Фредрик Бакман - Anxious People

JACK:You’re witnesses in a criminal investigation. There are rules.

JULES:Is either of us suspected of committing a crime, then?

JACK:No.

JULES:Well, then. Then we’ll do this together. You know why?

JACK:No.

JULES:Because that’s just the way it is!

JACK:Christ, if there’s ever been a more difficult group of witnesses, I have no idea where that could have been.

JULES:Excuse me?

JACK:I didn’t say anything.

JULES:Yes you did, I heard you muttering.

JACK:It was nothing. Okay, you win, you can do this together!

RO:Jules is just worried I’ll say something stupid if she isn’t here.

JULES:Quiet now, darling.

RO:See?

JACK:For God’s sake, don’t you two ever stop babbling? I said okay! I’ll interview you both at the same time! But this isn’t how it’s supposed to work!

RO:Do you have to be so angry?

JACK:I’m not angry!

RO:Okay.

JULES:Yeah, right.

JACK:I need your real names.

RO:These are our real names.

JACK:They’re nicknames, surely?

JULES:Please, can’t you just focus on the interview? It doesn’t really matter, does it? I need to go to the toilet.

JACK:Okay, okay, sure. Because “what’s your name?” is a really complicated question.

JULES:Stop muttering and just ask your questions.

JACK:Right, I’m just a police officer, so obviously it’s perfectly reasonable for you to decide what goes on in here.

JULES:What?

JACK:Nothing. I just need to confirm that the two of you were inside the apartment for the entirety of the hostage situation. Were you?

RO:I don’t know about “hostage situation.” That sounds very harsh.

JULES:Please, Ro, pull yourself together now. What do you think we were if we weren’t hostages? Accidentally threatened with a pistol?

RO:We were more just an unfortunate consequence of some bad decisions.

JULES:Because someone tripped and happened to slip inside a ski mask?

JACK:Please, can you both just try to focus on my question?

JULES:Which one?

JACK:Were you inside the apartment the whole time?

RO:Jules was in the hobby room for quite a long time.

JULES:It’s not a hobby room!

RO:Closet, then. Stop being picky.

JULES:You know perfectly well what it’s called.

JACK:You were in the closet? How long for? I mean, how long before you came out of the closet?

JULES:What did you just say?

JACK:I mean, well, no, that’s not what I mean.

JULES:Right. So what exactly did you mean, then?

JACK:Nothing. I didn’t mean “come out of the closet” in any way except in relation to the fact that you were physically inside a… well, a closet.

JULES:We were in the apartment the whole time.

RO:Why do you sound so angry?

JULES:Maybe it’s the hormones , Ro? Is that what you’re trying to say?

RO:No, it really isn’t. Well, I certainly didn’t actually say that, in which case it doesn’t count.

JACK:I appreciate that you’ve had a difficult day, but I’m just trying to understand where everyone was at various times. For instance, when the pizzas were delivered.

RO:Why’s that important?

JACK:That’s the last time we know for certain that the perpetrator was in the apartment.

RO:I was sitting on the chaise longue when we had the pizza.

JACK:What’s that?

JULES:That bit at the end of the sofa. Kind of like a divan.

RO:No it isn’t—how many times do I have to tell you that it’s nothing like a divan? Do you know how you can tell that a chaise longue isn’t a divan? Because then it would be a divan !

JULES:Give me strength! Are we going to have the same argument now as when I didn’t know what a commode was? Do you know what a commode is?

JACK:Me? It’s a type of lizard, isn’t it?

JULES:See? I told you.

RO: It’s not a lizard!

JULES:It’s that cabinet in the bathroom, under the washbasin, apparently.

JACK:I had no idea.

JULES:No normal person knows that.

RO:Did you both grow up in caves? Seriously? A commode is a kind of cousin to a vanity. You know what one of those is, presumably?

JACK:Yes, I know what a vanity is.

JULES:How can you know that and yet still call a wardrobe a walk-in closet?

RO:Because a wardrobe is a word used by someone who blogs about juicing and hasn’t pooped a solid turd for three years, whereas a vanity is a proper piece of furniture!

JULES:See what I have to put up with? She was obsessed with vanities and commodes for three months last year because she was going to be a cabinetmaker. Just before she was going to be a yoga instructor, and just after she was going to be a hedge fund manager.

RO:Why do you always have to exaggerate? I was never going to be a hedge fund manager.

JULES:What were you going to be, then?

RO:A day trader.

JULES:What’s the difference?

RO:I didn’t get around to learning that. That was around the time I started to get interested in cheese.

JACK:I’d like us to go back to my question.

RO:You look stressed. It’s not good to bite your tongue like that.

JACK:I’d be less stressed if you just answered the question.

JULES:We sat on the sofa and ate pizza. That’s the answer to your question.

JACK:Thank you! And who was in the apartment at that time?

JULES:The two of us. Estelle. Zara. Lennart. Anna-Lena and Roger. The bank robber.

JACK:And the real estate agent?

JULES:Of course.

JACK:And where was the real estate agent?

JULES:Just then?

JACK:Yes.

JULES:Am I your GPS or something?

JACK:I just want you to verify that everyone else was sitting around the table eating pizza.

JULES:I suppose so.

JACK:You suppose so?

JULES:What’s your problem? I’m pregnant and there were people with guns, I had a lot of things to think about, I’m not some preschool teacher counting knapsacks on a bus.

RO:Is this a candy?

JACK:It’s an eraser.

JULES:Stop eating everything!

RO:I was only asking!

JULES:You know she opens the fridge in every apartment we look at? Do you think that’s acceptable behavior?

JACK:I really don’t care.