Cecelia Ahern - There’s No Place Like Here

“Did your brother Donal pass away?”

“No, he didn’t,” Jack said, as though that was ludicrous, “but you would think he had. He’s only missing. Only .” He laughed angrily, rubbing his face tiredly. “I sometimes think it would be easier if I knew he was dead.”

There was a silence and Jack felt the need to fill it again. He thumped his fist against his hand with every point he delivered. “He went missing last year on the night of his twenty-fourth birthday.” Thump . “He took cash out of the ATM on O’Connell Street at three-oh-eight A.M. on Friday night.” Thump. “He was seen on Arthur’s Quay at three thirty A.M.” Thump. “And after that no one saw him again. How can you let that go?” he asked. “How can you decide to keep on living life when your brother is somewhere out there and you don’t know where he is or if he’s hurt and needs you? How the hell is everything supposed to become normal?” He became angry now. “How does anybody expect you to be bothered to do forty hours of pointless work a week, putting cargo on a ship? Boxes I don’t even know what’s in them, and send them to places I’ve never been and never will be in. Why is that more important than finding my brother? How can you not look around you in all directions, trying to find him every time you’re outside? Why is it everywhere I go and everyone I ask that I’m met with the same answers?”

His voice raised even louder now. “Nobody saw anything, nobody heard anything, nobody knows anything. There are five million people in this country, there are one hundred and seventy-five thousand of them living in Limerick, fifty-five thousand of whom are living in Limerick city. How the hell didn’t somebody, even one person, see my brother, somewhere ?” He stopped shouting now, out of breath, his throat sore and his eyes full of tears he was adamant he wouldn’t let fall.

Dr. Burton allowed the silence to lengthen. He allowed Jack to gather himself and his thoughts and ponder all that he had blurted out. He went to the water cooler and returned with a plastic cup for Jack.

Jack sipped the water and thought aloud: “She sleeps a lot you see. The times when I need her, she’s asleep.”

“Gloria?”

Jack nodded.

“Do you have difficulty sleeping?”

“I’ve so much going on in my head, I’ve so many papers to look through and reports to go over. Things people said go through my head over and over again, and I just can’t switch off. I have to find him. It’s like an addiction. It eats away at me.”

Dr. Burton nodded understandingly. Not in a patronizing way that Jack had thought would be the case, but as if he had a real understanding. It was as though Jack’s problem was now their problem, and it was time for them to figure it out together.

“You’re not the only person that feels like this and lives like this, you know, Jack. This is exactly the kind of behavior expected after a trauma such as yours. Were you advised to speak to a counselor after your brother’s disappearance?”

Jack crossed his arms. “Yeah, the guards mentioned something, and every day leaflets and fliers landed on my hall floor about joining groups of other ‘sufferers,’ they called them.” He waved his hand dismissively. “Not interested.”

“It’s not just a waste of time you know. You would realize that there are many people in your position suffering from the same effects of losing someone”-and he said more to himself-“or even suffering from losing things.”

Jack looked at Dr. Burton with confusion, “No, no, you’ve got me wrong, I can deal with losing things , absolutely fine, it’s missing family members that I’ve the problem with. My siblings have lost a brother too, and not one of them feels the way I do. I can’t imagine anything worse than sitting in a group and having the same conversations as I do at home.”

“Gloria seems supportive of you. You should appreciate that. I’m sure it’s been difficult for her to lose Donal, but remember not only has she lost him, she’s lost you. too. Show that you appreciate her. I’m sure that would mean a lot to her.” Real emotion slipped into Dr. Burton’s voice and he stood up and walked over to the other side of the room to get himself a cup of water. When he came back, he was back to his cool self. “Do you love her?”

Jack was silent, then shrugged. He didn’t know anymore.

“My mother used to say listen to what your heart tells you.” Dr. Burton laughed, lightening the mood.

“Was she a psychiatrist. too?” Jack smiled.

“As good as.” Dr. Burton laughed. “You know, you remind me of someone, Jack, someone I know very well.” He smiled lightly, sadly, and then returned to his former self. “So what are you going to do?” He checked his watch. “Bearing in mind we only have a few minutes left to tell me.”

“I’ve already started to do something about it.” Jack suddenly remembered why he was here and saw a way in.

“Talk to me.” Dr. Burton leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs.

“I found someone in the Yellow Pages, an agency, a missing-persons agency,” he stressed.

Dr. Burton didn’t flinch. “Yes?”

“I got in touch with this woman and we spoke at length about her helping me to find Donal. We arranged to meet last Sunday in Limerick.”

“Yes?” He leaned back in his chair, slowly, poker-faced.

“Funny thing is, we passed each other at a gas station on the way and then she never turned up at the meeting point.” He shook his head. “I really believed and still believe this person has the ability to find him.”

“Really?” Dr. Burton’s tone was dry.

“Yes, really. So I started looking for her.”

“The missing-persons person?” he stated, deadpan.

“Yes.”

“And did you find her?”

“No, but I found her car and I found my brother’s files in her car, and her phone, her datebook, her wallet, and a bag full of labeled clothes all with her name on them. She labels everything.”

Dr. Burton began to fidget in his chair.

“I was so worried about her. I am still worried about her because I believe this woman has the ability to find my brother.”

“So you’re fixing your obsession onto this other woman,” Dr. Burton said a bit too coldly.

Jack shook his head. “She said to me on the phone once that the one thing that would be more frustrating than not being able to find someone would be not being found. It’s her wish to be found.”

“Perhaps she just wandered off for a few days.”

“The garda I contacted said the very same thing.” Dr. Burton’s eyebrows rose at the mention of involving the police. “I contacted a lot of people who know her and they also said the same thing.” Jack shrugged.

“Well, then, you should listen to those people. Leave it alone, Jack. Try to concentrate on dealing with your brother’s disappearance before you start worrying about another one. If she’s been gone a few days and hasn’t been in touch, maybe it’s for a reason.”

“I wasn’t bothering her, Doctor, if that’s what you’re implying. There are a few of us that are worried so we’ve arranged to meet up and do something about it.”

“Maybe she does this a lot,” he said. “Maybe there’s nothing at all wrong with her and she’s gone off on her own for a few days.”

“Yeah, maybe. But it’s been four days since I’ve seen her and more days since anybody else has, unless I find somebody that tells me differently. If that’s the case, then I’ll back off and get on with my own life, but I don’t think she’s wandering, as so many people have said.” He spoke gently. “I just would really love to find her, to thank her for the encouragement she’s given me, for the hope of finding Donal that she has helped me to feel. That hope she’s given me has allowed me to realize that I could find her too.”