Barbara Bradford - A Woman of Substance

Very quietly Emma whispered into his hair, ‘We have to stop this, David. It’s getting worse every time, and it’s not fair to you. We must not let the situation get out of hand.’ She pushed him away from her with the utmost gentleness and sat up, dizzy and shaking.

David leaned back against the sofa and picked up a strand of her hair. He kissed it and then let it fall. He half smiled. ‘Emma, I love you so much. Don’t be afraid of me. I won’t hurt you. Ever.’

Emma flinched at this deadly echo from the past. ‘I’m not afraid of you, David,’ she answered quietly. ‘I’m afraid of myself when I’m with you like this and what might happen when we get so-so-’

‘Please don’t.’ He placed a finger on her lips ‘I agree with you. We can’t go on like this. It’s insanity. But we must be together, Emma. I can’t bear this torment for much longer.’ He grasped her hand, his face earnest. ‘Marry me, Emma. As soon as possible,’ he implored. ‘We must get married, you know that.’

‘Married!’ she cried.

David smiled. ‘Yes, married. Don’t sound so shocked. I’ve wanted to marry you for the last few years. I’ve only held myself in check because of your circumstances.’ He chuckled. ‘Did you think I had dishonourable intentions, Emma? I would never attempt to compromise you. I love you far too much-’ David stopped abruptly, staring at her, his eyes wide with surprise. ‘Emma, what’s wrong? You’re as white as a sheet!’

‘I cannot marry you, David,’ Emma said in a low strangled voice.

‘But why not? Don’t be ridiculous!’ He actually laughed, so disbelieving was he of her words. ‘I told you I love you and I know you love me. It’s the most natural outcome, isn’t it? For us to get married. That’s what people do when they love each other, Emma.’

Emma stood up unsteadily and moved across the floor. She looked out of the window and her eyes filled with tears. She discovered she was unable to answer him.

David gaped at her stiff back, her tensely set shoulders, baffled by her behaviour. ‘What is it, Emma? For God’s sake answer me!’ he demanded.

‘I cannot marry you, David. Please, let’s leave it at that,’ Emma said blinking back her tears.

‘Of course you can!’ David asserted fiercely. ‘There is nothing to stop you now. Your husband is dead. You are free.’ David paused, and when he spoke again it was with quiet intensity. ‘Emma, I love you more than anyone or anything on this earth. I want to cherish and protect you with my life, for the rest of my life. We belong together, Emma. I know that deep in my heart. And so do you. There is something very special between us-an unbreakable bond.’ Still she did not respond and another thought occurred to David. ‘Is it because of Edwina?’ he asked quickly. ‘You don’t have to worry about her. I’m not afraid of responsibility. I will adopt her, Emma, and the three of us can live together. We’ll be happy and I-’

‘It’s not because of Edwina.’

‘Then give me a good reason why you won’t marry me!’ he commanded, his face pale and washed with anxiety.

‘David, I cannot marry you because your mother would never accept me. She would never approve of you marrying out of the faith. Surely I don’t have to point that out to you. She wants you to marry a Jewish girl who will give her Jewish grandchildren-’

‘To hell with all that!’ David interrupted, his voice rising angrily. ‘I don’t care what my mother wants, Emma. I want you for my wife and that’s all that counts.’

‘I can’t hurt your mother,’ Emma whispered. ‘She’s been wonderful to me, almost like a second mother. I love her and I won’t betray her. You’re her eldest son, David. It would kill her if we married. I admit she’s very fond of me, but it would not be quite the same thing-welcoming me as a daughter-in-law. Me a Gentile and she so Orthodox. Please listen to what I say, David. It’s the truth and you must face it.’

David leaned forward on the sofa, his hands tightly clenched. ‘I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you do not love me, Emma. Turn around and tell me that.’

‘I can’t,’ Emma said quietly.

‘Why not?’ he shouted, his voice breaking.

‘Because I do love you, David. Just as much as you love me.’ Emma swung around slowly and crossed the floor. She knelt down at his feet and stared up into his face. She touched it fleetingly.

He clasped her tightly in his arms, smoothing her hair, kissing her tear-stained cheeks. ‘Then that’s all that matters, my darling. That’s all that matters.’

‘No, David.’ Emma pulled away and rose, seating herself next to him. ‘Other things matter in life. I am not going to be responsible for creating heartache and pain for your parents. I will not divide your family. They have been too good to me. Besides, I couldn’t live with myself.’ She searched his obdurate face. ‘David, don’t you understand that it’s not possible to build happiness on other people’s misery? It might be all right at first, if we did marry, but eventually their anguish and disappointment would come between us. It would chip away at what we have, and finally destroy it.’

David had been staring at her capable little hand clasping his tightly. It was so small and curiously defenceless. At last he raised his eyes and saw the candour in her green gaze and he knew she had meant every word. But he could not prevent himself from crying, ‘Are you trying to tell me that you are willing to sacrifice our happiness, mine and yours, just because of some religious beliefs that are not only outdated but utterly ridiculous! I can’t believe it. Not you. Not my Emma. The stalwart Emma who would fight the world for anything she wanted!’

‘Yes, I suppose I am. But it’s not really like that, David. Please, try and understand-’ She broke off. She had hurt him profoundly and she could not bear it.

David extracted his hand from hers and moved it across his face. He felt horribly faint to a point of nausea and an intolerable pain moved across his chest. It seemed that his life was draining away. It was as if someone had suddenly snatched his hopes and dreams and the promise of the future from his grasp. But he knew what Emma said was indeed true. He knew, too, that she would not change her mind, just as his mother would not.

David leapt up and paced in front of the fire. Finally, after a few minutes, he stopped and turned to Emma, staring at her. ‘Is that your last word?’ he asked so quietly she could scarcely hear him.

‘Yes, David. I’m sorry, but I can’t destroy your mother.’

‘I understand, Emma. You must excuse me. I have to leave. Sorry about the dinner, but I seem to have lost my appetite.’ He strode out before she could see the tears swimming in his eyes.

Emma stood up swiftly. ‘David! Wait! Please wait!’ The door slammed behind him and she was alone. She gazed at the door for a long moment and then picked up the sketches and placed them in the cupboard. Vaguely she thought of the dinner spoiling in the oven, but such intense feelings of dejection and misery overcame her she did not have the strength to remove the food. Her thoughts centred on David and not on herself, for unconsciously she had always known their relationship was doomed. They could be friends and business partners, but that was all. She had spent enough time with Janessa Kallinski to understand that David’s mother would not tolerate anything else. Emma sat for a long time looking into the empty room and David’s face swam before her. She would never forget that awful look of hurt on his face as long as she lived.

About an hour later Emma was roused from her stupor by a loud banging on the door. David had come back! She flew out into the small hallway, her heart leaping, his name on her lips. She flung open the door with eagerness and found herself staring into the bulbous face of Gerald Fairley.