Tatsuhiko Takimoto - Welcome to the NHK!

As Bis always lonely, basically, Aalways will be at B's side.

If we do this, I think our lives probably will move in a good direction.

I think the painful times will go away.

If you break this contract, the penalty is ten million yen.

“Hey! Aren’t you lonely?” Misaki called out.

Turning around, I answered in a loud voice, “No, I’m not lonely.”

“Well, I’m lonely!”

“I’m not.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying”, I said. “I’m the strongest hikikomori in the world, so I can go on living by myself. Pain doesn’t mean anything to me. Misaki, you, should stop relying on other people, too. In the end, everyone is alone. Being alone is best. I mean, it’s true, isn’t it? In the end, you’ll be absolutely alone; therefore, being alone is natural. If you accept that, nothing bad can happen. That’s why I shut myself away in my six-mat, one-room apartment.”

“Aren’t you lonely?”

“I’m not lonely.”

“Aren’t you lonely ?”

“I’m not lonely.”

“Liar.” Someone spoke in a low, muffled voice.

I turned around to look behind me.

I found myself standing in the middle of my six-mat, one-room apartment. In the corner, I sat hugging my legs to my chest, melting into the deep darkness.

It was night, and I couldn’t see, hear, or do anything. Despite the fact that it was summer, this six-mat, one-room apartment, devoid of furniture or anything else, was cold. A dark and terrible chill filled the isolated space. I held my head and trembled.

I said, “I’m lonely.”

“I’m not lonely.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying.”

“I’m so lonely.”

“I am lonely!”

The quivering, shaking, shivering me was clack-clack-clacking his teeth. The me standing in the middle of the room watched this. I thought I’d gone crazy. But I wasn’t crazy.

There were only two things that I understood: I was alone, and I was incredibly lonely. I didn’t want to be in this state. I didn’t want to be lonely.

“Anyway”, I screamed, “that’s why!”

I kept shouting, “Being lonely is natural! Of course, I hate being lonely! That’s exactly why I shut myself off from the world, why I lock myself away. Thinking about it for the long term, this is the best solution. You understand, right? Hey! You understand me, right?”

There was no answer.

“Don’t you understand? Listen carefully to what I’m saying. If you do, you’ll get it. You can grasp this easily. In short… in short, I shut myself in because I’m lonely. Because I don’t want to face any more loneliness, I shut myself away. Hey, do you understand? That’s the answer!”

There was no reply.

“I’m greedier than anyone. I don’t want some half-assed happiness. I don’t need some partial warmth. I want a happiness that goes on forever. That’s impossible, though! I don’t know why it is, but in this world, some interference is sure to come. Important things break right away. I’ve been alive for twenty-two years, and I know at least this much. It doesn’t matter what the thing is, but it will break. That’s why, from the beginning, it’s better not to need anything.”

That’s right! You should learn this truth, too, Misaki. If you do, you won’t come up with more ridiculous plans. You’ll stop looking to people like me for help.

She was terribly stupid. She was clinging to a horrifyingly enormous despair. I was appalled by the loneliness that caused her to seek help from a piece of human trash like me. I cursed the misfortune that had fallen upon her. I cursed the unreasonable fact that children couldn’t choose their parents. I wanted a cheerful girl like her to live a strong, healthy life.

Please, do your best, somewhere. I’m all right. I’ll be fine on my own. It’s best for me to be alone. I’ll live alone and die alone.

Even still, I had hope. I had hope….

Look, just over there — it’s shining, pale, and gentle.

It was my hometown, the one that drew forth nostalgic, bittersweet tears. Autumn plains that continued forever. Memories from long ago. The eternally fleeting glances from giggling little girls. The peace of the black cat, hit by a car. There was no longer anything painful or difficult anywhere. I was fine now.

“That’s right. You are now”, said a little girl.

The life-sized anime doll, which Yamazaki had left behind as a present, stared at me. She was an angel. She started to move, and she guided me forward.

We traveled to a faraway planet. It was beautiful: a blue sky with white clouds, the cool wind blowing across a spring field that stretched into the distance. We stood in the middle of the field, and the girl picked one pure white flower and held it up in front of me. With her slender fingers, she grasped a petal and pulled it out. “Life.”

Then, she pulled out another petal. “Death.”

She was telling a flower fortune.

“Life … Death … Life … Death … Life … Death … Life … Death.”

The last petal fluttered to the ground.

The girl smiled gently.

Summer ended. I’d depleted my living expenses. I had no money left for food, so I decided to try sleeping to conserve energy. I would be awake for five hours, and then I’d sleep for fifteen. I tried living on that schedule.

For the first three days, I didn’t really have any problem fasting. At worst, my stomach hurt a little bit. By the time the fourth day rolled around, though, I couldn’t think of anything but food. I want to eat ramen. I want to eat curry and rice. Regardless of my will, my body seriously wanted calories. This craving was impossible to fight.

Finally, on the fifth day of fasting, I left the apartment. Spending my last few hundred yen to buy a pastry and another part-time job magazine, I decided to start doing physical work that very day.

Physical day labor… I mastered the work surprisingly easily, bringing supplies into event halls, helping with moving and the like. Once in a while, I made a mistake and got punched by one of the higher-ups; even so, the work was refreshing. The rougher I treated my body, the more and more empty my head became. For the first time in several years, I could go to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed.

Given all my credit card debt, I worked night and day for the first month. After registering with a temporary agency, I was able to get daily work. Once I’d accumulated a degree of wiggle room in my savings, I immediately reduced the amount of work I was doing. I decided to work for about half a month at a time, then staying holed up for the second half. As long as I could make about one hundred thousand yen a month, I could actually maintain a rather pleasant life.

Whenever possible, I tried to work nights. Nighttime traffic control was the best job. To be a security guard, you needed to get registered by taking a four-day legal training course; once you finished that, however, no other work was easier.

In the middle of the night, I waved the glowing red guide stick back and forth at construction sites far from human habitation. The only thing I could hear all night long was the echo of construction equipment operating behind me. On the nights when I worked as a guard, I was alone. Sometimes a car would pass, but all I had to do was wave the guide stick appropriately and caution, “Look out, slow down.”

Because I almost never needed to speak to others while working, I felt the same as when I holed up in my apartment. I just relied on my conditioned reflexes to wave the guide stick, back and forth, back and forth. The night wind was a bit chilly, but my pay for this was ten thousand yen per night, counting my travel fare.