Steve Toltz - A Fraction of the Whole

Terry and I looked at each other helplessly. There was nothing stopping this eruption of words.

“God, it’s good to see you two boys. You’ve really pumped me full of piss! And vinegar! And just when things were tasting so stale, you’ve given me hope! The organization is in ruins. No one wants new ideas. All they want is more of the same. They’re their own worst enemies. It’s their appetites- insatiable! That leads me to my next tip. Keep your appetites down and you’ll live to be a thousand. Accumulate what you need to be comfortable and then go enjoy life awhile. Blaze like a furnace, then hide your light from the world. Have the strength to smother your own flame. You understand? Retreat and attack! Retreat and attack! That’s the key! And keep your crew small, that’s another tip. Bigger your crew, the more chance one of them will double-cross you and leave you for dead in some shallow ditch. You know why? Because everyone wants to be on top! Everyone! Well, here’s your next lesson: don’t be on top. Be on the side! That’s right. You heard me correctly. Let the others chew through their days charging each other like bulls. You put your heads down and get on with it. There’s nothing, you gorgeous unlawful children, nothing I can tell you more important than what I’ve already said: avoid the treacherous ladder! That’s the best advice I can give you. I wish someone had said as much to me when I was your age. I wouldn’t be in here. If only I’d known it was the ladder that would get me in the end. That ladder has blades for rungs!”

I struggled to keep up. What was I doing talking to this madman when I should be in school?

“Look. Take it from me, don’t make a name for yourself, be as anonymous as possible. Everyone will tell you it’s all about reputation- that’s the trap! Everyone wants to be Capone or Netti or Squizzy Taylor. They want their names to echo through eternity, like Ned Kelly. Well, I’ll tell you, the only way to get your name echoing like that is to be massacred in a hail of bullets. Is that what you want? Of course not. Here’s a new one: are you ready for it? Don’t let the world know who’s boss. That will throw them! They’ll be eating their hearts out. Be a leaderless gang. Give the impression that you belong to a democratic cooperative of crime! That’ll spin their heads. They won’t know who to come gunning for. This is irrefutable advice, boys. Don’t be showy! Be a faceless entity! Hell, be a nonentity. You’ll show those clowns. Let them speculate, but don’t let them know. The paradox of the crime world is that you need a reputation to get things done, but having a reputation gets you killed. But if your reputation is mysterious, if you’re in a secret society, like the Templars…do you know who the Templars were? Of course you don’t. Well-”

“The Templars were an international military order formed in 1118, during the Crusades,” I said.

Harry’s eyes stuck on mine.

“How old are you?”

“Fourteen.”

“A boy with an education! Wonderful! That’s what the criminal class lacks! A bit of goddamn smarts.”

“I’m just here for moral support. Crime is Terry’s thing.”

“Ah, a pity, a pity. Well, you make sure your brother gets educated. We don’t need any more empty heads running around the industry, that’s for sure. Terry, listen to your brother, OK?”

“OK.”

“This is just fine. It’s a good thing you boys came to me. Anyone else would’ve told you a bunch of rehashed crap that would get you dead or in here with me.”

“Time’s up!” a guard shouted from the hallway.

“Well, this looks like the end of class for today. Come back next week and I’ll tell you how to obtain and maintain loyalty from the cops.”

“I said time’s up!” the guard shouted. Now he was standing at the door, blinking irritably.

“OK, boys, you heard the man. Get out of here. Come back, though, I’ve got lots more stuff. And you never know, maybe we can work together one day. Just because I’m in here for life doesn’t mean I won’t be out one day. Life doesn’t really mean life. It’s just a figure of speech. It means an eternity which is actually shorter than life, if you know what I mean.”

Harry was still talking when we were escorted out of the room.

Bruno and Dave thought Harry’s advice was rubbish. An anonymous underworld figure? A democratic cooperative of crime? What was that shit? Of course their names were going to echo through eternity! Infamy was high on their to-do lists. No, the only part of Harry’s monologue appealing to Bruno and Dave was his reference to the accumulation and hiding of guns. “We’re nothing without guns. We need to move up to the next level,” Bruno sang. I shook at the thought of what that level involved, and I didn’t know how to reason with them, particularly because I was the one who had suggested they see Harry. I couldn’t get my brother out of a life of violence either. It was like trying to persuade a short man to be taller. I knew Terry wasn’t cruel, however, only reckless. He wasn’t concerned for his own physical well-being, and he extended that indifference to the bodies of others.

He visited Harry once a month, always alone. As much as he wanted me to, and as much as the inmate’s rants often seemed to make sense, I refused to return to the prison. I thought Harry was a dangerous maniac and/or an unendurable idiot. I could do without listening to him ever again.

That said, about six months after the original visit I went back up to the prison, this time without Terry. Why? Harry had requested my attendance. I reluctantly agreed because Terry had pleaded with me to go, and when Harry limped into the visiting room, I noticed he had fresh cuts and bruises on his face.

“You should see the other guy. He looks pretty good, actually,” Harry said, lowering himself into a chair. He stared at me curiously. I stared back at him impatiently. Our stares were totally different in character.

“Well, Martin, do you know what I see when I look at you? I see a kid who wants to remain hidden. Look. You’ve covered part of your hand with your sleeve. You’re slouching down. Here, I think, is a kid who wishes to be invisible.”

“Is this why you wanted to see me?”

“Terry talks about you a lot. He’s told me everything about you. You’ve started to intrigue me.”

“That’s nice.”

“He told me how you don’t have any friends.”

I didn’t know what to say to that.

“Look at the way you’re scrunching up your face! It’s very slight. Almost nothing. Just in the eyes. You’re judging me, aren’t you? Well, go ahead, my little misanthrope. Fairly obviously I’ve been judged before, judged and tried and sentenced! God, I’ve never met such a disturbed thing in its infancy before. Quite premature, aren’t you?”

“What do you want?” I said. “I already told you I’m not interested in crime.”

“But I’m interested in you. I want to see how you’re managing out there in the big bad world. Certainly not like your brother. He’s a chameleon, remarkably adaptable, and a dog, very loyal, happy as a lark. Wonderful disposition your brother’s got, even though…” Harry leaned forward and said, “There’s something unstable about him. You’ve noticed it, of course.”

I had.

“Not much gets past you, I’ll bet. No, I won’t use that hackneyed phrase that you remind me of myself when I was a boy, because, frankly, you don’t. You remind me of myself now, as a man, in jail, and it’s pretty frightening for me to be able to make that comparison, Martin, don’t you think? Considering, well, you’re just a kid.”

I could see his point, but I pretended I didn’t.