Cecelia Ahern - If You Could See Me Now

It was difficult to spend time with Luke now that Elizabeth could see me and frankly she would have been worried if I knocked on her fuchsia door to ask her if Luke was coming out to play. She has a thing about friends being a certain age. The important thing, though, was that Luke didn’t seem to mind. He was always so busy playing with Sam. Whenever Luke decided to include me, it would make Sam frustrated because he couldn’t see me of course. I think I was getting in the way, and Luke and I both knew that it wasn’t really him that I was there for. Kids always know what’s going on, even before you know yourself sometimes.

I didn’t like that Elizabeth thought that I was Sam’s dad. I never lie to my friends, ever, so I tried so many times to tell her that I wasn’t Sam’s dad. One of the times, the conversation went like this.

One evening in the house after Elizabeth had been at work, she asked me, “So where are you from, Ivan?”

She had just finished a meeting with Vincent Taylor about the hotel and apparently, according to her, she just walked right up to him and told him she had been speaking with Ivan and we both felt the hotel needed a children’s area to give the parents an even more relaxing romantic time together. Well, Vincent laughed so much that he just gave in and agreed. She’s still confused as to why he thought it was so funny. I told her it was because Vincent hadn’t a clue who I was and she just rolled her eyes at me and accused me of being secretive. Anyway, because of that, she was in a good mood so she was ready to talk, for a change. I was wondering when she’d start asking me questions (other than the ones about my job, how many staff we had, what was the turnover every year—she bored me to tears with all that kind of stuff).

But she’d finally asked me where I was from, so happily I answered, “Ekam Eveileb.”

She frowned. “That name is familiar, I’ve heard of it somewhere before. Where is it?”

“A million miles from here.”

“Baile na gCroíthe is a million miles from everywhere. Ekam Eveileb.” She allowed the words to roll off her tongue. “What does that mean? That’s not Irish or English, is it?” She looked confused.

“It’s draw kcab-ish.”

“Draw Cab?” she repeated, raising an eyebrow. “Honestly, Ivan, sometimes you’re as bad as Luke. I think he gets most of his sayings from you.”

I chuckled.

“In fact”—Elizabeth leaned forward—“I didn’t want to say this to you before, but I think he really looks up to you.”

“Really?” I was flattered.

“Well yes, because ...well—” she searched for the correct words.

“Please don’t think my nephew is insane or anything but last week he invented this friend.” She laughed nervously. “We had him over to the house for dinner for a few days, they chased each other around outside, played everything from football to the computer to cards, can you believe it? But the funny thing is that his name was Ivan .”

My blank reaction started her backtracking and she blushed wildly. “Well, actually it’s not funny at all, it’s completely preposterous ofcourse, but I thought that maybe it meant that he looked up to you and saw you as some sort of male role model. . . .” She trailed off. “Anyway, Ivan’s gone now. He left us. All alone. It was devastating, as you can imagine. I was told that they could stay around for as long as three months .” She made a face. “Thank god he left, I had the date marked off on the calendar and everything,” she said, her face still red. “Actually, funnily enough, he left when you arrived. I think you scared Ivan off . . . Ivan.” She laughed, but my blank face caused her to stop and sigh. “Ivan, why am I the only one talking?”

“Because I’m listening.”

“Well, I’m finished now so you can say something,” she snapped.

I laughed. She always got mad when she felt stupid. “Well, I have a theory.”

“Good, share it with me for once. Unless it’s to put me and my nephew in a gray concrete building run by nuns with bars on the windows.”

I looked at her in horror.

“Go on.” She laughed.

“Well, who’s to say that Ivan disappeared?”

Elizabeth looked horrified. “No one says he disappeared, because he never appeared in the first place.”

“He did to Luke.”

“Luke made him up.”

“Maybe he didn’t.”

“Well, I didn’t see him.”

“You see me.”

“What have you got to do with Luke’s invisible friend?”

“Maybe I am Luke’s friend, only I don’t like being called invisible. It’s not very PC.”

“Well, I can see you.”

“Exactly, so I don’t know why people insist on saying invisible. If someone can see me, then surely that’s visible. Think about it, have Ivan, Luke’s friend, and I ever been in the same room at the same time?”

“Well, he could be here right now for all we know, eating olives or something.” She laughed. Then she realized that I was no longer smiling. “What are you talking about, Ivan?”

“It’s very simple, Elizabeth. You said that I disappeared when I arrived.”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you think that means that I’m Ivan and you just suddenly started seeing me?”

Elizabeth looked angry. “No, because you are a real person with a real life and you have a wife and a child and you—”

“I’m not married to Fiona, Elizabeth.”

“Ex-wife then, it’s not the point.”

“I was never married to her.”

“Well far be it from me to judge.”

“No, I mean Sam isn’t my son.” My voice sounded more forceful than I intended. Children understand things so much better. Adults always make things so complicated.

Elizabeth’s face softened and she reached out to put her hand on mine. Her hands were delicate, with baby-soft skin and long slender fingers.

“Ivan,” she spoke gently, “we have something in common, Luke isn’t my son either.” She smiled. “But I think it’s great that you still want to see Sam.”

“No, no, you don’t understand, Elizabeth, I’m nothing to Fiona, and I’m nothing to Sam. They don’t see me like you do, they don’t even know me, that’s what I’m trying to tell you, I’m invisible to them. I’m invisible to everybody else but you and Luke.”

Elizabeth’s eyes filled with tears and her grip tightened. “I understand.” Her voice shook. She placed her other hand on mine and clung on to it tightly. She struggled with her thoughts; I could tell she wanted to say something but couldn’t. Her brown eyes searched mine and after a moment’s silence, looking as though she had found what she was looking for, her face finally softened. “Ivan, you have no idea how similar you and I are and it’s such a relief to hear you talking like this because I sometimes feel invisible to everybody too, you know?”

Her voice sounded lonely. “I feel like nobody knows me, that nobody sees me how I really am . . . except you.”

She looked so upset that I put my arms around her. Still, I couldn’t help feeling so disappointed that she’d completely misunderstood me, which was odd, because my friendships aren’t supposed to be about me, or what I want. And it had never been about me before.

But as I lay down alone that night and processed all the information of the day, I realized that for the first time in my life, Elizabeth was the only friend I had ever met who had completely understood me after all.

And for anyone who’s ever had that connection with someone, even if it only lasted for five minutes, it’s important. For once I didn’t feel that I was living in a different world from everyone else, but that in fact there was a person, a person I liked and respected, who had a piece of my heart, who felt the same way.