Tatsuhiko Takimoto - Welcome to the NHK!

“Not really. I trouble people all the time.”

“Trouble?”

“You know—how to phrase it? I disturb the atmosphere. Well, my presence there depresses a lot of other people. Actually, it would be best if I weren’t anywhere.”

“You could just leave the group.”

“I can’t. I have to do something to repay my aunt.”

“Misaki, you don’t really believe in God, do you?”

Misaki put her cup of juice on the table. It made a small clank. “I do think it would be nice if God existed. If I could, I’d like to believe, but it’s rather difficult.”

She sounded disappointed. In a discouraged tone, she gave an abrupt hypothesis. “To start with, if God really existed, He would have to be a terrible villain. Thinking about it comprehensively, I’ve come to that conclusion.”

“Huh?”

“Well, for human beings, the ratio of painful things to enjoyable things has to be about nine to one. One time, I wrote it all down in my notebook and calculated it.” Misaki took out her secret notebook and spread it open on the table.

“See, there’s the pie chart. If you look, you can see clear as day that the happy times—the times when you think, ‘How fun! I’m glad I’m alive!’—don’t make up even one tenth of life. I worked this out properly with a calculator, so there’s no mistake.”

I rather wondered what kind of calculation methods she’d used, but Misaki didn’t show me any other pages. I had no intention of going out of my way to infringe on her privacy further.

Misaki continued, “That’s why. Any God who would purposefully create such a painful world must be a really terrible guy, don’t you think? It’s a logical conclusion, isn’t it?”

“Misaki, didn’t you just say that you wanted to believe in God?”

“Yeah. I do want to believe. I think I wish that God did exist. I mean…”

“You mean?”

“If that type of bad God did exist, then we could go on living in good health. If we could push the responsibility for our misery onto God, then we would have that much more peace of mind, wouldn’t we?”

It was a complicated discussion. I folded my arms and pretended to think deeply about it, but my mind wasn’t working properly.

To begin with, Misaki, how serious about this are you? You’ve been smiling bizarrely for a while now. From start to finish, I felt as though I’d been trapped in a deceptive fog.

In the end, though, her words sounded honest and heartfelt. “If I could believe in God”, she whispered, “I could become happy. God is a bad guy; even so, I know I could become happy.”

“The problem is”, she continued, “the problem is… I have a poor imagination, so I can’t believe in God very easily. Look, couldn’t He create some really showy miracle for me, just like He does in the Bible?”

She was the kind of girl who said these unreasonable things.

After we chatted for about an hour longer, I decided it was about time to leave. When I went to pay, the man behind the register said, “Don’t worry about it. Please, be kind to her.”

I felt that this was a strange thing to say to a guy getting to know a girl Misaki’s age, but the man’s weary expression was strangely compelling. I bowed my head slightly and hurried for home.

Back at my apartment, I was incredibly surprised.

In the middle of my room, a life-sized, mannequin-like doll had been set up. Wobbling with each step, Yamazaki circled the doll.

“Welcome back, Satou! This is our object of worship.”

I was speechless.

“The other day, I heard that a school acquaintance’s older brother had a Ruriruri [26] Ruri Hoshino is a character from Martian Successor Nadesico. life-sized figure he bought a long time ago that he didn’t know what to do with. Right away, I did everything I could to get it! Please, Satou, you worship her, too—this pale, young, little, adorable Ruriruri!”

The doll seemed to be some anime character. Yamazaki was prostrating himself before a life-sized doll that was modeled after a girl in the upper years of elementary school.

Looking around, I saw that the metal tin where we kept our drugs was empty. Yamazaki had finished all the rest.

“Yes, I believe I did use the drugs! I experienced the greatest trip of this century. Yes! This time, I had a real epiphany. Indeed, Satou, I’ve seen the very structure of this world.” After rubbing his forehead at the feet of the doll, Yamazaki suddenly stood up and faced me.

“I just kept thinking and thinking, ‘what are we missing?’ There’s something missing from us. There’s a big hole in our chests, so I wanted something to fill that hole. I wanted something to make me content. That’s it. Yesterday, our religious observation reinforced my meditation on the subject. Everyone is uncertain. In this incomprehensible world, we want to be ordered around by someone else, and that’s why we made God. The dual antagonism between God and Satan explains the world more easily. You see? That strong, simple story! I honestly was affected!

“Unfortunately, that God isn’t suited for us because that God is incredibly frightening. As you can see from the illustrations in ‘Awaken!’—he is incredibly realistic and not at all cute.” Yamazaki picked up the pamphlet lying in the corner of the room and held it out to me.

“Please, look at the special feature for June, ‘Guardian Angels: They Are Always Protecting You.’ In their religion, angels look like this.” Yamazaki had opened to a page featuring a realistic illustration of a muscular man with wings on his back.

Yamazaki ripped the pamphlet into pieces. “I don’t need an angel like this!” he screamed. “What is he, some kind of bodybuilder? When you say ‘angel’, I think of something more, you know, beautiful and moe moe and loli loli…”

Many, many memories of erotic games where an angelic girl appeared as the heroine flashed through my mind.

“That’s right! Don’t you see, Satou? Now is the exact time for religious reform!”

I was still speechless.

“Our object of worship is this Ruriruri doll! And I am the founder of the sect!”

I gently tapped Yamazaki on the shoulder.

Shaking off my hand, Yamazaki continued ranting. “Those who believe will be saved! We must make something we ourselves can believe in order to bring meaning to our lives! And the meaning will be how we live on with our incredible new religion!”

Stalking around and around the room, he raised his fists, howling. He was screaming about anything that came to mind.

Eventually, Yamazaki ended up clinging pathetically to the life-sized doll. “I can’t keep living like this”, he whispered. His eyes were open wide.

I made him some hot coffee. Yamazaki drank his coffee, tears in his eyes.

I, too, felt like crying.

“By the way, Yamazaki, what are you going to do with this doll?”

“I’m giving it to you, Satou. Do whatever you want with it.”

To a hikikomori, winter is painful because everything feels cold, frozen over, and lonely. To a hikikomori, spring is also painful because everyone is in a good mood and therefore enviable.

Summer, of course, is especially painful.

It was a summer loud with the sound of cicadas. From morning to night, they kept whining and whining. The summer was also cripplingly hot. Even if the air conditioner ran constantly, it remained hot. I didn’t know if my air conditioner was wearing out or if this summer was just especially hot. Either way, I was thoroughly boiled.

Sometimes, I wanted to yell, “Whoever is responsible, show yourself!” I didn’t even have the energy to do it, though. The summer heat had worn me down completely. My appetite was depressed, and my nerves were exhausted. No matter how much Lipovitan D [27] An energy drink. I swigged, my weariness was impossible to dispel.