have. That’s a good thing.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you ever hear voices?”

Uh-oh. Now we were getting into the real meat. Dr. Barney was cuddly enough, but I was sure that if you gave him a straitjacket he’d be able to handle it just fine, coaxing you into it and leading you to a very comfortable room with soft walls and a bench where you could sit looking at a one-way mirror and telling people you were Scrooge McDuck. (How did they make one-way mirrors, anyway?) I knew I had problems, but I also knew I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t schizo. I didn’t hear voices. Well, I heard that one voice, the army guy, but that was my voice, just me trying to motivate myself. I was not going to get thrown in the loony bin.

“No voices,” I said. Lied, technically. Lied again.

“Craig, do you know about brain chemistry?”

I nodded. I’d skipped ahead in the bio textbook.

“Do you know how depression works?”

“Yeah.” It was a simple explanation. “You have these chemicals in your brain that carry messages from each brain cell to the next brain cell. They’re called neurotransmitters. And one of them is serotonin.”

“Excellent.”

“Which scientists think is the neurotransmitter related to depression . . . If you have a lack of this chemical in your system, you can start to get depressed.”

Dr. Barney nodded.

“Now,” I kept on, “after the serotonin passes a message from one brain cell to the next, it gets sucked back into the first brain cell to be used again. But the problem is sometimes your brain cells do too much sucking”—I chuckled—“and they don’t leave enough serotonin in your system to carry the messages. So they have these drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors that keep your brain from taking too much serotonin back to get more of it in your system. So you feel better.”