Heather Lewis - Notice

When the day came, I sat at the foot of a long wooden table and went through the motions. Ten or twelve men I’d never seen in my life asked me ten or twelve different questions. And afterwards, since I’d had no expectations myself, I worried about Beth. About how hard she might’ve hoped. And, too, I worried what might happen now that they’d noticed me.

Beth had stayed behind with them, so Gail took me back. She sat with me on my bed – at least I had an actual one of those now.

When Beth came in, she was all red-faced and shaky. She kept saying she didn’t understand. That she couldn’t see why they’d said no. How the reasons they gave didn’t make sense.

I looked to Gail but she’d already gotten most of the way out the door, so I looked back at Beth. She paced the small room. Kept walking back and forth from the now-closed door to the window. It was open with a cold breeze coming through the metal grate.

I let her stammer and walk. Worked hard at ignoring this pull to get up, to put my arms around her. Ignored wanting to stop her. Soon enough she stopped herself. She hadn’t actually looked at me so far and now when she did I looked away, then realized in an instant how that would look to her.

She came and sat down beside me, and I felt her hand on the back of my neck, her fingers in my hair. I felt her trying to soothe me and then she said, “I’m so sorry,” and still I didn’t tell her. Didn’t say a word about Ingrid or Ingrid’s husband.

The next day she and I went back to the woods. We sat in the leaves, propped against that log there and I listened while she said, “I don’t understand it,” and “It doesn’t makes sense.” I listened while she said these things over and over, and only once did she look at me in a way that required an answer.

What could I say to her? I kept my head down and of course she took that as disappointment. She pulled me closer to her and I held on to her and she apologized over and over until I was nearly crying. Not for me, but for her. I couldn’t risk it, though. I couldn’t risk telling her because that seemed to equal losing her, though this way I seemed to be losing her anyway.

Two more weeks like this and then everything changed. She and I came back from one of our walkabouts. Came back to find Gail standing at the door and waving. And as we got closer, she said, “Come on. Come on, hurry,” which confused me because it seemed to me we were on the early side.

Beth said, “What is it?”

“I’ve got to take her over. She’s got a visitor.”

I started backing up. Beth felt this, I think, because she tightened her hand on my arm and this steadied me a little.

I don’t know what my face looked like but Beth took one look and said to Gail, “Let me take her. You’re about to go home. You don’t want to get held up here.”

Then Gail was looking at me too. Seemed not sure what to do or to say. I tried to smile at her but I felt sick and so I wasn’t sure how it came off. I was caught. I figured it’d be Ingrid’s husband, and so I wanted Gail bringing me. But in the time it took to think this much Beth and I were already walking over to the main building.

We stopped at the desk and the woman there pointed us to a room at the end of the hall. The door was ajar, but you couldn’t see in. By now I’d gone on automatic. I’d flicked some switch somewhere inside me that would let me get through this, would get me through anything, and so I thought I was prepared and I guess I was, except not for Ingrid.

As we pushed open the door I saw her standing by the window, one that didn’t have a grate on it. She turned toward me and I felt like I ran to her but instead I was standing stock still with Beth nudging me. Beth closed the door behind us and stood leaning back against it. She’d let go after pushing me. Ingrid had made some progress partway to me but then she’d stopped. It was up to me to close the distance remaining.

I found my feet and began walking. And when I got close enough I held out my hand and she pulled me against her. Then she was kissing me and I was kissing her back, all the time feeling Beth behind me, watching.

Still, I couldn’t stop this. My coat was open and Ingrid had her hands underneath it and then under my shirt. I had my hands on her, too, but just holding on, trying to keep my balance while really I was falling into her.

She had her hand on my stomach. Had my pants already partway open. This made me glad for the bulk of my coat, which was no longer Gail’s but one Beth had brought me. By now I had both my hands cradling Ingrid’s neck. I couldn’t get my tongue far enough into her mouth. I couldn’t help myself and then she’d gotten her hand into my underwear and my knees went loose and I opened my legs and sank against her. Felt her hand inside me and then I heard the door slam.

I don’t know if that alone straightened me up. Or if it was knowing that with Beth gone, someone else would be in here and fast. I staggered away, buttoning my coat because my pants seemed too intricate to manage and then someone else was already there. I recognized the guard, and him me. He smirked, looked us both up and down and then plopped into a chair.

This didn’t leave much for me and Ingrid to do except talk. But soon enough it became clear that this had been the point all along. That what had come before was merely the warm-up to some kind of favor.

“He found me,” she said.

And, now, since we weren’t touching, I had my bearings. “No kidding,” I said. “Me, too.”

I saw her expression change but then change back again. “I’m going back to him,” she said. “I already have. He doesn’t know I came here. He doesn’t know I know where you are. I had to tell him things. I had to say you put me up to leaving. You did in a way. You know this.”

She looked at me when she said it. I looked at my guard. He was licking the corner of his mouth. Then he ran his finger there, along his moustache and down his chin, through the rest of his beard. I found myself rubbing my cheek and then quickly looking away from him and back to her and then down at the floor.

“Look, I think he’ll let up on you. I think so. Now I’m back I think maybe he’ll forget about you.”

Now I was the one wanting to storm out slamming the door. Instead I sat down on a couch. One that faced the chair this guard was sitting in. And it was good that I did because my head had fogged and my feet hurt and I felt suddenly very tired.

I wasn’t sure what she was asking of me. I wasn’t at all sure why she’d come and, without quite realizing it, I asked her. I said, “Ingrid, why are you here?”

“I didn’t want you to think I deserted you.”

I began laughing. I couldn’t help it.

She became flustered. She said, “Really I haven’t known very long. I only got back three months ago.”

Her saying this snapped me back. I’d no idea how long I’d been here but I suppose I’d been telling myself it’d only been a few weeks. Hearing otherwise fucked with me deeply. My face began to tremble. I could feel it and I guess she could see it because she said, “I’ve got to leave. I’ve stayed too long already.”

She came over to me on her way to the door. My hand was resting on my knee and she put hers over it. I felt it brush across and then she hurried to the door.

My guard let me sit there until we’d both heard the end of her footsteps. Then he gave a long low whistle and got up. He pulled me by the arm and took me back. And later that night he was the one visiting me.

I figured that’d be the last I’d see of Beth. I figured I might even land back in the lockbox. Instead she came the next day as if nothing had happened. Or, almost. We walked out to our same place in the woods but without talking or touching and this let me know she wasn’t going to pretend it away.