Audrey Niffenegger - Her Fearful Symmetry

At lunchtime they left the store and went to a Pret; they split a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich and a bag of potato chips. Julia drank a Coke and Valentina had tea. As lunch stretched on in silence, Julia grew more anxious. Finally she said, “What would you like to do next?”

Valentina shrugged. “I don’t know. Go home, I guess.”

“Oh, come on,” Julia wheedled. “It’s such a nice day. Don’t go home yet.”

“Okay.” Valentina’s tone made it clear that she didn’t much care what she did.

“Let’s go for a walk.”

“Okay.”

Back on the street, Julia headed south. She could navigate without consulting the A-Z now, Valentina noticed. Soon they were strolling in St James’s Park. “Let’s watch the ducks,” Valentina said, so they sat on a bench and stared at the ducks for a while.

Julia said, “Why are you so mad at me?”

“You know.”

“No…I don’t get it. We’ve always been together, and we were happy. I mean, we didn’t even think about it, you know? That was just how it was. We wanted the same thing, and we were never going to be apart…remember?”

Valentina shook her head. “That was your thing. Your idea about how we were. We always did what you wanted. You never even noticed, but you got your way all the time . The things I wanted to do, somehow we never got around to doing. Like school. We could have stayed at Cornell, or U of I. We could be done with school now. We could have actual jobs. But you didn’t like it when I tried to do stuff without you, so you left and you dragged me along. You don’t want to do anything with your life, as far as I can tell, so I’m not allowed to have a life either. So what’s the point, Julia? You can’t hang on to me forever.”

“But we’re supposed to be together. I mean, look at Mom and Elspeth. They didn’t want to be apart. Something really huge happened and they had to separate, but they wouldn’t have unless they had to, and they were unhappy about it.”

Valentina said, “They could have gotten back together, but they didn’t. Robert and Elspeth came to America on vacation and they never even went to Chicago because Elspeth didn’t want to. Robert thinks Mom told Elspeth not to be in touch with us.”

“But the point is, they didn’t want to be apart.”

“Who cares about them?” said Valentina. “ I want to go to school. I want to have a boyfriend, I want to get married and have kids. I want to be a designer, I want to live in my own flat by myself, I want to eat a whole sandwich by myself . Not necessarily in that order,” she added.

“You can have all the sandwiches you want,” Julia replied. She meant it as a joke, but Valentina stood up and walked off abruptly. Julia called after her. When Valentina kept walking Julia followed her. Where is she going? Julia worried. She doesn’t have a map, she’ll be totally lost in ten seconds. Valentina left the park, hesitated, turned right and began walking along the Mall. Julia ran to catch up. She saw Valentina glance backwards, then hurry on. When Valentina came to Trafalgar Square she stopped to talk with a Big Issue vendor, who pointed and gestured and seemed to be writing something down for her. She’s trying to find the tube, Julia thought. She waited for Valentina to figure it out. I’ll catch up with her on the train. She won’t be able to get away then. Valentina looked around, did not see Julia, and walked off in the wrong direction. Why aren’t you going to Charing Cross? Julia trailed her along Cockspur Street and up Haymarket. She’s kind of invisible, wearing black. Julia closed some of the distance between them and luckily happened to see Valentina disappear into the Piccadilly Circus tube station. Julia ran after her. She saw Valentina slap her Oyster card on the barrier, pass through and run for the stairs. Julia followed; she took the escalator and got to the bottom before Valentina did. Valentina walked by Julia without a word. Julia walked a few steps behind her, distraught.

Valentina ducked into the platform for the westbound Piccadilly line. Where the hell is she going? Julia stood a couple of feet away and said, “Valentina. This is the wrong train. It’s going to Heathrow Airport.” Valentina ignored her. Is she going to the airport? She doesn’t have her passport. She doesn’t even have much money on her. A train came. Valentina got on. Julia got on after her.

Just as the doors were closing Valentina squeezed through them and jumped off the train. Julia saw her standing on the platform, watching the train slide away with an expression of satisfaction.

Robert came home from the cemetery shortly after six. He made himself a drink and went out into the back garden, intending to sit just inside the cemetery wall and relax. He found Julia sitting on the bench. She had been crying.

“What’s wrong?” he said, against his better judgement.

“Valentina’s lost,” Julia replied. She told him some of the events of the day.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Just because she gave you the slip doesn’t mean she’s lost.”

Julia looked away. “Then where is she?”

“I don’t know, but surely she’ll come home tonight.”

Julia looked doubtful, but she said, “Yeah. I guess.”

Robert offered her his glass. “Would you like some?”

“No, thanks.”

“Can I do anything, then?”

“No. But thanks.” Julia went up to her flat, leaving Robert worrying in the garden.

At eleven o’clock Julia came downstairs and knocked on Robert’s door. “Any word?” he said.

“No.” Julia continued to stand in the hall. “What should we do? Should we call the police?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I’m not sure-”

The phone rang. Robert hurried to it. “Hello?…Thank God, we’ve been worried…Where are you?…West Dulwich? How did you get there?…Never mind, let me get a map…I’ll come in a minicab, just wait for me at the entrance, okay?…No, it’s fine, just stay there. Yes, no worries. See you soon.” He hung up and turned to Julia. “She’s at a railway station in south London.”

“Can I come?”

Robert said, “It might be better if you didn’t.” He found his wallet and his keys; he stepped into the hall. “I’m sorry, Julia. She sounded-overwrought.”

Julia said, “That’s okay.” She turned and went upstairs. Robert set out for the minicab office.

The journey from Highgate to West Dulwich was a long one, and Robert had time to reflect. Perhaps I should call their parents. I’m not equipped to deal with their issues, Elspeth is no help. I could call Edie and Jack, ask them to come over…and do what, exactly? Take them in hand…I’m not their guardian…What they need is a referee…

When the cab eventually pulled up to the station, Robert got out and stood on the pavement. Valentina seemed to materialise from the shadows; Robert saw her disembodied head floating towards him, then he realised she was wearing black clothing. Neither of them spoke. She got into the cab and he slid in beside her.

There was very little traffic. The driver was talking in Hindi to someone on his mobile. They rode for several miles in awkward silence. As the cab crossed the Thames Robert said, “Are you all right?”

“I’ve made a decision,” Valentina said calmly. “But I’m going to need your help.”

Robert experienced a qualm. Later, he thought that he should have stopped the cab, sent her home without him; he should have abandoned her then, and run through the streets of south London until his heart failed. Instead he said, “Oh?”