John Banville - Shroud

Her room had the look of having undergone a subtle alteration: it was as if a band of intruders had come in and shifted everything around and then put it all back exactly as it had been. She changed out of her soiled skirt, and ran hot water in the bathroom and bathed her grazed elbow. She brushed her teeth, and stood for a long time motionless at the mirror, holding the toothbrush, not looking at herself. She did not know what to do. She returned to the bedroom and sat on the side of the bed and telephoned her mother and told her she was coming home. She kept her hand cupped over the mouthpiece and spoke in a whisper, as if there were someone in the room to overhear her, and her mother had to keep asking her to repeat what she had said. There were silences in which she could hear her mother's breathing. She thought of their voices flying through the darkness, over the city's roofs and then the countryside and then the high, white peaks and then other cities and then the sea and then… and then… "Your father has left me, by the way," her mother said, with a hard little laugh. "He has gone back to what he still calls home, to live with the ghost of his Mammy." She did not reply. She was wondering how telephones work. Do the wires carry the actual words, or are the words turned into signals, impulses, that are then turned back into words again? How would that be done? There must be a device in every phone to encode what is being said as it is said and to decode it again immediately at the other end. But where would it be, such a device? Would it be in the telephone itself, or in the thing she was holding, the what do you call it, the receiver? "Are you all right?" her mother said, unable to suppress a note of impatience in her voice. Was she all right? She did not know. Gently she hung up, and thought she heard the click of the connection breaking, like a tongue clicking, an instant before the line went dead. So her father had left, at last; she was glad. She waited a moment and picked up the receiver again, wondering why it should be called only the receiver, never the sender. She had not said goodbye. The line snarled softly at her, busy with reproof. Again she hung up, and waited for her mother to call back, hunched forward tensely with her arms tightly folded across her chest, gazing unblinking at the phone. But it did not ring. How could it? She had not told her mother where she was. She thought of the moon that she had looked at from the window in Vander's room, with all that space around it, that darkness.

She made her way back through the hushed, humming corridors. Vander was still asleep. She leaned over him, smelling the sick-room smell he gave off, of ash and candle wax and urine. A tiny, fish-scale glitter was visible between the not quite closed lids of his blind eye. She watched the cords in his throat stretching and straining with each breath he drew. She sat down and resumed her vigil. She was calm now, but she knew she would not sleep. She still had that sensation, that had begun after her seizure at the restaurant, of being afloat, dulled and motionless, like a fish in a stream, while everything rushed past her on all sides, the world itself and all that was in it, dense, clear and swift. What time it was when she heard the child singing she did not know, only that it was late, the middle of the night. Perhaps she had been asleep, after all, in a kind of sleep, sitting there by the bed, for certainly when she heard the child she thought that the sound had wakened her. And as sometimes when the dreamer is suddenly roused the dream vanishes, so now whatever it was that had been going through her head, dream or musings or memories, all vanished on the instant, leaving only this moment, in this room, in the lamplight, with the old man breathing on the bed and the sound from the corridor of the child, singing. It was not one of her voices, it was outside her, outside the room, real, a thin, high, wordless crooning. She sat and listened to it for a while, unafraid. It was not so much a sound as a part of the silence, a part of the night, there and not there, like darkness, or the air itself. She went to the door and opened it cautiously. She expected to find the child standing outside, on the very threshold, face lifted, singing to her, but no, there was nothing, and no one. She looked up and down the corridor; it was deserted. She stepped out, and the door shut itself behind her; it was all right, she had the key, Vander's key, she had it in her hand. She walked to where the corridor turned. A faint breeze came from around the turn and put its ineffectual hands against her face, her bare arms. She held back, and saw herself walk forward again. The child was a boy, or a boyish girl, perhaps, very small, a miniature being, more like a midget than a child, with a sharp little white face and a cap of black hair coming down on the forehead in a widow's peak. It was sitting, reclining, really, on the carpet, on the floor, outside a door that was shut, in a peculiar, twisted posture, supporting itself on one elbow. It had a sort of doll that it was playing with. Hearing her cautious step it stopped singing at once and looked up at her with a wide, solemn stare, seemingly unsurprised by her appearing like this, silently, on silent feet. Its lower lids hung a little loose of the eyes, so that from where she was standing she could see the inner edges, two narrow crescents of glistening membrane that were the same texture as the little mouth's pink, parted lips. The doll it was playing with was made of wool, a stuffed beige wool torso and beige limbs and a knobbly, bald head, all swollen and worn; the face, she saw, had no features. Losing interest in her, the child resumed its whining song and set the fat doll to a wallowing, drunken dance. She wanted to say something, but she did not think the child would understand her, whatever the language in which she spoke. So she simply stood and watched it playing, and listened to its droning song. Then the door where it was lying was opened inward suddenly, opened wide, with a suck and a gust, and although all she could see of the room was a wedge of lamplight and the leg of a chair, she had a sense of drinks and discarded clothes and smeared supper plates perched on sofa arms. A voice spoke, and was answered from farther within by a lazy laugh, and a man's shirt-sleeved arm came down and grasped the child under its shoulders and lifted it briskly up and in. The last she saw of it were its withered little legs, dangling jointlessly, like the useless nether parts of a ventriloquist's dummy as it is whisked away into the wings under its master's arm at the end of the act. She went back to Vander's room and without undressing lay down beside him on the bed and fell at last into a depthless sleep.

A clatter and crash woke them both at once. It was broad day. For the space of a held breath they lay staring at each other from pillow to pillow in baffled alarm. The crash came again. Cass Cleave rose and drew back the heavy inner curtains and opened wide the two tall panels of the window. A shutter outside had corne loose from its catch and was swinging against the wall. There were white horse-tails high in the scoured sky and over the whole city an oceanic wind was pouring in luminous billows. She leaned out and hooked the shutter fast. Vander sat up, bleary and blinking, smacking gummed lips, long strands of white hair floating and flickering about his head like charged electric filaments. "You," he said, glaring at her. "Still here." She did not answer, but came and started to rearrange the bedclothes around him. He made no move to help her, would not even shift his haunches to let her pull the sheet straight. "I am sick," he said. "Was I asleep?" Still she did not answer him. With a groan he got himself out of bed and shuffled past her into the bathroom and slammed the door. The bedclothes when she pulled them back released a stronger waft of his ashy, waxen odour. From the bathroom came the sounds of retching followed by a loud moan of fury and disgust. She went to the window again. In the building opposite a man was leaning out of his window, smoking a cigarette. She could see an office behind him, with a desk and papers and office machines, all stark and shadowless under the unreal, icy glare of strip-lights in the ceiling. They regarded each other for a moment in faint, humorous desperation, like two castaways trapped on their separate islands, the deep, unfordable channel of the street running between them. She could feel the wind buffeting the building.