Audrey Niffenegger: Her Fearful Symmetry

“Sorry. Here it is.” Robert gave Martin a large envelope.

Martin opened it, read the address. “I was close, wasn’t I?”

“Only two streets off. Amazing.”

Martin had the feeling that Robert was waiting for him to leave. “I’d better go. But-thanks.”

“Erm-not at all.”

Martin turned and then said, “Did it work out all right?”

“What’s that?”

“The seance. The matter of life or death.” Martin stood not quite touching the doorknob, thinking about Julia.

“Things derailed a bit, but the end result was-interesting,” Robert said. “By the way, how did you manage to keep Julia upstairs?”

“Duct tape and charisma.” Martin opened the door, stepped into the hallway.

Robert said, “Ring us up sometime. Tell us how it goes.” He smiled more naturally as he shut the door.

Martin glanced at his watch, saw that he should hurry. This propelled him across the hall and out the front door without too much hesitation. Halfway up the garden path he turned and looked back. Julia was watching him from her parlour window. He waved; she waved back. He glanced down at the ground-floor parlour and saw someone- Julia? -sitting in the dim room. Well, it can’t be Julia. How odd. He shook his head, looked up at Julia and smiled. She stood and watched as Martin turned away and walked through the gate, carrying his suitcase lightly. What did he see? Julia wondered.

Elspeth watched Martin disappear through the gate. Goodbye, my friend. She heard Robert come into the room. He stood behind her. “There he goes,” he said quietly.

“It’s quite inspiring, really. He must be terrified.”

“He seemed calm enough. Julia’s been slipping him pills.”

“Ah. I hope they linger in his system long enough to get him to Marijke’s doorstep.”

Robert said, “Martin came to your funeral.”

“Did he? How sweet. And brave.”

“Very brave.”

“Robert. Why only ‘interesting’?” she asked.

“Sorry?”

“You told Martin the end result was ‘interesting.’ Would you rather it was Valentina and not me?”

“I can’t seem to justify sacrificing Valentina to have you.”

With some effort Elspeth turned to face him. “What exactly do you think happened last night?” He was standing near her, but not touching. Robert looked down at her, hesitated before he answered. “I couldn’t see anything until you came into-Valentina’s body. All I know is that you’re here, and she isn’t. What am I supposed to think?”

“She couldn’t do it. She wasn’t strong enough. I could have put her back a few minutes after she died-or she would have had to be a very strong ghost like me, and it took me months to get to the point where I could move a toothbrush, let alone a body.” She put the palm of her hand on her chest. “At first you have to make everything go by pushing and willing it. You have to breathe with lungs that don’t know how to breathe. You have to make the blood move. You have to seal yourself in and become the body. Valentina was just a sort of mist. She hovered over the body and then-dispersed. And I thought, Right, I’ll take it then .”

“But do you think she knew? Do you think she decided not to come back?”

“I don’t know. I don’t remember that phase very well.”

“But the whole thing was a deception, then. It would never have worked. She couldn’t have come back-why didn’t you tell her?”

“How was I supposed to know? It’s not as though we were scientists; we made it up as we went along. She would have killed herself anyway.”

“No…she might have run away. She just wanted to leave Julia-she didn’t want to die.”

“She was in love with you,” Elspeth said. “She was trying to be your ideal girl, and you were in love with a ghost. Now your ghost is alive and Valentina is a ghost.” She paused. “So what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I can’t-Elspeth, right now I just despise myself for having any part in this.”

“Are you going to leave me for your new ghost?”

He turned away from her. They had been speaking very quietly, for fear of Julia’s overhearing them, and somehow this increased the horror he had of her; this whispered argument in the dim parlour suddenly became painfully absurd to him.

“You said you wished I could come back-you wanted me to come back…”

He could not answer.

Julia stood at Robert’s door. I know you’re in there. It was quiet behind the door. She didn’t knock. She stared at the little card that said FANSHAW. What was Martin looking at? She tried to come up with a plausible reason to be standing at Robert’s door. She couldn’t think of a thing. She knocked anyway.

In the parlour Elspeth and Robert were silent, listening. Finally Elspeth looked up at him. He bent to her and she spoke into his ear. “I’ll go out the back door. See what she wants.” Robert helped her to take off her shoes, helped her walk to the back door. She sat down on the fire escape, breathing strenuously with her shoes in her hands.

Robert walked very slowly. He stood at the door for a moment, then unlocked and opened it. Julia stood there. She looked tired and distraught, her dress hanging askew, misbuttoned, her hands clasped in front of her like a penitent.

“Hello, Julia.” I’m sorry, Julia. I’ve killed your sister.

“Hey.” You look really freaked out, Robert.

“Are you okay?” I didn’t mean to kill her. She insisted.

“Can I come in?” What are you hiding?

“Erm, yeah, sure.” It didn’t work out quite the way she thought it would.

Julia walked into Robert’s hallway. She took a few steps and turned back. “Can I look around?”

“Why?”

She didn’t reply, but ran into the front room, stood looking for a moment, raced into the parlour, through the dining room, across the hall and into his bedroom. She stood panting, taking in the candles and roses, spent matches, dishevelled bedclothes. She went into the bathroom and came out holding a comb. Silvery hairs wafted around it like the iridescent tendrils of a deep sea creature.

“This is Valentina’s.”

“Yes.”

“Where is she?”

“Julia…”

“I know, but…something is wrong.” Julia was turning, trying to see, looking for the thing that would explain what was wrong. “I don’t feel like she’s dead.”

Robert nodded. “I know.”

“She’s here.”

“No,” he said. “Julia…I know it’s impossible to believe, but she’s gone.”

“No,” she said. Julia began moving through the flat again. Robert followed her.

“Do you want some breakfast?” he asked. “I have eggs, and orange juice.” She ignored him, kept orbiting through the rooms as though velocity would answer her question. In the dining room she turned on him.

“It’s your fault. You killed her.” This was so much his own feeling that he could not answer. He stood with his hands at his side, ready to accept her verdict. “You…if you hadn’t…You killed Elspeth, and then you killed Valentina.” He saw that she was only trying to hurt him.

“Elspeth died of leukaemia. Valentina had asthma.” How delicately language skirts the issue. How meaningless it is.

“But…I don’t know. Why did she die?”

“I don’t know, Julia.” She stared at him, seemed to be waiting for him to say something more. Suddenly she ran out of the room. Robert heard her slam his front door and run up the stairs.

This is unbearable. He wanted to go to the cemetery, to walk off this sense of things being too real, too wrong. But Elspeth was sitting on the fire escape. He went to collect her. When he opened the door she was huddled on the bottom step looking miserable and boneless. He scooped her up and brought her in without a word. When he had settled her on his bed he sat next to her, facing away. “We have to leave here,” he said.