Cecelia Ahern - Flawed

“Never met her family,” he says. “Don’t care.”

“Right here,” Gavin says, and we all stop.

I hear them unlock a door.

“Step up,” Colleen says quietly, and I step up, onto timber. Splinters immediately pierce my skin. I smell soil, moss. We’re in a shed. Soil and dirt beneath my feet. We all pile in, and the door closes and locks. Logan pushes me suddenly, and I almost fall face-first but manage to keep my balance. I bump against a wall, and a spade or a rake digs into my arm.

“What was the Flawed’s problem in swim class?” Logan asks.

“Afraid to show her body,” Natasha says.

I shrink away from them. “No. Please, no,” I say, terror in my voice.

FORTY-FIVE

SOMEBODY PUSHES ME away from the wall and unzips the back of my dress. I struggle but am held in place by Natasha. I feel her small hands around my arms. Her nails dig into me.

My dress falls to my feet, and I’m left standing in my bra and underwear in the shed. The only other item on my body is the anklet that Art gave me. Despite our uncertain future, I don’t want to take it off. It reminds me of a time when things were perfect, that I’m not as Flawed as everyone says. I start crying again. There is nowhere to hide.

“Okay, you’ve done it,” Colleen says quickly. “Let’s go.”

Someone whistles.

“Shut up, Gav, she’s Flawed. She’s scum.”

“Looks like a girl in her underwear to me.”

“Look at those scars,” Natasha says, close to my face. She’s examining the one on my chest. I swallow hard. I want to cross my legs, bring my arms around the front of my body to protect myself.

Gavin and Natasha talk about me like I’m not there. Logan doesn’t say a word, which scares me all the more. They examine my scars. Lift my hand and my foot. They keep the hood over my head. It wouldn’t help to see that the body has a head, has a heart.

“Not looking, Colleen?” Logan says. “Oh no, I forgot. You’ve seen them before.”

“This is sick. I’m getting out of here,” Colleen says. The door unlocks, and I smell fresh air and I hear her footsteps leave the shed.

I’m left alone with them. My body is trembling. I’m afraid and I’m cold.

There are a number of things I realized later that I could have and should have done. Lashed out, screamed, ran, but I am frozen to the spot. They picked the one thing that humiliated me most: my body. I never wanted anyone to see it, no one, and yet here I am standing near naked while three people who I thought wanted to be my friends are shining a flashlight on all the parts of me I can’t even bear to look at myself. Through the sackcloth, I see the camera flashes as they take photographs of my scars and who knows what else. They talk among themselves, at how gross and disgusting my skin is. I know that by the time they leave here, these photographs will have worked their way around to every student in the school. Who knows, they could possibly be Pia’s front page tomorrow.

I feel someone walk around me, light on the toes. Must be Natasha.

There’s a gasp. “Oh. My. God,” Natasha says suddenly behind me. “Look at her spine. Get over here.”

They jostle around the back of me to take a look.

“Man,” Gavin says. “Crap. That one must have hurt. It’s not as neat as the others. But wait, how many is that?”

They go through them all, counting my sears, counting my flaws.

“Six?” Logan says, surprised. “The reports only said five.”

“Five was the most ever,” Gavin said.

“ Three was the most ever,” Natasha corrects him. “She’s got six,” she whispers. “I don’t think we’re supposed to know she’s got six.” Suddenly she sounds nervous.

Their energy has changed. I sense that they’re not enjoying it as much as they thought they would. I’ve made them uncomfortable. The reality is not what they imagined it would be. My scars are scars caused by pain. Pain in theory and pain in the flesh are two different things. I think it has had a sobering effect on them. This, oddly, gives me strength. I have gone through what they seem to fear. They have brought me here because they are attracted to their fears. They want to analyze it. Understand it. Rise above it. Laugh at it. But I have lived it. It is my tragedy that they fear. And that gives me strength.

“What time is it?” I ask. There is still hope.

“You’ll be home in time. Get over it,” Natasha says, trying to sound tough, but I can hear her fear. “Right, my buzz is gone. I’m bored. Food, anyone?”

“Yeah,” Gavin says, a little too quickly, and I almost smile beneath my sackcloth.

“You coming, Logan?” Natasha asks.

“I’ll be right behind you.”

I can sense the others’ uncertainty and reluctance to leave.

“Go on if you’re going,” Logan says, eager to have me to himself.

“Just don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

Gavin pauses. “You won’t, you know…”

“Gavin, don’t offend me. She’s Flawed scum. I wouldn’t touch her with a barge pole.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Gavin says, and he and Natasha laugh. “Okay, just don’t leave this place in a mess. My granddad will kill me.”

There’s a long silence, and I hear Gavin’s and Natasha’s footsteps disappear. I’m all alone with Logan. Not a safe place to be.

“Please don’t touch me.” I tremble.

“I wouldn’t lay a finger on you,” he says close to my ear. “You’re disgusting to me. Disgusting to any man. No one will ever want you.”

He starts to circle me slowly. I’m relieved by what he’s said but at the same time wonder what he wants to do with me.

“Do you know what the significance of sackcloth and ashes is?” he asks.

“No.” I sniff.

“The others haven’t a clue. Tonight has been a stupid joyride to them; they’ve no idea the significance of what I’ve done.” He takes on an unusual voice. Like he’s lecturing or preaching. “Sackcloth and ashes were used in the Old Testament times as a symbol of debasement, mourning, and repentance. Someone wanting to show their repentant heart would wear sackcloth, sit in ashes, and put ashes on their head. Ashes signify desolation and ruin.”

I lower my head, the humiliation complete, but he continues talking and circling.

“When Jonah declared to the people of Nineveh that God was going to destroy them for their wickedness, everyone from the king on down responded with repentance, fasting, and ashes. They even put sackcloths on their animals. God saw genuine change, a humble change of heart, and it caused him to relent and not bring about his plan to destroy them. Sackcloth and ashes were used as a symbol of a change in heart, demonstrating that sincerity of repentance.”

He stops talking, stops circling, and there’s silence apart from my heavy breathing under the hot and stuffy sackcloth and my terrified heart banging.

“God is far greater than me, Flawed, but if you repent, I might relent. If you do not admit repentance, then I will lock you up here all night and no one will be able to find you. You will miss your curfew and your whole family can be seared for all I care.”

I bite my lip as the tears stream. I think of little Ewan, how scared he would be, how I have brought such danger to my family.

“And I mean it, Flawed.”

I know he does. He means every word. I feel like I’m back in the Branding Chamber again, with Judge Crevan shouting “Repent!” in my face. I refused to do it then, thinking that I was finished, that things couldn’t get worse. I couldn’t admit I was wrong, not then, but the rules changed and things got worse. They got a whole lot worse. I don’t have the energy anymore.

“Yes,” I cry out suddenly.