Cecelia Ahern - The Time of My Life

‘He’s a family friend,’ Life said casually, taking another bite of a cupcake.

‘In fact, look what I got for him today.’ She rooted in her shopping bags and came out with a pink tutu. ‘He strikes me as the feminine type, for some reason, always sitting in your shoes.’

‘A very small family friend,’ Life added.

‘So you do have a cat,’ Charlie said, tucking into more pie.

‘Oh,’ Mum said, suddenly realising what she’d done.

I gave up.

‘Get rid of him, Lucy,’ Charlie said. ‘Pets aren’t allowed in this building, you know that. I’ve had complaints.’

‘I can’t get rid of him,’ I whined. ‘He’s my friend.’

‘I don’t care what you think he is, he’s a cat. Get rid of him or else move out. Nice to meet you, Mrs Silchester, and …’ he looked at Life. Then at me. ‘You.’ He gave me one last warning look. ‘I’ll be back around to check on you,’ he said and then left.

‘Well, happy birthday to me,’ I said glumly.

Mum glanced at me apologetically. I opened the bathroom door and finally released Mr Pan. He stared from one face to another, knowing something bad had happened.

‘No job, no boyfriend, no friends and no place to live. You’ve really done wonders for me,’ I said to Life.

‘Just thought I’d do a little decluttering for you,’ he replied, then resumed watching Jeremy Kyle. ‘He talks to them like they’re imbeciles. I should take notes.’

‘You don’t have to lose your lovely home,’ Mum said. ‘I’ll take Mr Pan, I’d love to have him at the house. Imagine all the space he’d have.’

‘But I’d miss him.’ I picked him up and cuddled him. He jumped out of my arms, disgusted by the loving gesture.

‘All the more reason to visit,’ Mum said happily.

‘You’re not selling it to her, Sheila,’ Life piped up. ‘And how could you possibly leave all this behind?’

‘I love my apartment,’ I huffed. ‘Two years and seven months I managed to keep you a secret, Mr Pan.’

Mum looked like she felt even more guilty.

‘Today is obviously the day to end all secrets,’ Life said, serious for once.

Mum clapped her hands excitedly. ‘Let’s get ready!’

Mum dressed in the bathroom to protect her modesty while I stripped off in front of my life.

‘What are you wearing?’ he asked.

I surveyed the curtain pole.

‘That one?’

He scrunched up his nose.

‘The pink one?’

He shook his head.

‘The black one?’

He shrugged. ‘Try it on.’

I stood up on the windowsill in my underwear and reached for the dress.

‘So how do you feel about reaching thirty?’

‘The same as I felt yesterday when I was twenty-nine.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘No, it’s not true,’ I agreed. ‘I had an epiphany last night, which was nurtured this morning at the supermarket. I really should go there more often, you know. As soon as I was looking at the raisins I knew exactly what it was that I had to do. But it had nothing to do with turning thirty.’

‘No, it had everything to do with the magical supermarket.’

‘Maybe it’s the way it’s all laid out. So structured. So decisive, so matter of fact, so fruit over here and veg over there, and hey, you ice cream, you’re cold, you go over there in the fridge with the other cold—’

‘Lucy,’ he interrupted.

‘Yes.’

‘That dress makes you look fat.’

‘Oh.’ I lifted it back over my head.

Life was lying on the bed in a smart summer suit, propped up by my pillows and his arms behind his head.

I tried another dress.

‘Your mum seems excited about tonight.’

‘I know,’ I frowned. ‘I think she thinks I’m going to admit to winning an Olympic medal or something. I don’t think she quite gets what I’m revealing.’

‘What did you tell her?’

‘The same as everyone else.’

‘That you’d like to invite everybody for “a celebration of the truth”,’ he said, grandly reading my text from his phone, ‘“and P.S. if you’re getting me a present please just give me cash, love, Lucy”.’ He raised his eyebrow. ‘Charming.’

‘Well, there’s no point beating around the bush, is there? I need money.’

‘This really is a whole new you. I can see your nipples,’ he commented.

‘Believe it or not, some men actually want to see my nipples,’ I huffed, but took it off anyway.

‘Not this man.’

‘You must be gay,’ I said, and we laughed.

‘Speaking of gay, how do you think Blake is going to feel about this little gathering?’

‘I think by the time Blake hears about it he’ll be very pissed off,’ I said, getting frustrated as I became tangled in my dress. Finally, with my head trapped inside I pulled the zip down the back and it fell over my head and body. My hair was a static mess, I had to dislocate my arm sockets to zip my dress to the top.

‘Let me help,’ Life said, finally moving from the bed. He zipped me up. He smoothed down my hair, fixed the front of the dress, gave me the once-over. I waited for him to tell me to invest in some of Philip’s plastic surgery or something. ‘Beautiful,’ he said and that made me smile. ‘Come on.’ He smacked my arse. ‘The truth shall set you free.’

For the first time in two years eleven months and twenty-three days I was first to the dinner table in the Wine Bistro. Life sat one side of me and there was an empty seat to the other side because I hoped. I just hoped. Mum sat beside the empty seat. Riley was next to arrive and brought a bouquet of flowers, a doormat, a three-bean salad and an envelope. I laughed at the gesture, then went straight for the envelope and didn’t even read the card before shaking it and counting two hundred euro in four fifty-euro bills. I whooped. Life rolled his eyes.

‘You are so obvious.’

‘So what? I’m broke, I have no pride.’

Riley greeted Life by bowing at his feet and kissing his hand. ‘Mum, I didn’t know you were coming,’ he said, greeting her next and going for the empty chair beside me.

‘I’m expecting someone,’ I said, putting the three-bean salad on the chair.

‘I’m staying with Lucy,’ Mum said happily, pulling out a chair for him on the other side of her.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Riley laughed, thinking it was a joke.

‘Your father’s a bastard,’ Mum said, sucking on the straw of her vodka, soda and lime.

Riley looked at her in shock, then at me accusingly. ‘Have you brainwashed her?’

I shook my head.

‘So I take it he’s not coming?’

Mum snorted.

‘And Philip?’

‘He’s doing emergency reconstructive surgery on a little boy who was in an accident,’ I said, bored.

‘Oh, please.’ Mum waved her hand in the air. ‘Let’s not all pretend we don’t know Philip is doing boob jobs.’

We both looked at Mum in surprise. Life laughed, enjoying it all.

‘Who are you and what have you done with my mother?’ Riley asked.

‘Your mother is on a much needed break. Sheila, however, is back on duty,’ she said forcefully, then she giggled and leaned into me. ‘Did you like that?’

‘Brilliant, Mum.’

Jamie and Melanie arrived and I stood to greet them. Melanie hung back a little so I hugged Jamie first.

‘Happy birthday.’ He squeezed me tight, crushing my ribs. ‘Melanie has my present for you, we integrated, the present company wasn’t doing well so we merged.’

‘You forgot, didn’t you?’

‘Completely.’

‘Sorry I didn’t return your call last week.’

‘Hey, it’s fine, it was no big deal, I just wanted to see if you were okay. Hey, Melanie just told me that guy is your life?’ Jamie’s eyes were wide. ‘That’s crazy. I read about that in a magazine once. Wait till Adam hears about it. That’s what we’re here for, isn’t it?’ he asked, but he didn’t wait for the answer before moving off. ‘Where do I sit? Beside you, Mrs Silchester?’