Christopher Moore - Lamb - The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

And so the exchange of knowledge began: what I was learning from Kashmir and the Kama Sutra for what Joshua was learning from the holy man Melchior. Each morning, before I went to town and before Joshua went to learn from his guru, we met on the beach and shared ideas and breakfast. Usually some rice and a fresh fish roasted over the fire. We’d gone long enough without eating animal flesh, we had decided, despite what Melchior and Gaspar tried to teach us.

“This ability to increase the bounty of food—imagine what we can do for the people of Israel, of the world.”

“Yes, Josh, for it is written: ‘Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, but teach a man to be a fish and his friends eat for a week.’”

“That is not written. Where is that written?”

“Amphibians five-seven.”

“There’s no friggin’ Amphibians in the Bible.”

“Plague of frogs. Ha! Gotcha!”

“How long’s it been since you had a beating?”

“Please. You can’t hit anyone, you have to be at total peace with all creation so you can find Sparky the Wonder Spirit.”

“The Divine Spark.”

“Whatever, th—ouch. Oh great, and what am I supposed to do, hit the Messiah back?”

“Turn the other cheek. Go ahead, turn it.”

As I said, thus did the enlightened exchange of sacred and ancient teachings begin:

The Kama Sutra sayeth:

When a woman winds her small toes into the armpit hair of the man, and the man hops upon one foot, while supporting the woman on his lingam and a butter churn, then the achieved position is called “Rhinoceros Balancing a Jelly Donut.”

“What’s a jelly donut?” Joshua asked.

“I don’t know. It’s a Vedic term lost to antiquity, but it is said to have had great significance to the keepers of the law.”

“Oh.”

The Katha Upanishad sayeth:

Beyond the senses are the objects,

and beyond the objects is the mind.

Beyond the mind is pure reason,

and beyond reason is the Spirit in man.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You have to think about it, but it means that there’s something eternal in everyone.”

“That’s swell. What’s with the guys on the bed of nails?”

“A yogi must leave his body if he is going to experience the spiritual.”

“So he leaves through the little holes in his back?”

“Let’s start again.”

The Kama Sutra sayeth:

When a man applies wax from the carnuba bean to a woman’s yoni and buffs it with a lint-free cloth or a papyrus towel until a mirror shine is achieved, then it is called Readying the Mongoose for Trade-in.”

“Look, she sells me pieces of sheepskin parchment, and each time, after we’re finished, I’m allowed to copy the drawings. I’m going to tie them all together and make my own codex.”

“You did that? That looks like it hurts.”

“This from a guy I had to break out of a wine jar with a hammer yesterday.”

“Yeah, well, it wouldn’t have happened if I’d remembered to grease my shoulders like Melchior taught me.” Joshua turned the drawing to get a different angle on it. “You’re sure this doesn’t hurt?”

“No, not if you keep your bottom away from the incense burners.”

“No, I mean her.”

“Oh, her. Well, who knows? I’ll ask her.”

The Bhagavad Gita sayeth:

I am impartial to all creatures,

and no one is hateful or dear to me,

but men devoted to me are in me,

and I am in them.

“What’s the Bhagavad Gita?”

“It’s like a long poem in which the god Krishna advises the warrior Arjuna as he drives his chariot into battle.”

“Really, what’s he advise him?”

“He advises him not to feel bad about killing the enemy, because they are essentially already dead.”

“You know what I’d advise him if I was a god? I’d advise him to get someone else to drive his friggin’ chariot. The real God wouldn’t be caught dead driving a chariot.”

“Well, you have to look at it as a parable, otherwise it sort of reeks of false gods.”

“Our people don’t have good luck with false gods, Josh. They’re—I don’t know—frowned upon. We get killed and enslaved when we mess with them.”

“I’ll be careful.”

The Kama Sutra sayeth:

When a woman props herself up on the table and inhales the steam of the eucalyptus tea, while gargling a mixture of lemon, water, and honey, and the man takes the woman by the ears, and enters her from behind, while looking out the window at the girl across the street hanging out her laundry to dry, then the position is called “Distracted Tiger Hacking Up a Fur Ball.”

“I couldn’t find that one in the book, so she dictated it to me from memory.”

“Kashmir’s quite the scholar.”

“She had the sniffles, but agreed to my lesson anyway. I think she’s falling for me.”

“How could she not, you’re a very charming fellow.”

“Why, thank you, Josh.”

“You’re welcome, Biff.”

“Okay, tell me about your little yoga thing.”

The Bhagavad Gita sayeth:

Just as the wide-moving wind

is constantly present in space,

so all creatures exist in me.

Understand it to be so!

“Is that the kind of advice you’d give someone who’s riding into battle? You’d think Krishna would be saying stuff like, ‘Look out, an arrow! Duck!’”

“You’d think,” Joshua sighed.

The Kama Sutra sayeth:

The position of “Rampant Monkey Collecting Coconuts” is achieved when a woman hooks her fingers into the man’s nostrils and performs a hokey-pokey motion with her hips and the man, while firmly stroking the woman’s uvula with his thumbs, swings his lingam around her yoni in a direction counter to that in which water swirls down a drain. (Water has been observed swirling down the drain in different directions in different places. This is a mystery, but a good rule of thumb for achieving Rampant Monkey is to just go in the direction counter to which your own personal drain swirls.)

“Your drawings are getting better,” Joshua said. “In the first one I thought she had a tail.”

“I’m using the calligraphy techniques we learned in the monastery, only using them to draw figures. Josh, are you sure it doesn’t bother you, talking about this stuff when you’ll never be allowed to do it?”

“No, it’s interesting. It doesn’t bother you when I talk about heaven, does it?”

“Should it?”

“Look, a seagull!”

The Katha Upanishad sayeth:

For a man who has known him,

the light of truth shines.

For one who has not known, there is darkness.

The wise who have seen him in every being

on leaving this life, attain life immortal.

“That’s what you’re looking for, huh, the Divine Spark thing?”

“It’s not for me, Biff.”

“Josh, I’m not a satchel of sand here. I didn’t spend all of my time studying and meditating without getting some glimpse of the eternal.”

“That’s good to know.”

“Of course it helps when angels show up and you do miracles and stuff too.”

“Well, yes, I guess it would.”

“But that’s not a bad thing. We can use that when we get home.”

“You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?”

“Not a clue.”

Our training went on for two years before I saw the sign that called us home. Life was slow, but pleasant there by the sea. Joshua became more efficient at multiplying food, and while he insisted on living an austere lifestyle so he could remain unattached to the material world, I was able to get a little money ahead. In addition to paying for my lessons, I was able to decorate my nook (just some erotic drawings, curtains, some silk cushions) and buy a few personal items such as a new satchel, an ink stone and a set of brushes, and an elephant.