Mari Saat - The Saviour of Lasnamäe

Suddenly Sofia wanted so strongly, with all her soul, for Mum to have someone. For Mum not to live with and for her alone – to use Mum’s own words – to help her when she had a lovely little girl of her own. Sure enough it pleased her when Mum talked like that and she was always wanting to sit on Mum’s lap and hug her and for Mum to caress her… or just sit next to her on the sofa and watch a horror film on the telly because there always seemed to be one on even though there actually wasn’t… If Mum had someone, would that be an end to all that? Would she have to really grow up? But she so wanted Mum to be happy, to have someone who loved her…

She began to wonder who it could be. There was no point in hoping that her father had appeared out of the blue from somewhere – or someone else who was tall, chiselled, gorgeous and loving like him. What would the main thing be? The main thing would be that this someone loved Mum, loved her above all else, but just who could he be – an Estonian or a Russian or a Jew… or even a Finn! What he looked like was not important… Mum would have to like him a bit, of course… Maybe that wouldn’t be so easy. If Sofia’s dad had really been as good-looking as Mum always said… Somehow she’d have to explain to Mum that looks weren’t important. Even if he was skinny or fat… or perhaps balding – Phil Collins was bald and look how many fans he had… Anyhow, wasn’t time running out for him? But not because he was bald. The main thing was that he wouldn’t hurt Mum, that he’d look after her… It’d be good too, of course, if he had money and didn’t throw it away on drink. If he and Mum could travel, go to Capri for example… Sofia would be happy to stay at home, look after the house, and earn money for herself – she’d read to Rael’s grandma and in summer might sell newspapers… Apparently there was a grotto on the island of Capri, a grotto in a cliff that you could sail into, and the water inside was supposed to be as clear and as blue as a precious stone, and warm, and there were towering cliffs – or so Rael said. Might it be like that time in Crimea? Then everything around would be so lovely that it wouldn’t matter that the man wasn’t exactly like Sofia’s father had been… What kind of man could be so rich that he’d take Mum to the island of Capri? Surely it would have to be a Finn? But weren’t the Finns big drinkers? What would a Finn who couldn’t hold his drink be like?

By and large Natalya Filippovna understood nothing of the whole business – some boys were in trouble. Boys that Sofia didn’t really even know, she’d only met them once at Zhanna’s at that awful party that Sofia had come home from in the dead of night. She’d given them her whole month’s pay – the money that she’d earned at Rael’s grandma’s, but the boys hadn’t taken it from her by force, she’d given it to them because they’d been in such trouble – that was what she’d said over and over again – that they were in a terrible state. Yet they’d been alive and healthy and, most important, Sofia herself was alive and healthy. The money, the five hundred kroons, was a large sum, no two ways about it, but not a matter of life and death now that Natalya was back in work… She couldn’t understand these kids, and what they thought was dreadful and what they didn’t… Perhaps it actually was a good idea – to go and light a candle for them – if it only satisfied Sofia. And going to church was good in itself, a healthy thing to do… Only, what if at the church she, Natalya, were to come face to face with the priest? Now that Dmitri Dmitrievich hadn’t arrived or phoned even though he’d promised he would, he’d agreed, down to the exact time… Could something have happened to him? Or had he hesitated, decided at the last minute that he wouldn’t call on a woman like her after all… Hardly likely though, was it, that the priest had anything to do with Dmitri Dmitrievich – there were plenty of people like that with that kind of voice… All said and done, she didn’t want to meet the priest and look him in the eye. The place she wanted to be was in that sordid bed – yes, she’d like to be there, but not with anyone other than Dmitri Dmitrievich, lying side by side, and Dmitri Dmitrievich could talk to her… about the good sun and the evil sun… But all this was completely impossible because Natalya had turned Vova down in no uncertain terms despite the fact that Vova’s wife would have been happy to let Natalya provide services to her clients for a fair while longer…

Natalya ached with longing. All the time. While at work building pathways for electrons or on the bus on the way home, or watching the telly without registering what was actually on – whatever she was doing she thought about Dmitri Dmitrievich. She even forgot to keep checking Sofia’s grades – she forgot to ask how school was going… Finally she even began to feel that Dmitri Dmitrievich was by her side. She was definitely not going mad. She could not see Dmitri Dmitrievich or hear his voice. But when she thought about him or wondered what he might have said in response to something or other, she had the feeling that Dmitri Dmitrievich was somewhere behind her, at her right shoulder, and would reply in his crooning, lilting voice… And she even confused what he had actually said earlier about something or other with what she, Natalya, now believed Dmitri Dmitrievich might say… If anything, things were actually easier this way – there was none of the depressing emptiness, just a feeling that he was always here somewhere…

He couldn’t really have died, could he? Once when visitors were round for tea, when Natalya was still small, her grandmother had said that when a small child dies it leaves a companion for its mother, like a guardian angel, and they can see the child – the ones with the gift, that is – hovering by the mother’s shoulder… It was just whether it was at the right shoulder or the left – that was what Natalya could not recall. But she was not Dmitri Dmitrievich’s mother. And he was definitely not a small child. If he had died, he would definitely have gone straight to heaven.

Natalya wondered for a moment – if Dmitri Dmitrievich really had died, would she want him hovering by her shoulder or would she want him to go straight to heaven? No, she didn’t want Dmitri Dmitrievich stuck at her side. Yet it was so good to sense his presence, sometimes the feeling was very strong, as if someone had delicately stroked her cheek like a warm, gentle breeze even though she was sitting indoors and there was no breeze, or was on the bus with all the windows shut.

She and Sofia had gone to church on the Sunday morning and lit a candle although the priest hadn’t been there. Was Dmitri Dmitrievich still going to Vova’s? Not that it would be right to ask. She just wanted to know, and to know that nothing had happened to him. “Oh, just let him be alive!” grieved Natalya Filippovna. “Never mind what he’s doing. Whether he calls or not, whether he’s still visiting Vova’s flat, Vova’s wife, the main thing is that he’s alive, healthy and alive.” Because if he wasn’t, she could no longer live, she’d be alive of course, but she’d live like a machine – she’d go to work like a machine, she’d make meals at home like a machine – she’d live only for her daughter, Sofia, like a machine – she’d no longer even be able to love her child or believe in God – she just wouldn’t… And when she worried and grieved in this way, she felt a gentle laughter at her right shoulder, at the nape of her neck, like grown-ups chuckling over childhood’s trifles. So much so that it embarrassed her. She remembered that once Dmitri Dmitrievich had said that the thing that everyone thought was love was not in fact true love – the love that people feel for their dogs or cats or husbands or wives or even the love that they feel for their children. All that was just learning to love. The truth was that people lived solely in order to learn to love, to love truly – but true love was like a light that spilled over everyone equally, be they an enemy or even a murderer or a vicious pile of scum… And when that love was clear, then everything in the world was clear!