Герман Садулаев - The Maya Pill

And they display the most blatant historical ingratitude. Instead of meekly yielding before the superior northern race, who had first made human beings out of these bears and peasants, instead of kneeling before the Karelians, who preserved the purity of the true Rus bloodline, these bastard crossbreeds are now trying to take over our territory!

Their insolence surpasses all reason: First they incite bloody violence against other immigrants, whose diasporas just happen to be more sparsely dispersed, and then they divide our land, our markets, and our natural resources into “spheres of influence”! It’s as though the aliens have completely forgotten where they are—who is the host here, and who the guest.

Herewith I declare the establishment of the People’s Front for the Liberation of Karelia, whose goal it is to cleanse our native land of undesirable immigrants, to establish justice and order, and to improve the welfare of the working people of Karelia, who for centuries have been robbed and oppressed by these foreigners.

The People’s Front for the Liberation of Karelia hereby establishes lateral ties with the Fronts of the fraternal peoples of the republics of Sakha-Yakutia, of Tuva, and of Chuvashia, among others, and stands ready to coordinate its efforts to liberate these neighboring lands. There is no place here for the Russian plunderers!

We will not emulate the ignorant Asiatics and Russians and imitate their savage customs, will not instigate bloody brawls and pogroms or commit acts of arson. We Karelians are a civilized European nation, belonging to the sophisticated northern race. And we will solve our problems in a civilized manner.

All Russians are hereby invited to gather all their belongings and quit the territory of Karelia within forty-eight hours to return to their historical homeland. We know that entire villages in central Russia are dying out; fields stand fallow and vacant. Why shouldn’t the Russians go back where they came from, and plant potatoes and parsley? We will no longer permit them to cut down our forests and poison our lakes!

All material property and businesses on the territory of the Republic of Karelia are hereby declared the property of the Karelian people and will be distributed to native representatives of the republic according to the principles of social equality.

We guarantee that during the course of these forty-eight hours the people undergoing resettlement will not be subjected to any violence or intimidation; all Russians will be ensured a safe and unencumbered departure. Any deportees lacking sufficient funds may apply to district offices of the Front, where they will be provided with reserved-seat tickets to Ryazan, free of charge.

Thus will the Russians be assured of the nobility and generosity of the Karelian people, whose virtues they were unable to appreciate when they were guests in our land.

If any Russians do not quit the territory of Karelia, the Front assumes no responsibility for any acts of vengeance or attempts to restore justice that may inevitably and spontaneously spread through the republic upon the expiration of the grace period.

The Karelians are a generous and peace-loving people, but when an occupying nation shows contempt for their will, they are capable of a great and terrible wrath. The Russian thieves and drunkards will face real men, marksmen who can aim and hit a squirrel in the eye and can fell an ancient spruce with three mighty blows. The Karelian huntsmen will emerge from the forests bearing hunting rifles and axes, and when they do, the squatters who remain will envy the dead!

Consider this a warning. Your time is at hand.

Maximus guffawed, startling his coworkers, when he read the above during the second half of his lunch break. But judging from the serious discussion that ensued subsequently in the comments section, the author’s readers had completely missed the article’s sardonic humor.

The indefatigable Hakan also took it upon himself to comment on a bill that had been passed allowing oil and gas monopolies to maintain their own armed security services for the defense of their facilities. Immediately after this news made its way through the media, Hakan posted another tongue-in-cheek composition on his blog, which Maximus read during his next lunch hour:

Someone is stealing my ideas. No, I do not publicize them online; that would make it too easy for the criminals. I do not share them with my friends; you can’t trust anyone! But I do jot things down in a notebook that I carry around with me, so as not to miss anything. Anyway, I must have been careless and left my notebook unguarded at some point for an hour or two, say, during my lunch hour. And someone copied my notes and stole my ideas! An act of espionage. There’s no other way to put it.

The subject in today’s entry is the army. Recently I was at one of those free public events for plebeians, some Day of Something or Other, and when I saw the logo of an oil rig depicted in silhouette on all the posters and banners advertising this government-supported Bacchanalia, I was inspired. Right then and there I composed a series of appeals, slogans, and mottos, and even started outlining some ideas for uniforms. So here you go: Today I look at the news and I see that “The Gazprom and Transneft Corporations are forming their own military units.” The most insane predictions of our pessimistic and depressive novelists and screenwriters, produced under the influence of a continual narcotic haze, pale in comparison with reality.

But might it have been a joke? Some journalistic canard? An exaggeration? Maybe these organizations are simply attempting to beef up their on-site security by hiring more military veterans, or by stocking up on pepper spray.

But no, alas. It’s for real! Official government legislation, no less, and I quote: “A legislative initiative to grant the companies Gazprom and Transneft the authority to form their own internal structures to ensure the security of their operations associated with the extraction, refinement, and transportation of energy resources was adopted in the third reading.”

Initiative! The third reading! How did this happen? Who sponsored this bill? “Representatives of all parties introduced the proposal to amend the weapons law with the support of the current administration.”

All parties! All at once!! Unanimously! And naturally, “with the support of…” How can you not support something like that? Here it is at last, the long-awaited orgasm, the moment of the great coupling between big business, our political parties, and the current administration. Not the most traditional sexual configuration, but this only intensifies the climax.

Maybe it’s because I’m only an amateur connoisseur of state porn, but allow me to ask a stupid question: Why? Who are this new army’s presumed enemies? The explanation is as follows: “In accordance with the new law, the Gazprom and Transneft corporations, along with their subsidiaries, are granted the right to acquire special equipment and military armaments for the defense of oil pipelines and other facilities whose purpose is to obtain, refine, and transport materials through government contract.”

Seems to make sense. This army’s purpose is to protect the pipeline.

But… what is there left for our, allow me to say, constitutionally based institutions of law and order to do? We already have so many, I can’t even begin to list them all, I might forget one or get mixed up, and some smart-aleck troll will post a sarcastic comment: “Go back and learn the basics before you start bitching!”

For is it not those very institutions that, according to Russian law, are tasked to defend all property, including pipelines, from being damaged, vandalized, or stolen? Or is the term “all property” just a distraction in this context? And who’s going to pay for this militia, anyway (or, sorry, correct me if I slept through it and they’ve already been labeled “police” instead)? Wouldn’t it just make more sense to create a special militarized unit of “real,” governmental police for the defense of the pipeline? But… defense against whom, exactly?…