Джон Макдональд - S*E*V*E*N

She gave a little nod. “I know. But I guess if it wasn’t like that, there’d be something wrong with both of us.”

“What kept bothering me before I woke you up, dear, was wondering if I really had sort of planned this, sort of trapped you. After all, I did spread the drawings and maps out on the bed.”

“No. Even smashed I’d have known right off if you were trying to set me up. I mean I can’t help the way I look, and ever since I was thirteen men have been trying to set me up, and I know the smell of it. No, honey, you were so anxious to show me the project, and if that roll of stuff had been in the living room, you’d have spread them out on the coffee table. But they were in here and the bed was closest and handiest. Anyway, what the hell difference does it make? I felt so damned happy about everything. And I felt very grateful to a very wonderful guy. So I started kissing him, damned near naked, on his bed, hugging him. I could have stopped you.” She frowned. “You know, there’s a funny way a person lies to themself. In my mind I had this little voice going on and on, saying it wasn’t really going to happen because it just couldn’t possibly happen. Then, like it happened all of a sudden, I thought it was your hand touching me, but you slipped into me all the way and that crazy little voice in my head started screaming, ‘It’s happened already! It really happened! It’s too late!’ Then no little voice any more. What am I going to do? I just can’t hide it from Lee. He’ll know right away. What’ll I do?”

He shook her so roughly it startled her.

“You are going to stop trying to punish yourself, Liz!”

“You hurt me then, damn it! Leaving black and blue marks isn’t going to help a bit.”

“When I bring you your clothes and cosmetics and such, I am going down to the dining room and you are going to come join me.”

“No. I can’t.”

“Too many people may have noticed we both disappeared for too many hours. You have to be strong. You have to be strong enough to be perfectly casual, normal, relaxed. We have to be seen together acting just the way we always have.”

“There’s no point. I can’t hide it from Lee. So there’s no point in playing games.”

“You have every reason in the world not to trust me, Elizabeth. But I wish you would. I wish you would trust me and believe in me, because I think I can tell you something about yourself. Let’s talk about Lee.”

“Lee? Oh, he was that dandy husband I used to have.”

“Don’t be a smart-ass child, please. I have been looking for a Lee Rountree for several years. I damn near didn’t realize I’d found him. Know why?”

“Not really.”

“He hangs back, Liz. He doesn’t push. I narrowly missed finding out just how very damn good he is.”

“I know what you mean now.”

“Liz, if he leaves me and goes to work somewhere else, nobody may ever again see his true potential. He will spend the rest of his life in the small time, way down the list in the minor leagues. Liz, I need that guy! Badly.”

“You are not alone,” she said bitterly.

“But out of childishness, selfishness, total self-involvement, you are perfectly willing to destroy him. Yet you claim you love him.”

“Mr. Bellinger, you goddamn fool, I have destroyed him, and myself, and one very good marriage.”

“Only because you want to.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Let me ask you something. You must answer honestly.”

“Go ahead.”

“You have an image of yourself as a certain type of person, capable of certain acts, incapable of others. You believe that Lee shares that image of you. Now, don’t you have the little feeling in the back of your mind that if you explained very carefully, in complete detail, exactly what led up to your getting screwed—”

“Jesus!”

“Shut up. You have the feeling that if he could really comprehend every part of it, then your mutual love is strong enough so that he could eventually forgive, really forgive, and even forget. Isn’t that true?”

“He couldn’t ever—”

“He’s too small? Too intolerant? Has no understanding, and damned little genuine love?”

“No!”

“Then you do have the little suspicion he might forgive you?”

“I... I guess so.”

“And you want to be forgiven, don’t you?”

“It would be the most wonderful thing—”

“Liz, you were absolutely confident you could keep our secret about his big chance in Uruguay.”

“Yes. I know I could have. But this other thing is—”

“Listen to me. You are so anxious to be forgiven, to be understood, you are going to clue him some way, somehow, just enough so that he’ll pry and pry until he gets the whole story. Confession to not only lessen guilt, dear girl, but to create such a terrible series of scenes, you will be punished for your transgression, and then, finally, after many acts of contrition, there will be the forgiveness. Sell it to daytime television, kid.”

“Damn you!”

“I want you to act like a grown-up in a grown-up world, dear.”

“And how do I do that?”

“By measuring and weighing alternatives. Do you think that after he knows what we did in this bed, he’d go on working for me?”

“On no! Never. He just couldn’t.”

“But you have to let him know about us, just because you want punishment and forgiveness?”

“I won’t be able to hide it from him! I told you that!”

“You won’t be able to hide it because you are sure that the act is forgivable because there were so many extenuating circumstances. Liz, my darling, the only way to show your love for your man is to make sure you don’t ever dare give him the slightest clue.”

“How do I make sure of that?”

“You have to do something you know he couldn’t ever forgive and forget. That is a safety device. Then you can’t ever reveal any part of this. It will keep you from cutting him down to the point where he can’t ever know or reach his real potential in the world.”

Her stare was very puzzled, thoughtful. As she started to speak, he moved his right hand with rough, shocking, brutal directness into the most intimate of caresses. She gasped, started violently, pried his hand away. “What the hell are you doing, Aldo?”

He pitched his voice high. “Lee, darling, I’ve got to tell you a terrible, terrible thing. Somehow I got a little drunk and I got reckless and affectionate and I got laid by Mr. Bellinger. Well, darling, I slept and then I woke up in his bed and we decided as long as the harm was done already, we might as well have an instant replay.”

“Aldo! For the love of God!”

“If we do, honey, then you can’t ever tell him any part of it.” He tugged against her resistance, tucked her head into the hollow of his shoulder. “It’s the only insurance you can take out, Elizabeth. Believe me. It’s the only way to protect your marriage and his future from your subconscious wish to have him make you confess. You have to make the whole situation so unforgivable and unconfessable you’ll fight like a tiger to rid his mind of any little suspicion he might get.”

She lay quietly, making no attempt to pull away from him. “You’ve sort of got me confused.”

“Then just think it all out, darling. Think it through. And be honest with yourself.”

“Don’t... touch me or anything, huh?”

“I never will again, unless you give me permission. While you are thinking, dear, you know that there is one question, if you do confess, that he is going to have to ask you.”

“I know.”

“Did you plan to tell the truth about that too?”