Doris Lessing - The Sweetest Dream

Sylvia was waiting for the reproaches and accusations she could not bear: she knew she would have to run away, but Phyllida said, ‘You must do what you think is best. I know it must be better for you there, with other young people. And your grandmother has taken to you, so I hear.'

'Yes. I love her,' said the girl simply, and then trembled for fear of her mother's jealousy.

' Love is easy enough if you' re rich,’ said Phyllida, but that was the nearest she got to criticism. Her determination to behave well, not let loose the demons that tore and howled inside her, made her slow and apparently stupid. She repeated: ' It's better for you, I know that.’And, 'You must decide for yourself.' As if it had not all been decided long ago. She did not offer the girl tea, or a soft drink, but sat clutching the arms of a chair and staring at her daughter, blinking unevenly, and then, when it was all going to explode out of her, she said hurriedly, ‘You' d better run along, Tilly. Yes, I know you' re Sylvia now but you' re Tilly to me.'

And Sylvia went off, knowing it had been touch and go whether she was screamed at.

Colin returned first: he said it had been great, and that was all he said. He was a good deal in his room, reading.

Sophie came to say she was starting at her acting school, and would make her home her base, because her mother still needed her. 'But please can I come often – I do so love our suppers, Frances, I do so love our evenings. ' Frances reassured her, embraced her and knew from that touch the girl was troubled.

'What's wrong?' she asked. 'Is it Roland? Didn't you have a good time with him?'

Sophie said, not intending to be humorous, ‘I don't think I am old enough for him. '

‘Ah, I see. Did he say that?'

' He said that if I had more experience I’d understand. It'sa funny thing, Frances. Sometimes I feel that he's not there at all – he's with me but... and yet he does love me, Frances, he says he does...’

‘Well, there you are. '

‘We did some lovely things. We walked for miles, we went to the theatre, we joined in with some other people and we had a groovy time.'

Geoffrey was starting at the LSE. He dropped in to say that he felt he was a big boy now and it was time he had his own place. He was going to share with some Americans he had met demonstrating in Georgia; it was a pity Colin was a year younger than he was, or he could come and share too. He said he wanted to come here 'like the old days', he felt leaving this house was more like leaving home than if he was leaving his parents.

Daniel, a year younger than Geoffrey, had another year at school, a year without Geoffrey.

James was going to the LSE.

Jill continued to be the dark horse. She did not return with Rose, who never told them where she had been but who did say that Jill had been in Bristol with a lover. But she said she would be back.

Rose was in the basement and announced that she was going to stick it out at school. No one believed her and they were wrong. In fact she was clever, knew it, and was determined ' to show them'. Show who? Frances would have to be first on that list, but it was all of them really. ‘I’ll show them,’ she muttered, and it was like a mantra repeated when it was time for homework, and when the school's progressiveness seemed less than she had hoped, as when she was asked please not to smoke in class.

Sylvia's determination to do well at school was not only for Julia, but for Andrew too, who continued to be elder-brotherly, affectionate, and kind: when he was there, and not at Cambridge.

Financial problems... when Frances had come to this house the arrangement was that Julia would pay the rates for the whole house, but Frances would be responsible for the rest: gas, electricity, water, telephones. Also for Mrs Philby, and the auxiliary she brought in to help her when ' the kids' got too much. ' Kids?

Pigs, more like it.' Frances also bought food, generally supplied the house with what it needed, and, in short, needed a lot of money. She was earning it. The bill for Cambridge had arrived weeks before, and Julia had paid: she said that Andrew's year off from education had been a great help. The school bill for Sylvia was paid, by Julia. Then came Colin's bill, and Frances took it up to the little table on the landing at the top of the house where Julia's mail was put, with considerable foreboding, which was confirmed when Julia came down with the St Joseph's bill in her hand. Julia was nervous too. Since the barriers between the women had gone down, Julia had been more affectionate with Frances, but also more testy and critical.

'Do sit down, Julia.'

Julia sat, first removing a pair of Frances's tights.

‘Oh, sorry,’ said Frances, and Julia accepted the apology with a tight little smile.

‘What is all this about Colin and psychoanalysis?'

This is what Frances had dreaded: conversations had already taken place between the school and herself and between Colin and herself, and Sophie, too, had been involved. 'Oh, lovely, Colin, that'd be so good.'

' It was described to me by the headmaster as Colin having someone to talk to. '

' They can call it what they like. It would cost thousands, thousands, every year. '

' Look, Julia, I know you don't approve of any of these psycho things. But have you thought, he'll have a man to talk to. Well, I hope it's a man. This is such a female house, and Johnny...’ ' He has a brother, he has Andrew.'

‘But they don't get on. '

' Get on? What's that?’ And now there was a pause, while Julia stretched out and then clenched the fingers that lay on her knees. ‘My older brothers, they quarrelled sometimes. It is normal for brothers to quarrel. '

Now, Frances did know that Julia had had brothers, and that they had been killed in that old war. Julia's painfully working fingers brought them into this room, Julia's past... dead brothers. Julia's eyes had tears in them, Frances could swear, though she sat with her back to the light.

'I said yes to Colin talking to someone because... he's very unhappy, Julia. '

Frances was still not sure whether Colin would say yes. What he had actually said was, ‘Yes, I know, Sam told me. ' The headmaster. ‘I said to him it's my father who should be analysed. ' ' That would be the day, ' Frances had said. He said, ‘Yes, and why not you? I am sure you could do with a good talking to. ' 'Talking with.' 'I don't see that I'm madder than anyone else.' 'I'd agree with that. '

Now Julia got up and said, ‘I think that there are some things we are not likely to agree on. But that is not what I came to say. Even without the stupid analysis I can't pay for Colin. I thought he would be leaving school now, and then I hear he's going on for another year. '

' He agreed to try for the exams again. '

‘But I cannot pay for him and for Andrew, and for Sylvia too. I will see them both through university until they are independent. But Colin – I am not able to do it. And you are earning money now, I hope it will be enough. '

' Don't worry, Julia. I'm so sorry all this has fallen on you. '

‘And I suppose it is no use asking Johnny. He must have money, he's always on some trip somewhere. '

' He gets paid for. '

‘Why is that? Why do they pay for him?'

'Oh, Comrade Johnny, you know. He's a bit of a star, Julia.'

' He's a fool,’ said Johnny's mother. ‘Why is that? I do not think I am a fool. And his father was certainly not a fool. But Johnny is an idiot.' Julia stood by the door, giving an expert glance around the room which had once been her own private little sitting-room. She knew Frances did not care for this furniture -such good furniture; nor the curtains, which would last another fifty years, if properly looked after. Julia suspected the curtains harboured dust and probably moths. The old carpet, which had come from the house in Germany, was threadbare in patches.