Xaviera Hollander - The Happy Hooker - My Own Story

After every bust I have to move to a new apartment in a different precinct. That means moving vans, new wall-to-wall carpeting, having the phones reinstalled, and trying to get the business going again at a new address.

So now maybe you get a better idea of some of the expenses big madams are faced with. Just the ordinary expenses of running a house like mine are high. I have a maid every night, sometimes a butler, and the liquor my customers drink also runs up.

In my business we also have unusual petty-cash expenditures, which can become large items. Take for instance the large-size lingerie, black fishnet tights, panties, bras, garterbelts, and wigs I have to buy and keep in my closet for the transvestites who want to be all dressed up by me and the girls. These delicate feminine underthings don’t last long, being stretched out of shape as they are by the freaks I put them on. And they have to be washed constantly, because these weirdos usually come all over them or in them. But lawyers and payoffs are what hit me the hardest. In the last eight months they have come to about $25,000.

I paid $400, to the police, just to get my black book back after my last arrest. This book, which I have brought up to date myself, is the heart of my business. Just as I keep all my financial records in my red book, in the black book I keep all the information about my customers. Names, addresses, telephone numbers. If I have a home phone number, I put it in brackets to remind me not to call unless in an emergency like a bouncing check. I keep little notes on the johns, such as whether they spend fifty or a hundred dollars, if they want two girls at a time, drink a lot, weirdo, slave, con-artist, big cock, sweet person, shy, likes variety, likes to eat pussy, pays extra for around the world, and COD – that means get paid up front, he’s stingy, or tries to chisel you down.

A typical entry in my book would look like this: “Peter Pan;…; OK; Lolitas; diminutive.”

Translated this means that the john called Peter Pan pays “…” – which is code for $50. His credit is good (OK). He likes very young girls (Lolitas). He has a small cock (diminutive). Another john in my book is coded as follows: “Steve Supercock; *; COD; Groups; S.F.”

Steve’s name in the book speaks for itself as to the size of his cock. He pays “*” – or $100. His credit isn’t too good, and he haggles about price, so get the money up front (COD). He likes making the scene with more than one girl at a time (Groups). He’s an out-of-towner from San Francisco (S.F.).

If I put down “MSS” after a name, the john is a freak, a slave, and I get out my goodie bag when he comes over. Sometimes I have the real name of a customer in the book followed by his pseudonym. But in any case I know who all of them really are, but go along with their desire to be called by the fake name they have taken. So it is easy to see why I can’t afford to lose my books, which are really the most valuable things I own. I have to get them back, and naturally I pay off to do so.

Another important service also costs me much more than it should. In my four moves this past year I always go through the same real-estate agent. This guy is socking it to me on fees and commissions, he cheats me left and right, but I stay with him because he always gives me a cool building. He knows the manager of the building, he knows the superintendent, and he knows that there are other girls working in the building. All of this is so important to me that I cannot argue about being hit over the head with expenses. And my real-estate broker will take nothing out in trade with me.

I use this expression, “take it out in trade,” a lot. I do indeed operate on a barter basis. A man who runs a private country club in New Jersey brings me most of my liquor in cases that he takes out of the club’s liquor supply. I give him a girl for a case of liquor and pay the girl $25. This man is usually quite horny, and once he wanted five girls in a night. He gave me three cases of liquor and a check for a hundred dollars. My florist gave me two beautiful big indoor plants worth $80 for one quickie. My jeweler gives me a good discount for a screw now and then, and there is even this old Jewish shoemaker down on Ninth Street who makes the finest shoes and takes his pay in a girl. He made me a beautiful pair of shoes worth easily $50, and when I came to get them he put me in the chair of his dirty little office, I only took my pants off, put my legs up and apart, and the old cobbler gets it up enough to get in me, and boom, boom, in less than two minutes he comes and I go off with the shoes.

A furniture manufacturer I know gave me two chairs and a chaise longue for a few blow-jobs, and even the staff of the Chinese restaurant downstairs in my building brings up Chinese food at a discount. In return I give these Chinese boys a girl for half-price, $25. This is in addition to their once-a-month freebie in exchange for free meals.

I tip the five doormen in the building $10 a week, but the superintendent prefers that I give him a girl twice a month, which in my system of accounting is worth one hundred dollars. The building manager I tip on the same basis, so it costs me $200 a month in trade to take care of the two of them. These gifts are worthwhile, because after an arrest a prostitute gets evicted right away, but this didn’t happen to me after my last, well-publicized arrest. I screwed the manager an extra time, and as a special favor fucked one of his friends as well. Thus I was allowed to stay in my apartment until I was ready to move at leisure into a new place.

It is always important to be friendly with the building personnel. I remember I came home from a friend’s party one night very horny and this tall 17-year-old Negro boy was on duty at the entrance to the building. I told him to come up to my apartment so I could give him his tip. He came up and I almost raped him. We fucked our brains out, plus I gave him ten dollars, and so he was quite happy with his “tip.” Trouble was, he fell in love with me. For me it was no more than washing my hands. Once I had him, I forgot him, but he kept calling me and giving me presents, such as records and flowers, and I had a hard time discouraging him from bothering me.

I also have a swinging druggist who gives me amyl nitrate without prescription and lets me have a good rate on the Koromex jelly and cosmetics I buy in quantity. Although I have never fucked the druggist, he sometimes sends me his special friends, whom I take care of. One of my girl friends has a beautifully furnished apartment, and she literally fucked it together. Everything in the apartment she got screwing manufacturers and salesmen.

As I mentioned, one of my big expenses is having my four telephones installed each time I have to move to a new apartment. This is a big job and takes two or three days, since I have a set of wall phones plus others in two locations. Fortunately, I have a friend at the telephone company, a telephone installer I call, when I need him. He comes over himself and does the job and I give him a girl when he finishes the job, or else fuck him myself.

While I was working for Madeleine I discovered a girl can even trade her way, around the world. I mean traveling in an airplane, not eating an ass. Madeleine came from South Africa, and she liked to go back to visit, except the trip was expensive, about $1,000 first class. One of her best customers was a very horny guy who was one of the owners of a foreign airline. For her round-trip ticket she would give this john girls worth the amount of the ticket, and thus, even after paying the girls their share, she saved fifty percent on the price of the trip.

When I started my own business this same guy came to me and wanted to trade tickets for my girls. I said I would work something out with him when I was ready to go to Holland again. This sort of trade deal is really worthwhile if you want to take a long trip to Hawaii or Australia. Then you can really feel the difference in working out the tickets in trade.