Christopher Moore - A Dirty Job

Mrs. Korjev liked the very redness of them. She had always been angry that the Communists had co-opted that color, for otherwise it would have evoked an unbridled happiness in her. Then again, the Russian soul, conditioned by a thousand years of angst, really wasn’t equipped for unbridled happiness, so it was probably for the best.

Mrs. Ling was also taken with the red of the geraniums, for in her cosmology that color represented good fortune, prosperity, and long life. The very gates of the temples were painted that same color red, and so the red flowers represented one of the many paths to wu —eternity, enlightenment—essentially, the universe in a flower. She also thought that they would taste pretty good in soup.

Sophie had only recently discovered color, and the red splashes against the gray shiplap was enough to put a toothless smile on her little face.

So the three were staring into the joy of red flowers when the black bird hit the window, throwing a great spiderweb crack around it. But rather than fall away, the bird seemed to leak into the very crack, and spread, like black ink, across the window and in, onto the walls of the hallway.

And the great powers of Asia fled to the stairway.

Charlie was rubbing his left wrist where the plastic bag had been tied around it. “What, did your mother name you after a mouthwash ad?”

Mr. Fresh, looking somewhat vulnerable for a man of his size, said, “Toothpaste, actually.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know,” Charlie said. “You could have changed it, right?”

“Mr. Asher, you can resist who you are for only so long. Finally you decide to just go with fate. For me that has involved being black, being seven feet tall—yet not in the NBA—being named Minty Fresh, and being recruited as a Death Merchant.” He raised an eyebrow as if accusing Charlie. “I have learned to accept and embrace all of those things.”

“I thought you were going to say gay,” Charlie said.

“What? A man doesn’t have to be gay to dress in mint green.”

Charlie considered Mr. Fresh’s mint-green suit—made from seersucker and entirely too light for the season—and felt a strange affinity for the refreshingly-named Death Merchant. Although he didn’t know it, Charlie was recognizing the signs of another Beta Male. (Of course there are gay Betas: the Beta Male boyfriend is highly prized in the gay community because you can teach him how to dress yet you can remain relatively certain that he will never develop a fashion sense or be more fabulous than you.) Charlie said, “I suppose you’re right, Mr. Fresh. I’m sorry if I made assumptions. My apologies.”

“That’s okay,” said Mr. Fresh. “But you really should go.”

“No, I still don’t understand, how do I know who the souls go to? I mean, after this happened, there were all kinds of soul vessels in my store I hadn’t even known about. How do I know I didn’t sell them to someone who already had one? What if someone has a set?”

“That can’t happen. At least as far as we know. Look, you’ll just know. Take my word for it. When people are ready to receive the soul, they get it. Have you ever studied any of the Eastern religions?”

“I live in Chinatown,” said Charlie, and although that was technically kinda-sorta true, he knew how to say exactly three things in Mandarin: Good day; light starch, please; and I am an ignorant white devil, all taught to him by Mrs. Ling. He believed the last to translate to “top of the morning to you.”

“Let me rephrase that, then,” said Mr. Fresh. “Have you ever studied any of the Eastern religions?”

“Oh, Eastern religions,” Charlie said, pretending he had just misinterpreted the question before. “Just Discovery Channel stuff—you know, Buddha, Shiva, Gandalf—the biggies.”

“You understand the concept of karma? How unresolved lessons are re-presented to you in another life.”

“Yes, of course. Duh.” Charlie rolled his eyes.

“Well, think of yourself as a soul reassignment agent. We are agents of karma.”

“Secret agents,” Charlie said wistfully.

“Well, I hope it goes without saying,” said Mr. Fresh, “that you can’t tell anyone what you are, so yes, I suppose we are secret agents of karma. We hold a soul until a person is ready to receive it.”

Charlie shook his head as if trying to clear water from his ears. “So if someone walks into my store and buys a soul vessel, until then they’ve been going through life without a soul? That’s awful.”

“Really?” said Minty Fresh. “Do you know if you have a soul?”

“Of course I do.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because I’m me.” Charlie tapped his chest. “Here I am.”

“That’s just a personality,” said Minty, “and barely one. You could be an empty vessel, and you’d never know the difference. You may not have reached a point in life where you are ready to receive your soul.”

“Huh?”

“Your soul may be more evolved than you are right now. If a kid fails tenth grade, do you make him repeat grades K through nine?”

“No, I guess not.”

“No, you just make him start over at the beginning of tenth grade. Well, it’s the same with souls. They only ascend. A person gets a soul when they can carry it to the next level, when they are ready to learn the next lesson.”

“So if I sell one of those glowing objects to someone, they’ve been going through life without a soul?”

“That’s my theory,” said Minty Fresh. “I’ve read a lot on this subject over the years. Texts from every culture and religion, and this explains it better than anything else I can come up with.”

“Then it’s not all in the book you sent.”

“That’s just the practical instructions. There’s no explanations. It’s Dick-and-Jane simple. It says to get a calendar and put it next to your bed and the names will come to you. It doesn’t tell you how you will find them, or what the object is, just that you have to find them. Get a day planner. That’s what I use.”

“But what about the number? When I would find a name written next to the bed, there was always a number next to it.”

Mr. Fresh nodded and grinned a little sheepishly. “That’s how many days you’ll have to retrieve the soul vessel.”

“You mean it’s how long before the person dies? I don’t want to know that.”

“No, not how long before the person dies, how long you have to retrieve the vessel, how many days are left. I’ve been looking at this for a long time, and the number is never above forty-nine. I thought that might be significant, so I started looking for it in literature about death and dying. Forty-nine days just happens to be the number of days of bardo, the term used in the Tibetan Book of the Dead for the transition between life and death. Somehow, we Death Merchants are the medium for moving these souls, but we have to get there within the forty-nine days, that’s my theory, anyway. Don’t be surprised sometimes if the person has been dead for weeks before you get his name. You still have the number of days left in bardo to get the soul vessel.”

“And if I don’t make it in time?” Charlie asked.

Minty Fresh shook his head dolefully. “Shades, ravens, dark shit rising from the Underworld—who knows? Thing is, you have to find it in time. And you will.”

“How, if there’s no address or instructions, like ‘it’s under the mat.’”

“Sometimes—most of the time, in fact—they come to you. Circumstances line up.”

Charlie thought about the stunning redhead bringing him the silver cigarette case. “You said sometimes?”