Джон Апдайк - Memories of the Ford Administration

I remember, or seem to, a moment — it must have been at least a year into the Ford Administration, since it bespeaks an advanced state of domestic rearrangement — when Genevieve and I tucked her two little girls into bed on a futon spread on the living-room floor of my apartment in Adams. The girls, Laura and Susan, were nine and six. The Perfect Wife and I had cooked them a perfect children’s dinner — well-done hamburgers, unfrozen peas and French fries, and popsicles for dessert, let’s say — in my closet of a kitchen, with its hidden troops of roaches that would parade forth at night. We all played some sort of board game — I forget the details, it was based on the fuzzy zoömorphs of Sesame Street , and involved spinning a dial that kept sticking at the same slice of directive pie — and put the girls to bed and then went to bed ourselves. Just as if we were really married and formed a legitimate family.

Tears start up at so pretty and perilous a memory. The girls gravely stared up at us, their glossy bangs brushed to a glow — Laura had her father’s sandy-brown hair, Susan her mother’s straight pure black, almost Chinese in luster — and their eyes shared the wide-awake look of the little pet dolls and stuffed animals tucked beneath the L. L. Bean puff with them. Laura clutched a plastic glamour-girl with spun-glass hair and long stiff pink plastic legs, and Susan a limp lamb with dirty wool. Matter in the wrong place. Their being there, on my floor, blew, as a phrase of the era went, my mind. Simultaneously host and interloper, destroyer and nurturer, I fussed over technicalities. Would they be too warm, with the radiator I couldn’t turn off? I’d leave the window open a crack. Should I leave the bathroom light on, so they could find it in the dark? I would, but I’d close the door all but a crack, so the light wouldn’t shine in their faces. Would the sound of city traffic and the flickering neon sign of the restaurant keep them awake? I’d lower the shade and maybe close the window entirely, then. “Your mommy and I will be right in that other room, in case you need us for anything.”

“You can close your door,” Laura told me, with what I imagined was precocious understanding of our need for privacy. Perhaps in retrospect it was her need to stop my fussing.

I laughed in complicity. “Thanks, Laura, but there is no door, funnily enough. There isn’t room to swing a door, the bed takes up all of the bedroom, and there’s the radiator on this side, so somebody who lived here before me took the door off the hinges and threw it away.”

“Wasn’t that against the law?” little Susan asked.

“You mean,” I said, “like taking the little ticket off a pillow?”

The two girls stared up at me in silence, not seeing the joke. But I was a new factor in their lives, and they wanted to be careful, respectful.

Where was their real, their validated, father? It comes to me: he was up in the mountains, skiing. The faculty couples had taken pity on him, and he was always being invited places — sailing, skiing, three days of tennis camp. He was Mr. Popular. On this occasion, while we mice played, he was with, I am almost certain, the Wadleighs. They had gotten back together, after a year of outside skirmishes and consultation with financial advisers; her money had worked its way into their marital interstices like a tenacious glue; he had too many pianos to move out. In addition to their modernist house above the river they owned a condo in a postmodern complex above Conway, near Wildcat. So Brent was tearing up the slopes with the Wadleighs while his perfect wife and I were playing house in the slums of Adams. Not slums, exactly, since the entire city, some would say, was a slum. Only the boldest of our Wayward girls ever crossed the bridge alone, to buy snowboots or have her typewriter repaired, and it was a roguish date indeed who took one of them barhopping through the string of ethnic cafés threaded among the all-but-abandoned mills.

From the teetering height of my corrupt adulthood I gazed down at the staring small girls. Laura, with Brent’s coarse beige hair, had more of Genevieve’s delicacy of feature — the sloe eyes, the starry eyelashes, the high-arched nose with its pinched nostrils — and Susan’s black hair, silkier even than her mother’s, framed a brow and jaw prominent and squared off like Brent’s. But, then, Genevieve’s jaw did not recede, either; her chin was spade-shaped [Eds.: Have I said this?], with a delicious kissable flat spot, almost a dent, smaller than a dime, in the center. In fact the girls were still unformed and traces of their parents eddied within a pure potentiality that confronted me with a strong sense of separate identity, of genetic synthesis hurled forward into a world that would eventually leave me behind. But for now I towered over them. The girls had always been friendly, if shy, with me; to them I was a man who had come to comfort and entertain their mother in the vacuum their father had left. I was taken for the cure where in truth I was the malady. This deception, which I could not practice on my own, older children, saddened yet gratified me; in this embarrassing time of transition the only unblaming eyes turned upon me belonged to the two persons I had most injured. More guilty-making still, they were charming preadolescent miniatures of my mistress and lacked any of the awkward hormonal overdrive and overweight beginning to afflict my Daphne, who had turned twelve since I had left.

“Sweet dreams, guys,” I said to my tiny guests, my future stepdaughters, and, villain though I was, I didn’t quite have the effrontery, or the physical elasticity, to bend down and kiss them good night. I retired to the kitchen’s penitential space to wash the dishes while the Perfect Mother kneeled on the futon between the girls and murmured to them the day’s last reassurances, ending with a sweet, wispy lullaby and prayer. She said prayers with them, a fact I found as exciting as the breadth of her spread derrière as she bowed low, mingling her hair with her daughters’.

How far I had moved into a new self! My own children a mile distant going to bed without prayers, in a hollow cold house made huge by its lack of a resident man, and I posing as a paternal angel here in my overheated lair, my male fulfillment purchased at the cost of a blighting blow to all these budding lives. It gave my stomach abrasive butterflies that had rubbed its lining raw. The round white dishes, coming clean one by one in the watery suds of the porcelain sink, where in a few hours the cockroaches would hold their nocturnal rally, belonged to a different universe from myself; I could never come clean.

And yet … domestic/erotic rearrangements like this happened all the time. The Queen of Disorder was no saint. With Ben Wadleigh stuffed back for the while into his marriage with Wendy, my own wife disappeared into the night on the arm of a variety of beaux, including, the children told me in scandalized tones, a lunk much younger than herself, who claimed to be a carpenter, and we all knew what that meant in the Ford era — it meant dropout, it meant hippie, it meant upper-class kid who had fried his brain on drugs. Norma had agreed in principle to a divorce, but in her disorderly way was languidly slow about taking legal steps, and I didn’t have the heart to hurry her. It was enough that, living with the children, she looked worse in their eyes than I did, a prodigal out of sight over in Adams, showing up at the house now and then to devour the fatted calf.

When the plates were all stacked in the rubber-coated rack like ceramic baleen, behind a shark’s grin of washed silver, I stepped stealthily back into the dimmed living room and met Genevieve’s image halfway. Her slightly wide face, her slender hands to which her wedding ring still clung, the triangle of white wool turtleneck in the V of her black cashmere sweater floated in the jagged shadows of the room like dry spots in an overinked newspaper halftone. [ Retrospect eds.: if too many similes, delete some, much as the heartless mother birds of some species allow the weaker chicks to be pushed from the nest by the stronger.] Embracing Genevieve, I was always slightly shocked by how real she was — the bony plates of her back, the muscular volume of her thorax, the ovoid solid of her head with its volatile, vulnerable, avid facial components. We kissed always as if erasing some regret that might otherwise be spoken. We kissed at this moment lightly, since her girls were presumably still awake and watching. We had a third of a bottle of white wine left over from dinner; we took it and the two wineglasses drying in the rack into the bedroom. Since there was no other furniture in the room, we sat together on the bed; since there was no door, we kept our voices low. City lights, including the flickering neon up the street, below sill level, filled the narrow room with swatches of overheard (as it were) luminosity, doubled in complexity by the half-drawn shade.