Sarai Walker - Dietland

The FBI director appeared on television for what the media dubbed his daily “Jennifer” briefing. “We have issued an arrest warrant for air force captain Tompkins and a material witness warrant for army specialist Ayala,” he said. “We are actively seeking the identity of the person known as Jennifer—if such a person exists. If so, she is working as part of a large criminal network, one that appears to involve at least one female member of the U.S. Armed Forces, but possibly more.”

On The Nola and Nedra Show, Nola Larson King said: “Clearly we have some kinda lady terrorist group here with someone named Jennifer as their leader.”

“I’m not comfortable referring to members of our armed forces as terrorists, ” said Nedra Feldstein-Delaney.

“Then what would you call them?” countered Nola Larson King.

Three days later, the editors at the Los Angeles Times received something new: a letter containing a “Penis Blacklist,” signed by Jennifer. There was a postmark from Phoenix and nothing more.

The Penis Blacklist comprised the names of one hundred men, whose penises, the letter said, “must not be given shelter inside any woman.” The editors didn’t know if it was legitimate or a hoax, but they published the list of names anyway. Anything Jennifer related was big news.

One of the names on the list was Senator Craig Bellamy (R-Miss.), an antiabortion advocate who was under investigation for reports that he forced his secret girlfriend to have an abortion and then blackmailed her to cover it up. Upon being told by a reporter that her husband’s name was on the Penis Blacklist, Mrs. Bellamy panicked and agreed to appear on Good Morning America. “Craig and I don’t have sex,” she said, looking directly into the camera. “The last time was when I conceived our son, Craig Junior. He’s thirty now.”

Another name on the list was Todd Wright, the producer of a series of popular videos in which girls on spring break were urged to bare their breasts and take off their underpants and make out with other girls when they were drunk. When confronted by a camera crew for CNN, Todd Wright’s girlfriend said, “I’m not going to stop having sex with Todd just because some [bleeping] bitch named Jennifer says so. [Bleep] her.” The next morning she started her car and it blew up.

In response, Todd Wright, who did not seem devastated, said, “Jennifer can suck my dick.” His strangled body was found three days later under the Santa Monica Pier, his severed dick shoved in his mouth.

After the murders of Todd Wright and his girlfriend, the FBI director appeared on television again. He went through a PowerPoint presentation with ninety-nine slides, one for each of the living men on the Penis Blacklist. Each slide featured the man’s photo, his occupation, and where he lived. Among the names: professional athletes, CEOs, world leaders, Stanley Austen, and members of the U.S. Congress who’d voted against women’s reproductive rights.

“We take this threat very seriously,” the FBI director said. “While we do not condone giving in to terrorist threats, I strongly urge women not to have sex with any of the men on this list. Do not date them, do not even be seen with them, for your own protection.”

Senator Bellamy’s daughter chose to have her mother walk her down the aisle at her wedding, just to be safe.

As the search for Jennifer intensified, many women named Jennifer complained that they were under attack. The owner of Jennifer’s Bridal Boutique in Idaho Falls appeared on Cheryl Crane-Murphy’s show, saying: “Somebody threw a rock through my window yesterday with a note that said ‘You’re a man-hating lez.’” Likewise, a police officer named Jennifer Leoni from tiny Caldwell, Delaware, said someone had spray-painted LESBO on her garage door.

“I’m noticing a trend with the lesbian insults,” said Cheryl Crane-Murphy, shaking her head. “If I were a young thug, I would have gone with terrorist, but perhaps lesbian is more abhorrent.”

The FBI director appeared on television yet again. “It’s unlikely that there is a terrorist mastermind named Jennifer. I urge people to remain calm and rational and not let women named Jennifer fall under suspicion. Between 1970 and 1984, Jennifer was the single most popular name for baby girls in this country. There are well over a million women named Jennifer in the United States. It’s as close to a generic woman’s name as you can get. Jennifers are our daughters, sisters, wives, and mothers. Jennifers are everywhere among us.”

“If there are Jennifers everywhere among us,” asked Cheryl Crane-Murphy, “then how are we supposed to remain calm?”

Soon, what the news media described as the “Jennifer effect” began to spread.

At a prestigious Connecticut university, fraternity pledges marched outside the women’s dormitories chanting, “No means yes, yes means anal!” In previous years, this type of misbehavior would have been handled by a tweedy disciplinary committee in a conference room with tea and coffee, but this time the female students took matters into their own hands. They left their dorms en masse and destroyed the fraternity house, breaking all the windows and setting it on fire. By morning there was nothing left but charred remains.

On Cheryl Crane-Murphy’s show, one of the women involved in the attack said: “When I heard the frat guys chanting, I thought, What would Jennifer do? That’s when I grabbed my lacrosse stick and just went for it.” Cheryl explained that the female students added the names of the fraternity members to their own Penis Blacklist, a practice that was quickly adopted by women’s groups at other campuses.

The Jennifer effect showed no sign of slowing down. Women engaged in violence and civil disobedience. Men took precautionary measures. The bad- boy lead singer of America’s most popular rock band famously sported a topless mermaid tattoo on his bicep, her cartoonish breasts like round cupcakes with bright red cherries on top. Before his cover shoot with Rolling Stone, the makeup artist painted over the breasts, dressing the mermaid in a demure long-sleeved top that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a J. Crew catalog. The rock star didn’t protest or throw a tantrum. He had no interest in being dropped out of a plane.

On The Nola and Nedra Show, Nola Larson King said: “I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier, Nedra, and I agree with you. I don’t think this is terrorism or lady terrorism. Do you know what I think it is?”

“I’m dying to know,” said Nedra Feldstein-Delaney.

“I think it’s a response to terrorism. From the time we’re little girls, we’re taught to fear the bad man who might get us. We’re terrified of being raped, abused, even killed by the bad man, but the problem is, you can’t tell the good ones from the bad ones, so you have to be wary of them all. We’re told not to go out by ourselves late at night, not to dress a certain way, not to talk to male strangers, not to lead men on. We take self-defense classes, keep our doors locked, carry pepper spray and rape whistles. The fear of men is ingrained in us from girlhood. Isn’t that a form of terrorism?”

“For God’s sake, Nola. You’re going to get us both fired,” said Nedra Feldstein-Delaney.

THE SEARCH FOR JENNIFER and her cohorts continued. By September, sales of Fuckability Theory had increased dramatically and Marlowe was in demand by news organizations as an analyst on Jennifer-related topics. Verena had been asked for analysis too, particularly by Japanese news outlets, as Eulayla’s documentary, Born Again, had been a cult hit there, but Verena refused. She said that Jennifer was a distraction from real work.