Ha Jin: A Free Life

I dream of becoming an idle Nan, in whose calendar all days are blank. Don't blame me if I am such a man

who goes to ball games as a major fan
and whose job is to draw cash from the bank.
I dream of becoming an idle Nan.

Scientists, artists, statesmen do what they can, but I would have my good fortune to thank. Don't scold me if I am such a man.

Trouble will always come if you have a plan
to attack front and flank.
I dream of becoming an idle Nan –

in the morning I'll eat omelet with ham; if it's fine, I will roam the riverbank. Don't pinch me if I am such a man!

Time will crush everything into one span. Why strive for money, power, fame, and rank? I dream of becoming an idle Nan. Don't kill me if I am such a man!

Again I'm back at square one, where every street says "Dead End." I thought my daughter, unborn yet, would show me an outlet.

Again I'm back at square one
to face an empty yard where a house once stood.
My child was a vision I lost myself in.
If only I had unlearned selfish parenthood.

Again I'm back at square one, holding a little casket I cannot inter. My child died before she grew a lung. If only I knew where they dumped her.

Again I'm back at square one,
where a man has to restart alone.
Let me unsee my daughter's twinkling pulse
so I can search my soul for a milestone.

I had my baby with me again last night.
She curled up at my side,
saying, "Mommy, your bed is so nice.
It's cold out there,
I'm so scared."

"Don't be, my child." I patted her silky hair.

She told me,
"I won't wet your bed, Mommy." I said, "Don't be silly- you're not big enough to pee."

I woke to find her tiny coffin against my cheek, still stuffed with her little quilt and mattress. Oh if only I could hold her again inside me.

Again I saw my baby this morning. She was on the deck, toddling. Now and then she peeked in through the glass door, prattling.

Under his pencil a land is emerging. He says, "I'm making a country."

In no time it blooms into colors.
A blue bay opens like a horseshoe on
the shoulder of a glacier.
Below, a chain of mountains zigzags,
greened with rain forests.
Farther down he places mines:
aluminum, silver, copper, titanium,
iron, gold, uranium, tungsten, zinc.
Two oil fields beside branching rivers
are kept apart by a sierra called Mount Funfun.
In the south a plain stretches
into vast fertile land, where
he crayons farms that yield oranges,
potatoes, apples, strawberries,
wheat, broccoli, cherries, zucchini,
poultry, beef, mutton, cheese.
(There's no fishery
because he hates seafood.)

On the same map he draws a chart-
railroads crisscross the landscape;
highways, pipelines, canals
entwine; sea lanes curve
into the ocean, airports
raise a web of skyways.
He imposes five time zones.

For a child a country is a place unmarked by missiles
and fleets. He doesn't know
how to run it with the power
to issue visas and secret orders
and to rattle nuclear bombs like slingshots.

was to be free of responsibility,
to be born the youngest in her family,
pampered by her parents and humored
by big brothers and sisters,
and later to marry a man of mild temper
who would worry alone about money,
business, household duties, the authorities.

But born the oldest child,
she had to tend her siblings,
cut grass for ducks and geese,
gather firewood in the valley,
and walk miles to shop in the villages.
She'd cook supper
if patients delayed her mother.

Like many women of her generation
she cannot recall a happy episode
in her childhood. Yet she's resolved
to give her children a loving home
so that they won't be bowled over
if someone whispers to them "I love you."

My parents have forgotten that I wear a phone
as a custodian at the hospital…
to get the call when a toilet needs cleaning.

All your sufferings are imaginary,
all your losses not worth mentioning
if you keep in mind what you used to see-
peasants eating husks and tree leaves in the spring,
workers feasting their bosses to get a raise,
police rounding up the villagers who refuse to relocate,
women getting sterilized after their firstborn,
newlyweds setting up house in cattle sheds,
worshippers arrested and forced to live
on rotted food if they do not repent-
by comparison, all your misfortunes are imaginary.

Here in America you can speak and shout,
though you have to find your voice and the right ears.
You can sell your time for honest bread,
you can eat leftovers while dreaming
of getting rich and strong,
you can lament your losses with abandon,
if not to an audience, to your children,
you can learn to borrow and get used
to living in the shadow of debt…
Still, whatever grieves you has happened
to others, to those from Ireland,
Africa, Italy, Scandinavia, the Caribbean.
Your hardship is just commonplace,
a fortune many are dying to seize.
Immigrant Dreams

She too sells her hours in America.
Her dream has evolved into a house
on two acres of land with a pool.
She once dreamed of becoming a diva
or movie star or a painter
who specialized in fish and bamboo.
But she gave up art school
and came here to expand her selfhood.
At least that's what she planned to do.

He didn't know that at heart
she was a mother and wife,
a woman who would love burgers and fries.
Indeed, dollars can equalize most lives.
If only he were twenty again
or could stop patching his dream
with diffident feet and rhymes.

Every religion promises a unique heaven
where there's no sickness, old age, pain, or death.
In Pure Land Buddhism, heaven is said
to lie somewhere in the west,
and you can get there if you do good,
recite Amida's name every day, and never kill.
You'll be reborn into that vaulted domain,
not from the spasms of a womb
but from a lotus flower-such a birth saves you from
falling back into a lesser incarnation on earth.
Once you settle in the Pure Land
you'll suffer no extremes of cold and heat;
you'll be provided with beautiful clothing
and gourmet food, always ready and warm.
There will be no anger, greed,
jealousy, ignorance, laziness, or strife.
The place is resplendent with precious stones,
towers built of agate, palaces of diamonds.
Huge trees of various gems bear
blossoms and fruits, always fresh.
Giant lotus flowers diffuse fragrance everywhere.
Pools inlaid with seven jewels
hold the purest water, which adjusts itself
to the depth and temperature each bather needs.
Under your feet spreads the ground paved with jade.
Day and night flowers fall from the sky shaded
by nets of gold, silver, and pearls.
In the air waft celestial music and aromas.
Not to mention living with Buddha and bodhisattvas.