Даниэла Стил - All That Glitters

“Yes, there is,” she said softly. “I understand when you disappear. I’m fine with it.”

“But you’re not fine now, and you won’t be, and neither will she until she survives this. I can’t, Coco, I just can’t,” he sobbed and they held each other in silence for a long time. He had bared his soul to her, and loved her enough to do so.

“I’m so sorry, Ian. I love you. I’m so sorry your father did this to you, and your mother, and your sister. We’re going to make it through this. They’ll just have to cure Bethanie.” She was being strong for him, as well as for her daughter and herself.

“You’ll make it through this. Please God you both will. But I can’t do it with you. When you leave tomorrow you have to let me go.” He was the Phantom of the Opera, hiding in the darkness, and he had let her see beneath the mask. “Let me go, Coco, if you love me. I don’t want to let you down,” but he already had. He wanted to be there for her and Bethanie, but he knew he couldn’t. He was being honest with her, more than he ever had been in his life.

They lay together all that night and never slept. She was wide awake, as he lay with her, stroking her face and her body, as though to be sure he would remember every inch of her. They didn’t make love, they couldn’t have, with what was happening to Bethanie. They just lay there loving each other, as Ian silently said goodbye. She wondered if she would ever see him again, and didn’t think so. She was fighting not to lose Bethanie, and she was losing him at the same time, and she knew there was nothing she could do to stop him. She had to focus on Bethanie first and give her every ounce of her strength. She didn’t have enough for him too and he knew it. He had none for her.

He watched her leave the next day for the airport in a cab. He held her tight for a minute, and hugged Bethanie.

“You take care of your mama for me, right, Miss Beth?”

“Yes, Mr. Ian,” she said in a weak voice and smiled at him, as he steeled himself not to cry in front of her. His eyes met Coco’s for a long moment. He kissed her through the cab window, as she felt four years vanish in the mist. And then the cab pulled away and he stood there without moving. Then he went inside to pack his bags. It was time to hit the road again. For Ian, it was done. And for Coco and Bethanie, the fight had just begun.

Chapter 16

Sam met them at the airport in New York. He looked serious, but broke into a smile when he picked Bethanie up in his arms.

“Hiya, Uncle Sam. Where’s Nathan?” She smiled at him. She and his oldest son were friends on FaceTime, and the same age.

“He’s at school, where you should be. What are you doing in New York?” Coco had brought a stroller for her in case she felt too sick to walk or was tired, and Sam set her gently in it, and pushed her after they came out of customs.

“I’m here because I’m sick. They’re going to make me better.”

“That sounds like a good plan.” He exchanged a glance with Coco, who looked exhausted and tense, but was putting a good face on it when he kissed her. He didn’t ask her how she was. He could see it. She looked as though the world had come to an end.

The porter followed them with their bags. Sam had brought a car and driver so he didn’t have to park in the garage. He wanted to make everything as easy as possible for them. The driver picked them up quickly, and the porter loaded the bags into the car. Then they headed to the city. Sam came to the apartment with them. Theresa was waiting and took Bethanie to the kitchen to get something to eat. Coco hadn’t been to New York since her last visit with Ian six months before. Theresa still took care of the apartment that Coco couldn’t seem to let go of, as though she expected her parents to be there if she came home. But they weren’t. Things were looking faded and tired, although Theresa kept the shades closed when no one was there, which was all the time.

“How is she?” Sam asked her quietly, as they sat down in the den. Theresa had put fresh flowers around the apartment for them. They reminded her of her mother, who used to have flowers everywhere.

“She’s tired. Sick. I can’t wait to see the doctor tomorrow. I keep hoping they made a mistake, but I know they didn’t.”

“I’ll go with you,” Sam said quietly. “The appointment is at ten o’clock. Tamar said to tell you how sorry she is.” She had given birth to their fourth child, a son they had named David, a few weeks before. She’d had a caesarean section the last two times, and it had worn her out. “She says she’s done, but I don’t believe her. Four is a nice number, it works for me.” She knew what a devoted father he was. He helped Tamar with the kids as soon as he came home from work and on the weekends. But he couldn’t nurse them or give birth to them. “How’s Ian?” He was used to his being part of the furniture of her life, on an erratic basis, but they had been together for a long time. She hesitated when he asked and Sam looked at her strangely.

“Something wrong?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She was too shell-shocked and shaken up to react to it. The full impact hadn’t hit her yet, but she knew it would later, when she was alone. “He left today.”

“For where? Another book?”

“No, according to him, for good. He couldn’t deal with Bethanie being sick.”

“Are you serious?” Sam looked stunned. “Tell me he didn’t mean it.”

“I think he did,” she said quietly. “You were right a long time ago, he’s badly damaged. Some pretty awful stuff happened to him when he was young. I knew some of it, but not all until last night.”

“So awful that he can’t stick by you?” Sam couldn’t imagine it and didn’t want to, and what it must have done to her, to have brought her daughter with leukemia to New York, and have her man walk out on her. He was furious thinking about it.

“He can’t do it, Sam. His father murdered his mother when he was seventeen. And his seven-year-old sister, and then killed himself. Ian found them. He says he hasn’t been a whole person since. He says he can’t love anyone, but he loves us and I know it. The thought that Bethanie could die is too much for him. He said he was leaving me. He was packing when we left. He’s a broken man. And right now I have to worry about Bethanie. I can’t take care of him too. Maybe he was right to go. I didn’t want him to, but I can’t fix what they did to him. When he feels too much, he runs.”

“Oh my God, Coco. What else?”

“This is enough. It’s just about Bethanie right now. I’ll worry about me later. And Ian, if he comes back. But I don’t think he will.” She felt as though he had died, and a part of her with him, but he had died a long time ago. He was just a shell with a beating heart that was still bleeding twenty-eight years later. Right now she needed every ounce of her energy for her daughter. “Everything okay with you?”

“We’re fine. I think Tamar is depressed this time. She’s been very quiet since the delivery. It happened last time too.” He knew more about childbirth and the aftermath than most men.

“I never had that, but I’m a one-time mom, so what do I know?”

“You’re twenty-eight years old. You don’t know what could happen in the future. You might meet someone and have more kids.”

“Yes, I do know. Either Ian will come back, or some other dazzling guy will come along, someone broken or different or exotic or famous or brilliant and unusual and knock me right on my ass, and it’ll turn out like this again. Guys like Ian don’t go the distance. They can’t. And that seems to be my specialty, as you said a long time ago. Four years was a good run.” She seemed ready to let him go, which surprised Sam. But she knew from everything he’d said that she couldn’t hang on to him. The falling stars had turned to dust in her hands the night before.