Mark Haddon - A Spot Of Bother

He suggested she go into town to buy another dress and she was about to give him a hard time for thinking all female problems could be solved by shopping, when he said, calmly, “Buy a new dress. Find a café. Sit down with a book and a cup of coffee and come back in a couple of hours and I’ll sort everything out here,” and she kissed him and grabbed her bag and ran.

George had naïvely assumedthat when Katie and Ray said they would arrange everything themselves this meant he would not have to do anything.

Jean did not understand that if he drove into town to get flowers he might keep going until he reached Aberdeen. She did not understand that he needed to sit somewhere quietly doing very little.

Then the toilet upstairs overflowed and everything got very hectic indeed, so he went to lie down in the bedroom. But Jean came into the bedroom to get sheets and towels for Ronnie and Eileen and she was quite rude to him. So he shut himself in the bathroom, until Jean turfed him out because people needed to use the toilet. At which point it became rapidly clear to George that these complications were only going to multiply over the coming day, and that he would very soon not be able to cope.

He had been wildly unrealistic. There was no way he could do small talk with all these people, let alone stand up in front of them and give a speech.

He did not want to embarrass Katie.

It was obvious that he could not go to her wedding.

Jean had been wrongabout Ray.

Within an hour of his arrival everything was back on track. Katie had been sent into town. A man was coming to fix the toilet and Eileen and Ronnie had been sent to pick up the flowers with their blessed dog in tow.

And, strangely, he did seem to have control over the weather. She was making him a cup of tea just after he arrived when she looked out of the window and saw that the rain had stopped and the sun had come out. Within half an hour the men from the marquee turned up to dry the place out and he was in the garden ordering them around as if he ran the company.

True, he was a little brash sometimes. Not one of us, if you were going to put it like that. But it was beginning to dawn on her that being “one of us” was not necessarily a good thing. After all, her family were failing rather obviously to organize a wedding. Maybe a little brashness was precisely what was needed.

She began to see that Katie might be wiser than either she or George had realized.

Mid-afternoon her brother and his wife dropped in and offered to take her and George out for supper.

She explained that George was feeling a bit under the weather.

“Well, if George doesn’t mind, you could come on your own,” said Douglas.

She was halfway through a polite refusal when Ray said, “You go. We’ll make sure someone keeps an eye on the fort.”

And for the first time she was glad that Katie was marrying this man.

Jamie pulled intothe village and felt that slight sinking in his stomach he always felt going back. The family thing. Like he was fourteen again. He parked over the road from the house, turned off the engine and gathered himself.

The secret was to remember that you were an adult now, that all of you were adults, that there was no longer any need to fight the battles you were fighting when you were fourteen.

God, he wanted Tony with him.

He glanced across at the house and saw Uncle Douglas emerging from the side gate with his wife. Mary. Or Molly. He’d better check that with someone before he put his foot in it.

He slipped down in his seat so that he couldn’t be seen and waited till they’d climbed into their car.

God, he hated aunts. The lipstick. The lavender perfume. The hilarious stories about how you wet yourself during a carol service.

They drove away.

What was he going to say about Tony?

That was the problem, wasn’t it. You left home. But you never did become an adult. Not really. You just fucked up in different and more complicated ways.

At this point, Katie drove up and parked beside him. They got out of their cars simultaneously.

“Hey you,” said Katie. They hugged. “No Tony?”

“No Tony.”

She rubbed his arms. “I’m so sorry.”

“Listen, I was going to ask you about that. I mean, what have you said to Mum?”

“I haven’t said anything.”

“Right.”

“Just tell them the truth,” said Katie.

“Yeh.”

Katie looked him in the eye. “They’ll be fine. They have to be fine. I’m queen for the weekend. And no one is stepping out of line, all right?”

“All right,” said Jamie. “Great haircut, by the way.”

“Thank you.”

They headed into the house.

Katie walked intothe kitchen with Jamie and found the Blessed Saint Eileen seated at the table surrounded by a small jungle.

“We fetched your flowers,” said Eileen, getting to her feet.

For a moment Katie thought it was some kind of personal gift.

“Hullo, love,” said Mum, kissing Jamie.

Eileen turned to Jamie and said, “We haven’t seen this young man since…well, I don’t know how long it’s been.”

“A very long time,” said Jamie.

“So,” said Mum, looking slightly uncomfortable, “where’s Tony?”

Katie realized Mum was bracing herself for the poorly timed appearance of her son’s boyfriend in front of her unprepared evangelical sister. Which made her feel sorry for both Jamie and Mum. Clearly being queen for the weekend didn’t give her the power to resolve everything.

“I’m afraid he’s not coming,” said Jamie. Katie could see him steeling himself. “We’ve had a few problems. To cut a long story short, he went to Crete. Which is apparently very nice this time of year.”

Katie gave Jamie’s back a discreet pat.

“I am sorry,” said Mum and it seemed like she really did mean it.

Then Eileen said, “Who’s Tony?” in a wide-eyed innocent way that sent a noticeable chill through the room.

“Anyway,” said Mum, ignoring her sister completely and rubbing her hands together. “We’ve got lots to do.”

“Tony’s my boyfriend,” said Jamie.

And Katie thought that if it all went wrong, if the register office burned down or she broke an ankle on the way there, it would be worth it for the expression on Eileen’s face right now.

She looked as if she was receiving instructions from God on how to proceed.

It was quite hard to tell what Mum was thinking.

“We’re homosexuals,” said Jamie.

This, thought Katie, was over-egging the pudding a little. She pulled him toward the hallway. “Come on, you.”

And a man appeared at the kitchen door saying, “I’ve come to mend the toilet.”

Jamie and Katiewent into the bedroom and collapsed backward onto the bed. They were laughing too much to explain the reason to Ray or Jacob. And it really was like being fourteen again. But in a good way this time.

And then Jamie needed a pee, so he walked along the landing and as he was emerging from the loo his father appeared and said, “Jamie, I need to talk to you.” No greeting. No pleasantries. Just a conspiratorial whisper and a hand on Jamie’s elbow.

He followed his father into his parents’ bedroom and perched on the armchair.

“Jamie, look…”

Jamie was still fizzy from the encounter in the kitchen and there was something reassuring about his father’s quiet, measured voice.

“The cancer,” said his father, wincing in a slightly embarrassed way. “Come back I’m afraid.”