William Boyd - Restless

Here my mother chuckled sardonically: 'For services to the espionage industry, you mean. They always wait a bit.'

'That's all I can dig up,' I said. 'There's not much at all. He calls himself Lord Mansfield now. That's why it took some tracking down.'

'His middle name is Mansfield,' my mother said. 'Lucas Mansfield Romer – I'd forgotten that. Any photographs? I bet you there aren't.'

But I had found a fairly recent one in Tatler, of Romer standing beside his son, Sebastian, at his twenty-first birthday party. As if aware of the photographer, Romer had managed to cover his mouth and chin with one hand. It could have been anyone: a lean face, a dinner-jacket and bow tie, a head now quite significantly bald. I had had a photocopy made and I handed it over to my mother.

She looked at it expressionlessly.

'I suppose I might just have recognised him. My, he's lost his hair.'

'Oh yes. And apparently there's a portrait of him by David Bomberg in the National Portrait Gallery.'

'What date?'

'Nineteen thirty-six.'

'Now that would be worth seeing,' she said. 'You might get some idea of what he was like when I met him.' She flicked the photocopy with a nail. 'Not this old chap.'

'Why do you want to find him, Sal? After all these years?' I asked as innocuously as I could manage.

'I just feel the time has come.'

I left it at that as Jochen wandered over with a grasshopper in his net.

'Well done,' I said. 'At least it's an insect.'

'Actually, I think grasshoppers are more interesting than butterflies,' he said.

'Run and catch another one,' my mother said. 'Then we'll have supper.'

'My God, look at the time,' I said. 'I've got a date.' I told her about Hamid and his invitation but she wasn't listening. I could see she was in Romer-land.

'Do you think you could find out where his house is in London?'

'Romer's?… Well, I suppose I could try. Shouldn't be impossible. But what then?'

'Then I want you to arrange to meet him.'

I put my hand on her arm. 'Sal, are you sure this is wise?'

'Not so much wise as absolutely vital. Crucial.'

'How am I meant to arrange to meet him? Why would Lord Mansfield of Hampton Cleeve want to meet me?'

She leant over and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

'You're a very intelligent young woman – you'll think of something.'

'And what am I meant to do at this meeting?'

'I'll tell you exactly what to do when the time comes.' She turned to the garden again. 'Jochen! Mummy's leaving. Come and say goodbye.'

I made a bit of an effort for Hamid, though my heart wasn't really in it. I rather relished these rare evenings alone but I washed my hair and put on some dark grey eyeshadow. I was going to wear my platform boots but didn't want to tower over him so I settled for some clogs, jeans and an embroidered cheesecloth smock. My burn-dressing was less conspicuous now – under the cheesecloth of the smock it formed a neat lump the size of a small sandwich. While I waited for him I set a kitchen chair outside on the landing at the top of the stairs and drank a beer. The light was soft and hazy and dozens of swifts jinked and dived above the treetops, the air filled with their squeakings like a kind of semi-audible, shrill static. Thinking about my mother, as I sipped my beer, I concluded that the only good outcome of this Romer-search was that it seemed to have cut down on the paranoia and the invalid play-acting – there was no more talk of her bad back, the wheelchair stood unused in the hall – but then I realised I had forgotten to ask her about the shotgun.

Hamid arrived, wearing a dark suit and a tie. He said I looked 'very nice' though I could tell he was a little disappointed at the informality of my outfit. We walked down the Woodstock Road in the golden, hazy evening light. The lawns of the big brick houses were parched and ochreous and the leaves on the trees – usually so vividly, so densely green – looked dusty and tired.

'Aren't you hot?' I asked Hamid. 'You can take your jacket off.'

'No, I'm fine. Maybe the restaurant has air-conditioning?'

'I doubt it – this is England, remember.'

As it turned out, I was right, but in compensation numerous roof fans whirred above our heads. I had never been in Browns before but I liked its long dark bar and its big mirrors, the palms and greenery everywhere. Globe lights on the walls shone like small albescent moons. Some kind of jazzy rock music was playing.

Hamid didn't drink but he insisted on my having an aperitif – vodka and tonic, thanks – and then he ordered a bottle of red wine.

'I can't drink all that,' I said. 'I'll fall over.'

'I will catch you,' he said, with awkward suggestive gallantry. Then he acknowledged his awkwardness with a shy confessional smile.

'You can always leave some.'

'I'll take it home with me,' I said, wanting to end this conversation about my drinking. 'Waste not, want not.'

We ate our food, chatting about Oxford English Plus, Hamid telling me about his other tutors, how another thirty oil engineers from Dusendorf were arriving, and that he thought Hugues and Bérangère were having an affair.

'How do you know?' I asked – I'd seen no sign of any increased intimacy.

'He's telling me everything, Hugues.'

'Oh, well… I hope they're very happy.'

He poured some more wine into my glass. Something about the way he did this and the set of his mouth and jaw forewarned me of some serious conversation coming up. I felt a faint lowering of my spirits: life was complicated enough – I didn't want Hamid complicating it further. I drank half the glass of wine in preparation for the cross-examination and felt the alcohol kick in almost immediately. I was drinking too much – but who could blame me?

'Ruth, may I ask you some questions?'

'Of course.'

'I want to ask you about Jochen's father.'

'Oh, God, right. Fire away.'

'Were you ever married to him?'

'No. He was already married with three children when I met him.'

'So: how come you had this child with this man?'

I drank more wine. The waitress cleared our plates away.

'You really want to know?'

'Yes. I feel I don't understand this. Don't understand this in your life. And yet I know you, Ruth.'

'No you don't.'

'Well, I have seen you almost every day for three months. I feel you are a friend.'

'True. OK.'

'So: how did this happen?'

I decided to tell him, or to tell him as much as he needed to know. Perhaps the act of relating such a history would help me also, set it in some kind of a context of my life; maybe make it not less significant (because it had produced Jochen, after all) but provide its significance with some perspective and thereby transform it into a normal slice of autobiography and not some gaping, bleeding, psychological wound. I lit a cigarette and took another long sip of wine. Hamid, I saw, had leant forward on the table, his arms folded, his brown eyes fixed on mine. I am a good listener, his pose was telling me – no distractions, full focus.

'It all began in 1970,' I said. 'I had just graduated, I had a first-class degree in French and German from Oxford University – my life lay ahead of me, full of bright promise, all sorts of interesting potential options and avenues to explore, etcetera, etcetera… And then my father dropped down dead in the garden from a heart attack.'

'I'm sorry,' Hamid said.

'Not as sorry as I was,' I said, and I could feel my throat thicken with remembered emotion. 'I loved my dad – more than my mother, I think. Don't forget I was an only child… So I was twenty-one years old and I went a little crazy. In fact, I think I might have had some kind of a nervous breakdown – who knows?

'But I wasn't helped at this difficult time by my mother who, a week after the funeral – almost as if she'd been given orders by someone – put the family home on the market (a lovely old house, just outside Banbury), sold it within a month and, with the money she made, bought a cottage in the remotest village she could find in Oxfordshire.'