Christopher Moore - A Dirty Job

Lily wiped her nose on the sleeve of her chef ’s coat. “Look, Asher—I, uh—I’m going to have to withdraw that offer I made you. I mean, after Ray, I’m not sure I really ever want to do that again. Ever.”

“I wasn’t asking for me, Lily.” Charlie nodded toward the towering Fresh.

“Oh,” Lily said, following his gaze, now wiping her eyes with her sleeves. “Oh. Fuck. Cover for me, I’ve got to regroup.” She dashed into the employee washroom and slammed the door.

Rivera looked at Charlie. “What the hell is going on here?”

Charlie was going to try to come up with some kind of answer when his cell phone rang and he held up his finger to pause time. “Charlie Asher,” he said.

“Charlie, it’s Audrey,” came the whispered voice. “They’re here, right now. The Morrigan are here .”

Charlie parked the van sideways in the street and ran up the steps of the Buddhist center calling her name. The huge front door was hanging askew by one hinge, the glass broken, and every drawer and cabinet had been opened and the contents scattered, every piece of furniture overturned or broken.

“Audrey!”

He heard a voice to the front of the house and ran back out on the porch.

“Audrey?”

“Down here,” she called. “We’re still under the porch.”

Charlie ran down the steps and around to the side of the porch. He could see movement behind the lattice. He found a small gate and opened it. Inside, Audrey was crouched with a half-dozen other people and a whole crowd of the squirrel people. He scrambled into the crawl space and took her in his arms. Charlie had tried to keep her on the line during the drive over, but a few blocks away the battery in his phone had died, and he had tried, for those few terrifying moments, to imagine losing her—his future, his hope—after his hope had just been awakened again. He was so relieved he could barely breathe.

“Are they gone?” Audrey asked.

“Yes, I think so. I’m so glad you’re all right.”

Charlie led them out of the crawl space and back into the house, the squirrel people staying close to the walls and moving quickly so as not to be seen from the street.

Charlie felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to see Irena Posokovanovich smiling at him. He jumped up a couple of steps and screamed. “Don’t shock me again, I’m a good guy.”

“I know that, Mr. Asher. I was wondering if you’d like me to park your van for you before it gets towed away.”

“Oh yes, that would be nice.” He handed her the keys. “Thank you.”

In the house, Audrey said, “She just wants to help.”

“She’s creepy,” Charlie said, but then he caught what he thought was a look of disapproval rising in Audrey’s eyes and he quickly added, “In a completely sweet way, I mean.”

They went directly to the kitchen and stood before the open pantry.

“They got them all,” Audrey said. “That’s why they didn’t hurt us—they weren’t interested in us.”

Charlie was so angry he was having trouble thinking, but without an outlet, he just shook and tried to keep his voice under control. “They just did the same thing at my store. Something did.”

“There must have been three hundred souls in here,” Audrey said.

“They took Rachel’s soul.”

Audrey put her arm around his back, but he couldn’t respond other than to walk out of the kitchen. “That’s it, Audrey. I’m done.”

“What do you mean, you’re done, Charlie? You’re scaring me.”

“Ask your squirrel people where I can get into the storm sewer system. Can they tell you that?”

“Probably. But you can’t do that.”

He wheeled on her and she jumped back.

“I have to do that. Find out, Audrey. Everyone into my van. I want you at my building, where you’ll be safe.”

They were all gathered in Charlie’s living room: Sophie, Audrey, Jane, Cassandra, Lily, Minty Fresh, the undead clients from the Buddhist center, the hellhounds, and fifty or so of the squirrel people. Lily, Jane, and Cassandra were standing on the couch to get away from the squirrel people, who were milling on and around the breakfast bar.

“Nice outfits,” Lily said. “But ewww.”

“Thank you,” Audrey said. Sophie was standing next to Audrey, looking her up and down as if trying to guess her weight.

“I’m a Jewess,” Sophie said. “Are you a Jewess?”

“No, I’m a Buddhist,” Audrey said.

“Is that like a shiksa?”

“Yes, I think it is,” said Audrey. “It’s a type of shiksa.”

“Oh, I guess that’s okay, then. My puppies are shiksas, too. That’s what Mrs. Ling calls them.”

“They’re very impressive puppies, too,” Audrey said.

“They want to eat your little guys, but I won’t let them, okay?”

“Thank you. That would be nice.”

“Unless you’re mean to my daddy. Then they’re toast.”

“Of course,” Audrey said. “Special circumstances.”

“He likes you a lot.”

“I’m glad. I like him a lot.”

“I think you’re probably okay.”

“Well, right back at you,” Audrey said. She smiled at the little brunette with the heartbreaking blue eyes and the attitude, and it was all she could do not to scoop her up and hug the bejeezus out of her.

Charlie jumped up on the couch next to Jane, Cassandra, and Lily, and then realized as he looked across the room at Minty Fresh that he still didn’t stand taller than the Death Merchant, which was a little unnerving. (Minty seemed focused on Lily, which was also a little unnerving.)

“You guys, I’m going to go do something, and I might not come back. Jane, that letter I sent you has all the papers making you Sophie’s legal guardian.”

“I’m out of here,” Lily said.

“No,” Charlie said, catching her by the arm. “I want you here, too. I’m leaving you the business, but with the understanding that a percentage of the profits go to Jane to help with Sophie and will also go into a college fund for her. I know you have your career as a chef, but I trust you and you’re good at the business.”

Lily looked like she wanted to say something sarcastic, but shrugged and said, “Sure. I can run your business and cook, too. You do your Death Merchant thing and raise a daughter.”

“Thanks. Jane, you’ll get the building, of course, but when Sophie grows up, if she wants to stay in the City, you always have to have an apartment for her.”

Jane jumped off the couch. “Charlie, this is crap, I’m not letting you do anything—”

“Please. Jane, I’ve got to go. This is all in writing, I just want you to hear what I wanted in person.”

“Okay,” she said. Charlie hugged his sister, Cassandra, and Lily, then went to the bedroom and gestured for Minty Fresh to follow him.

“Minty, I’m going into the Underworld after the Morrigan—after Rachel’s soul, all the souls. It’s time.”

The big man nodded, gravely. “I’m right there with you.”

“No, you’re not. I need you to stay here and watch over Audrey and Sophie and the others. There are cops outside, but I think their disbelief might make them hesitate if the Morrigan come. You won’t do that.”

Minty shook his head. “What chance do you have down there alone? Let me come with you. We’ll fight this thing together.”

“I don’t think so,” Charlie said. “I’m blessed or something. The prophecy says, ‘The Luminatus will rise and do battle with the Forces of Darkness in the City of Two Bridges.’ It doesn’t say, the Luminatus and his trusty sidekick, Minty Fresh.”

“I am not a sidekick.”

“That’s what I’m saying,” said Charlie, who wasn’t saying that at all. “I’m saying that I have some sort of protection, but you probably don’t. And if I don’t come back, you’ll need to carry on as a Death Merchant in the City—maybe get the scales tipped back for our side.”