Christopher Moore - Lamb - The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

Joy and I huddled on the landing over the cliff face, looking for any purchase, any handhold that would get us away from the beast: up, down, or sideways across the cliff face. The fear of heights had suddenly become very minor.

I was beginning to be able to feel the breeze from the monster’s talons as he lunged into the narrow opening at us when I heard Balthasar’s deep bass shout from behind the beast. The monster filled the whole opening so I couldn’t see behind it, but he turned around and his spade-tipped tail whipped around us, nearly lacerating our skin as it passed. Joy drew the glass knife from her robe and slashed at the tail, nicking the scales but apparently not causing the monster enough trouble to turn around.

“Balthasar will tame you, you son of a shit-eating lizard!” Joy screamed.

Just then something came shooting through the opening and we ducked out of the way as it sailed into space and fell out of sight to the canyon floor, screeching like a falcon on the dive.

“What was that?” Joy was trying to squint into infinity to see what the monster had thrown.

“That was Balthasar,” I said.

“Oops,” said Joy.

Joshua yanked the great spade-tipped tail and the demon swung around with a ferocious snarl. Joshua held on to the tail even as the demon’s claws whistled by his face.

“What is your name, demon?” Joshua said.

“You won’t live long enough to say it,” said the demon. He raised his claw again to strike.

Joshua yanked his tail and the demon froze. “No. That’s not right. What is your name?”

“My name is Catch,” said the demon, dropping his arm to his side in surrender. “I know you. You’re the kid, aren’t you? They used to talk about you in the old days.”

“Time for you to go home,” Joshua said.

“Can’t I eat those two outside on the ledge first?”

“No. Satan awaits you.”

“They are really irritating. She peed on me.”

“No.”

“I’d be doing you a favor.”

“You don’t want to hurt them now, do you?”

The demon laid his ears back and bowed his enormous head. “No. I don’t want to hurt them.”

“You’re not angry anymore,” Joshua said.

The monster shook his head, he was already bent nearly double in the narrow passage, but now he prostrated himself before Joshua and covered his eyes with his claws.

“Well, I’m still angry!” Balthasar screamed. Joshua turned to see the old man covered with blood and dirt, his clothes torn from where his broken bones had ripped through them on impact. He was healed now, only minutes after the fall, but not much better for having made the trip.

“You survived that fall?”

“I told you, as long as the demon is on earth, I’m immortal. But that was a first, he’s never been able to hurt me before.”

“He won’t again.”

“You have control over him? Because I don’t.”

Joshua turned around and put his hand on the demon’s head. “This evil creature once beheld the face of God. This monster once served in heaven, obtained beauty, lived in grace, walked in light. Now he is the instrument of suffering. He is hideous of aspect and twisted in nature.”

“Hey, watch it,” said the demon.

“What I was going to say is that you can’t blame him for what he is. He has never had what you or any other human has had. He has never had free will.”

“That is so sad,” said the demon.

“One moment, Catch, I will let you taste that which you have never known. For one moment I will grant you free will.”

The demon sobbed. Joshua took his hand from the demon’s head, then dropped his tail and walked out of the narrow passageway into the fortress hall.

Balthasar stood beside him, waiting for the demon to emerge from the passageway.

“Are you really able to do that? Give him free will?”

“We’ll see, won’t we?”

Catch crawled out of the passageway and stood up, now just ducking his head. Great viscous tears rolled down his scaled cheeks, over his jaws, and dripped to the stone floor, where they sizzled like acid. “Thank you,” he growled.

“Free will,” Balthasar said. “How does that make you feel?”

The demon snatched up the old man like a rag doll and tucked him under his arm. “It makes me feel like throwing you off the fucking cliff again.”

“No,” said Joshua. He leapt forward and touched the demon’s chest. In that instant the air popped as the vacuum where the demon had stood was filled. Balthasar fell to the floor and groaned.

“Well, that free will thing wasn’t such a great idea,” said Balthasar.

“Sorry. Compassion got the better of me.”

“I don’t feel well,” the magus said. He sat down hard on the floor and let out a long dry rasp of breath.

Joy and I came out of the passage to find Joshua bent over Balthasar, who was actively aging as we looked on.

“He’s two hundred and sixty years old,” Joshua said. “With Catch gone, his age is catching up.”

The wizard’s skin had gone ashen and the whites of his eyes were yellow. Joy sat on the floor and gently cradled the old man’s head in her lap.

“Where’s the monster?” I asked.

“Back in hell,” Joshua said. “Help me get Balthasar to his bed. I’ll explain later.”

We carried Balthasar to his bedchamber, where Joy tried to pour some broth into him, but he fell asleep with the bowl at his lips.

“Can you help him?” I asked no one in particular.

Joy shook her head. “He’s not sick. He’s just old.”

“It is written, ‘To every thing there is a season,’” Joshua said. “I can’t change the seasons. Balthasar’s time has come round at last.” Then he looked at Joy and raised his eyebrows. “You peed on the demon?”

“He had no right to complain. Before I came here I knew a man in Hunan who’d pay good money for that.”

Balthasar lingered for ten more days, toward the end looking more like a skeleton wrapped in old leather than a man. In his last days he begged Joshua to forgive him his vanity and he called us to his bedside over and over to tell us the same things, as he would forget what he’d told us only a few hours before.

“You will find Gaspar in the Temple of the Celestial Buddha, in the mountains to the east. There is a map in the library. Gaspar will teach you. He is truly a wise man, not a charlatan like me. He will help you become the man you need to be to do what you must do, Joshua. And Biff, well, you might not turn out terrible. It’s cold where you are going. Buy furs along the way, and trade the camels for the woolly ones with two humps.”

“He’s delirious,” I said.

Joy said, “No, there really are woolly camels with two humps.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Joshua,” Balthasar called. “If nothing else, remember the three jewels.” Then the old man closed his eyes and stopped breathing.

“He dead?” I asked.

Joshua put his ear to the old man’s heart. “He’s dead.”

“What was that about three jewels?”

“The three jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. Balthasar said compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership.”

“Sounds wonky,” I said.

“Compassion,” Joshua whispered, nodding toward Joy, who was silently crying over Balthasar.

I put my arm around her shoulders and she turned and sobbed into my chest. “What will I do now? Balthasar is dead. All of my friends are dead. And you two are leaving.”

“Come with us,” Joshua said.

“Uh, sure, come with us.”

But Joy did not come with us. We stayed in Balthasar’s fortress for another six months, waiting for winter to pass before we went into the high mountains to the east. I cleaned the blood from the girls’ quarters while Joy helped Joshua to translate some of Balthasar’s ancient texts. The three of us shared our meals, and occasionally Joy and I would have a tumble for old times’ sake, but it felt as if the life had gone out of the place. When it came time for us to leave, Joy told us of her decision.