Christopher Buckley - Boomsday

Four years later, Randy ran again for the Senate, this time against the venerable senator Bascombe Smithers. “BS,” as he was called, was an affable if somewhat pointless senior statesman then serving his sixth term in the Senate and happy to serve a seventh “if the good people of this great commonwealth still want me.” He had never said an ill word of anyone (or gotten much accomplished by way of legislation) and was generally beloved by his colleagues for being one of the last of his breed to put aside partisan politics at six sharp every evening and pour the bourbon freely while reminiscing about the days when, as majority leader, Lyndon Johnson would pinch the behinds of the Senate elevator operators. In today’s hyperpartisan atmosphere, such bonding protocols have gone by the wayside, along with pinching the behinds of comely female elevator operators. The bottoms of Senate pages are still available.

Randy painted a target on Bascombe Smithers’s chest, turned to his campaign operatives, and said, “Commence firing. Fire at will.”

Randy’s people painted BS as a feckless drunk, tool of special interests, groper of underage women, comforter of terrorists, vile slaughterer of helpless animals (he went on the occasional pheasant hunt), and receiver of stolen property (someone on his staff had bought on eBay a vintage baseball card whose ownership was contested); in the narrative of Randy’s campaign, good old Senator BS deserved not only to lose for these odious crimes against humanity, but also to be dragged from the Capitol building and strung up from the tallest tree, his body left as carrion for crows.

Randy won by two thousand votes, having spent over $46 million of his dear departed mother’s inheritance. (It worked out to $79 per vote.) His acceptance speech on the night of his election put one pundit in mind of “Mussolini addressing a crowd from a balcony on Beacon Hill.”

“I take it,” Senator Randy said before Terry had sat down, “that this concerns our mutual friend. She looked a bit peaked on the television, but then I suppose the prospect of prison will do that to a person. Build yourself a drink from the bar. So, just how may I render assistance?”

“You’re on the Judiciary Committee,” Terry said, leaving the rest for the senator to fill in. So-call the fucking Attorney General.

“Ah. You want me to…intervene?” He said the word as if holding it with tongs.

“Yes, Randy.”

Randy sat back, lifted his artificial leg, and rested it on a leather ottoman kept for that very purpose.

“It’s not as though I don’t have some history with the lady. I did try to do the decent thing back then.”

“After driving her into a minefield?”

The kinda spooky look came into Randy’s eyes. “I paid a price for that myself.”

“Yeah. And now you’re in the Senate and she’s in jail, looking at life without parole.”

“Which I regret, but I hardly put her there.”

“But you can get her out.”

“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. Look here, old bean, I’m on thin ice as it is. I’m the most detested member of the United States Senate, according to Washingtonian magazine. They put it on the cover: THE MOST HATED MAN ON CAPITOL HILL. You know what I say to that? Oderint dum metuant. ”

“You’re going to have to translate that for me. I didn’t go to Gratin.”

“It’s Groton. Means ‘Let them hate, so long as they fear.’ Cato. Quite one of my favorite sayings. Do you know where I first saw it? On a needlepoint pillow. In my mother’s parlor.”

“Fascinating. You’re missing the big picture.”

“Moi?”

“This kid’s your ticket to the top.”

Randy leaned back in his chair. “And just how do you figure that?”

“Take a look.” Terry took out his laptop. He and Randy pored through charts of polling data. “Look at those figures for the eighteen to thirty age group,” Terry said. “I’ve never seen them this solid. Sixty-five to eighty percent. This is going to be the hot-button issue in the next presidential race. Assuming this yo-yo in the White House doesn’t get us into another war.” The United States was currently engaged in six wars. The military was stretched to such a point that it was now safe for countries to invite the United States to attack them. The latest humiliation was Bolivia ’s unilateral declaration of war.

Randy puffed out his cheeks contemplatively. “If I were to perform this…act of mercy, there would hardly be any point in doing it quietly.”

Terry closed his laptop and grinned. “You know what I like about you, Senator?”

“My checkbook?”

“No. With most clients, I have to explain. Never with you.”

“That’s”-Senator Randy smiled-“because I went to Gratin. You do understand that we could all go down in flames if this thing turns on us? But I do believe it would be the most gorgeous fire.”

The next day, on the floor of the U.S. Senate with three other senators present, one of them asleep and the other two twiddling with their BlackBerrys, Randolph K. Jepperson stood at his desk and in his best senatorial voice said, “Mr. President, I rise to protest an outrageous wrong, perpetuated upon our children, and our children’s children, from this very chamber, in the heart of what was once a country with a heart.…”

Terry didn’t want to be observed sitting in the Senate gallery, so he watched his words being uttered on TV, back at the office.

One of his friends, a lobbyist for the insecticide industry, called. “I’m watching your boy He’s-No-Jefferson on C-SPAN yapping about some Social Security ‘reparations’ bill he’s sponsoring? What’s that about?”

“Some notion he’s got,” Terry said matter-of-factly. “I like it. Idea is that kids are getting fucked on Social Security, so he’s proposing a moratorium. No one under thirty has to pay in. The second part is Congress has to permanently fix the system, make it solvent, make it pay for itself, instead of this fucking Ponzi scheme we’ve got, where the debt just gets handed on to the next generation. If Congress doesn’t, then the moratorium continues. I like it. And I think it’s going to be hotter than a chili pepper in the presidential.”

“Oh, sure,” his friend snorted, “that’s got a real good chance.”

“It’s the fate of many propositions,” Terry said, “to begin as heresies and end as truths. I read that somewhere, anyway.”

“Yeah, well, you send me a postcard when it becomes a truth. Say, listen, we gotta do a PSA on this mesothamalide-7 thing because we’re getting clobbered by the fucking bird huggers.”

“I told you,” Terry said, “you gotta rename that shit. It sounds like something they use in concentration camps. Call it…I don’t know, something like poly…poly-pepto…perfumo-honeysuckle-number nine. Something harmless. Look up what they put in ice cream and call it that.”

“It’s chemicals, Terry. We can’t rename chemicals.”

“Then brand it. Call it ‘Bug-Away’ or ‘Bug-a-Boo’ or-I got it-‘ Bug-a-Bye.’ Something cute. I gotta go, Larry. My guy’s on the floor here, making a major policy statement. Doesn’t happen every day. Call you later.”

Randy’s speech might as well have been a pebble dropped into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean for all the coverage it got. But it set the stage for what Terry called “the gathering storm.”

The next day, Randy showed up outside the Alexandria Detention Center and held an “impromptu” press conference-prearranged by Terry-in which he called on the government to release Cassandra Devine, pending her trial.

“The whole world is watching,” he intoned gravely. It was a bit of an exaggeration. But a lot of people had gathered outside the detention center, several hundred of Cass’s supporters. One person who was watching on TV was Bucky Trumble, chief political counselor to the president of the United States, and he was having a bad day. The secretary of the Treasury had just informed him that the Bank of China had declined the new issue of U.S. Treasury bills.