Tom Sharpe - Blott on the Landscape

Lady Maud gazed at him. “Of course. Oh Blott what would I do without you?” Blott blushed. “But no, that wouldn’t do,” Lady Maud continued. “She would tell him. I’ll have to think of something else.”

Blott went up to his room and went to bed. He was tired and very hungry but these little inconveniences counted for nothing beside the knowledge that Lady Maud was pleased with him. Blott fell asleep blissfully happy.

So did Lady Maud, though her happiness was more practical and centred on the solution to a problem that had been worrying her. Money. The fence for the Wildlife Park was going to cost at least thirty thousand pounds and the animals she had ordered came to another twenty. Fifty thousand pounds was a lot of money to pay to save the Hall and besides there was no guarantee that it would work. If anybody should be paying it was Giles, who was responsible for the whole wretched business. And she had found a way of making him pay. She would ruin him yet.

Next morning at eight o’clock she and Blott were sitting in a taxi at the end of Elm Road. At nine they saw Sir Giles leave. Lady Maud paid the taxi-driver and with Blott at her heels strode down to number six.

“Now remember what to say,” Lady Maud told Blott as she pressed the bell. There was a buzz.

“Who is it?” Mrs Forthby asked.

“It’s me. I’ve left my car keys,” said Blott in the accents of Sir Giles.

“And I thought I was the forgetful one,” said Mrs Forthby.

The door opened. Blott and Lady Maud went upstairs. Mrs Forthby opened the door of her flat. She was dressed in a housecoat and was holding a yellow duster.

“Good morning,” said Lady Maud and walked past her into the flat.

“But I thought…” Mrs Forthby began.

“Do let me introduce myself,” said Lady Maud. “I am Lady Maud Lynchwood and you must be Mrs Forthby.” She took Mrs Forthby’s hand. “I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. Giles has told me so much about you.”

“Oh dear,” said Mrs Forthby. “How frightfully embarrassing.” Behind her Blott closed the door. Lady Maud took stock of the furniture, including Mrs Forthby in the process, and then sat down in an armchair.

“Quite the little love nest,” she said finally. Mrs Forthby stood plumply in front of her wringing the duster.

“Oh this is awful,” she said, “simply awful.”

“Nonsense. It’s nothing of the sort. And do stop twisting that duster. You make me nervous.”

“I’m so sorry,” said Mrs Forthby. “It’s just that I feel… well… just that I owe you an apology.”

“An apology? What on earth for?” said Lady Maud.

“Well… you know…” Mrs Forthby shook her head helplessly.

“If you imagine for one moment that I have anything against you, you’re mightily mistaken. As far as I am concerned you have been a positive godsend.”

“A godsend?” Mrs Forthby mumbled and sat down on the sofa.

“Of course,” said Lady Maud. “I have always found my husband a positively disgusting man with the very vilest of personal habits. The fact that you appear to be prepared, presumably out of the goodness of your heart, to satisfy his obscene requirements leaves me very much in your debt.”

“It does?” said Mrs Forthby, her world being stood on its head by this extraordinary woman who sat in her armchair and addressed her in her own flat as if she were a servant.

“Very much so,” Lady Maud continued. “And where do these absurdities take place? In the bedroom I suppose.” Mrs Forthby nodded. “Blott, have a look in the bedroom.”

“Yes, ma’am,” said Blott and went through first one door and then another. Mrs Forthby sat and stared at Lady Maud, hypnotized.

“Now then, you and I are going to have a little chat,” Lady Maud continued. “You seem to be a sensible sort of woman with a head on your shoulders. I’m sure we can come to some mutually advantageous arrangement.”

“Arrangement?”

“Yes,” said Lady Maud, “arrangement. Tell me, have you ever been a co-respondent in a divorce case?”

“No, never,” said Mrs Forthby.

“Well my dear,” Lady Maud went on, “unless you are prepared to do exactly what I tell you down to the finest detail I’m afraid you are going to find yourself involved in quite the most sordid divorce case this country has seen for a very long time.”

“Oh dear,” Mrs Forthby whimpered, “how simply awful. What would Cedric think of me?”

“Cedric?”

“My first husband. My late husband I should say. The poor dear would be absolutely furious. He’d never speak to me again. He was very particular, you know. Doctors have to be.”

“Well, we wouldn’t want to upset Cedric, would we?” said Lady Maud. “And there will be absolutely no need to if you do what I say. First of all I want you to tell me what Giles likes you to do.”

“Well…” Mrs Forthby began only to be interrupted by Blott who emerged from the bedroom with the Miss Dracula, the Cruel Mistress, costume.

“I found this,” he announced.

“Oh dear, how frightfully embarrassing,” said Mrs Forthby.

“Not half as embarrassing, my dear, as it will be when we produce that in court as an exhibit. Now then, the details.”

Mrs Forthby got up. “It’s all written down,” she said. “He writes it all down for me. You see I’m terribly forgetful and I do tend to get things wrong. I’ll get you the game plan.” She went through to the bedroom and returned with a notebook. “It’s all there.”

Lady Maud took the book and studied a page. “And what were you last night?” she asked finally. “Miss Catheter, the Wicked Nurse, or Sister Florinda, the Nymphomaniac Nun?”

Mrs Forthby blushed? “Doris, the Schoolgirl Sexpot,” she tittered.

Lady Maud looked at her doubtfully. “My husband must have a truly remarkable imagination,” she said, “but I find his literary style rather limited. And what are you going to be tonight?”

“Oh he doesn’t come tonight. He’s had to go to Plymouth for a business conference. He’s coming again the day after tomorrow. That’s Nanny Whip’s night.”

Lady Maud put the book down. “Now then, this is the arrangement,” she said. “In return for your co-operation I will settle for a divorce on the grounds of incompatibility. There will be no mention of you at all and Sir Giles need know nothing about the help you have given me. All I want you to do is to go out for a little while on Thursday night so that I can have a little chat with him.”

Mrs Forthby hesitated. “He’ll be awfully cross,” she said.

“With me,” Lady Maud assured her. “I don’t think he’ll worry about you by the time I’ve had my say. He’ll have other things on his mind.”

“You won’t do anything nasty to him, will you?” said Mrs Forthby. “I wouldn’t want him to be hurt or anything. I know he’s not very nice but I’m really quite fond of him.”

“I won’t touch him,” Lady Maud said. “I give you my word of honour I won’t so much as lift a little finger to him. And let me say I think your feelings do you great credit.”

Mrs Forthby began to weep. “You’re very kind,” she said.

Lady Maud stood up. “Not at all,” she said truthfully. “And now if you’ll be so good as to give me the key of the flat I’ll send Blott to get a duplicate cut.”

By the time they left the flat Mrs Forthby was feeling better. “It’s been so nice meeting you and getting things straightened out,” she said. “It’s taken a great weight off my mind. I do hate deception so.”

“Quite,” said Lady Maud. “Unfortunately men seem to live in a fantasy world and as the weaker sex we have to follow suit.”

“That’s what I keep telling myself,” Mrs Forthby said. “Felicia, I say, you may find it peculiar but if it makes him happy you can’t afford to be choosey.”