Tom Sharpe - Blott on the Landscape

“How do you expect me to do my shopping if I can’t drive in and out?” she demanded.

Blott pointed to the Bentley and the Land-Rover parked beside the two bulldozers on the other side of the suspension bridge.

“Good Lord,” said Lady Maud, “do you mean to say you moved them without my permission?”

“You said you didn’t want to know what I was doing so I didn’t tell you,” Blott told her. Lady Maud had to admit the logic of the answer.

“It’s going to be very inconvenient,” she said. She looked up at the Lodge. Apart from the spikes and the barbed-wire on the roof it looked as it had always looked. “I just hope you know what you’re doing,” she said and made her way through the concrete blocks and across the bridge to her car. She drove into Worford to see Mr Ganglion about Sir Giles’ will. From what she had been able to ascertain she had been left a widow of very considerable means, and Lady Maud intended to put those means to good use.

“A fortune, my dear lady,” said Mr Ganglion, “an absolute fortune even by today’s standards. Properly invested, you should be able to live quite royally.” He looked at her appreciatively. Now that he came to think of it she had every right to live royally. There was that business of Edward the Seventh. “And as a widower myself…” He looked at her even more appreciatively. She might not be to every man’s taste but then he wasn’t up to much himself and he was getting on in years. And ten million pounds in property was an inducement. So too were those photographs of Mr Dundridge.

“I intend to re-marry as soon as possible,” said Lady Maud. “Sir Giles may have left me well provided for but he did not fulfil his proper functions as a husband.”

“Quite so. Quite so,” said Mr Ganglion, his mind busily considering Dundridge’s accusation of blackmail. It might be worth his while to try a little expeditious blackmail himself. He turned to his safe and twiddled the knob.

“Besides, it’s not good for you to have to live alone in that great house,” he continued. “You need company. Someone to look after you.”

“I have already seen to that,” said Lady Maud. “I have invited Mrs Forthby to come up and make it her home.”

“Mrs Forthby? Mrs Forthby? Do I know her?”

“No,” said Lady Maud, “I don’t suppose you do. She was Giles’… er… governess in London.”

“Really?” said Mr Ganglion glancing at her over the top of his glasses. “Now that you come to mention it I did hear something…”

“Well never mind that,” said Lady Maud, “there’s no point in flogging a dead horse. The thing is that from what I have seen of the will he had made no provision for the poor woman. I intend to make good the deficiency.”

“Very generous of you. Magnanimous,” said Mr Ganglion and took an envelope from the safe. “And while we’re on the subject of human frailties, I wonder if you would mind glancing at these photographs and telling me if you have seen them before.” He opened the envelope and spread them out before her. Lady Maud stared at them intently. It was obvious she had seen them before.

“Where did you get those?” she shouted.

“Ah,” said Mr Ganglion, “now I’m afraid that would be telling.”

“Of course it would,” snarled Lady Maud, “what do you think I asked you for?”

“Well,” said Mr Ganglion, putting the photographs back into the envelope, “a certain person, let us say a prospective client, consulted me…”

“Dundridge. I knew it. Dundridge,” said Lady Maud.

“Your guess is as good as mine, my dear Lady Maud,” said Mr Ganglion. “Well, this client did suggest that you had been using these… er… rather revealing pictures to… er… blackmail him.”

“My God,” shouted Lady Maud, “the filthy little beast!”

“Of course I did my best to assure him that such a thing was out of the question. However he remained unconvinced…” But Lady Maud had heard enough. She rose to her feet and seized the envelope. “Now if you feel that we should institute proceedings for slander…”

“Accused me of blackmail? By God I’ll make him regret the day he was born,” Lady Maud snarled and stumped out of the room with the photographs.

Dundridge was in his Mobile HQ drawing up plans for his next move against Handyman Hall when Lady Maud drove up. Now that he was assured that the Ministry would throw their full weight behind his efforts he viewed the future with renewed confidence. He had spoken to the Chief Constable and had demanded full police co-operation should Lady Maud refuse to comply with the order to move out of Handyman Hall and the Chief Constable had reluctantly agreed. He was just giving Hoskins his instructions to move into the Park when Lady Maud stormed through the door.

“You filthy little swine,” she shouted and tossed the photographs on to his desk. “Take a good look at yourself.” Dundridge did. So did Hoskins.

“Well?” continued Lady Maud. “And what have you got to say now?”

Dundridge stared up at her and tried to think of words to match his feelings. It was impossible.

“If you think you can get away with this you’re mistaken,” bawled Lady Maud.

Dundridge clutched the telephone. The filthy bitch had come back to haunt him with those horrible photographs and this time there was no mistaking who was playing the main role in these obscene contortions and this time too Hoskins was present. The look of horror on Hoskins’ face decided him. There was no way of avoiding a scandal. Dundridge dialled the police.

“Don’t think you can wriggle out of this by calling a lawyer,” Lady Maud yelled.

“I’m not,” said Dundridge finding his voice at last, “I am calling the police.”

“The police?” said Lady Maud.

“The police?” whispered Hoskins.

“I intend to have you charged with attempted blackmail,” said Dundridge.

Lady Maud launched herself across the desk at him. “Why, you filthy little bastard,” she screamed. Dundridge lurched off his chair and ran for the door. Lady Maud turned and raced after him. Behind them Hoskins replaced the telephone and picked up the photographs. He went into the lavatory and shut the door. When he came out Dundridge was cowering behind a bulldozer, Lady Maud was being restrained by six bulldozer drivers and the photographs had been reduced to ashes and flushed down the pan. Hoskins sat down and wiped his face with a handkerchief. It had been a near thing.

“Don’t think you’re going to get away with this,” Lady Maud shouted as she was escorted back to her car. “I’ll sue you for slander. I’ll take every penny you’ve got.” She drove away and Dundridge staggered back to the caravan.

“You heard her,” he said to Hoskins slumping into his chair. “You heard her attempt to blackmail me.” He looked around for the photographs.

“I burnt them,” said Hoskins. “I didn’t think you’d want them lying around.”

Dundridge looked at him gratefully. He certainly didn’t want them lying around. On the other hand the evidence of an attempted crime had been destroyed. There was no point in calling in the police now.

“Well at least if she does sue me you were a witness,” he said finally.

“Definitely,” said Hoskins. “But she’ll never dare.”

“I wouldn’t put anything past that bitch,” said Dundridge recovering his confidence now that both Lady Maud and the photographs were out of the way. “But I’ll tell you one thing. We’re going to move into Handyman Hall now. I’ll teach her to threaten me.”

“Without the photographs I’m afraid you would have no case,” said Mr Ganglion when Lady Maud returned to his office.

“But he told you that I was blackmailing him. You told me so yourself,” said Lady Maud.