Xiaolu Guo - A Concise Chinese English Dictionary for Lovers

PLEASE READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY, as it say on the box. I open box, unfold notes, then start read. I never read condom instruction before. I think people maybe only read condom instruction when the first time they try to sex. Anyway I new to this.

Tear along one side of the foil, removing the condom carefully. Condoms are strong but can be torn by sharp fingernails or jewellery.

“What is jewellery ?” I ask.

“Sparkly stuff women love to wear,” you say, without emotion.

Only put the condom on when the penis is erect and before contact with your partner’s body. This helps prevent STDs and pregnancy.

“What is STD?”

“Sexually Transmitted Disease,” you reply quickly, as if is thing you are familiar as your every day’s mint tea.

Now place the condom over the end of the penis with the roll on the outside. With one hand pinch the teat of the condom to expel any trapped air, this will make space for the sperm.

I being stopped by these word:

one hand pinch the teat of the condom to expel any trapped air

…I needing several seconds to imagine that scene. Is like pornography. We cannot have words like this in Chinese. We too ashamed. Westerner has nothing too ashamed. You can do anything in this country.

Using the other hand, roll the condom down the length of the penis to its base. Withdraw the penis soon after ejaculation whilst still erect, holding the condom firmly in place at the base of the penis. Wait until the penis is completely withdrawn before removing the condom. Keep the penis and condom away from the vagina to avoid any contact with sperm…

I can’t continuing reading. I am totally lost these words. But you laughing.

Condoms are intended for vaginal intercourse, other uses can increase the potential for breakage.

I stop: “What’s that mean?”

“It is a hint. It means you shouldn’t put it into the arse.” You answer, very precise, but no more patience, as you start reading your Guardian Weekend .

I read other bits of instruction on other side as well, and they less important. For example,

Even if you are not planning on having sexual intercourse, it’s sensible to carry condoms with you, just in case.

Sensible to carry condoms all the time? Westerner can always have sex whenever they go shopping, or waiting for bus or train. Sex in this country is like brush the hair or the teeth.

Words on the instruction are more exciting than sexy magazines on shelfs of corner shop in our street.

charm n. 1. attractive quality; 2. trinket worn on a bracelet; 3. magic spell- v. 1. attract, delight; 2. influence by personal charm; 3. protect or influence as if by magic.

From first day we being together, until next two and three days, our skins being non stop together, not separating even a hour. You talk to me about everything. But I not understand completely. You say:

“I used to try to love men. For most of the last twenty years I have been out with men.”

I think is good try love men. World better place. But go out where?

“When I was a squatter, I made a lot of sculptures. They’d fill the houses.”

What squat? I take out dictionary. Says “to sit with the knees bent and the heels close to the bottom or thighs.” Very difficult position, I imagine.

What kind houses you squatted there? Don’t lonely sit with the knees bent without chair on the floor?

“I used to plant potatoes and beans on a farm, and I looked after my goats. I loved doing that, more than anything else.”

So you a peasant? How come you also such a city man?

“I love old things. I love second-hand things. I hate new things. I don’t want to buy new things any more.”

But old things rotten, dying. How you feel alively and active with daily life if only live with old things?

Every sentence you said, I put into my own dictionary. Next day I look at and think every single word. I am entering into your brain. Although my world so far away from your, I think I be able understand you. I think you absolutely charming . Thing around you fascinating.

I feel a concentrate of love for you, farmer, sculptor, lover of men, stranger. Noble man.

In China we say hundreds of reincarnations bring two peoples to same boat. Maybe you are that people for me to be same boat. I never met mans like you before. I think we perfect: You quite Yin, and I very Yang. You earthy, and I metal. You bit damp, and I a little dry. You cool, and I hot. You windy, and I firey. We join. There is mutualism. And we can benefit each other. And all these makes us efficient lover.

vegetarian n. a person who eats no meat or fish for moral, religious, or health reasons- adj. suitable for a vegetarian.

One problem between us and that is food.

Chop Chop , local Chinese restaurant in Hackney. I make you go there even though you say you never go Chinese restaurants.

Restaurant has very plain looking. White plastic table and plastic chairs and white fluorescent lamp. Just like normal government work unit in China. Waiter unhappy when cleans table, not looking anybody. Woman with pony tails behind counter she even more mean. A plastic panda-savings-tin sitting on top of counter. None of them can speak Mandarin.

“No. Sit there. No, no, not this table. Sit at that table.”

Waiter commands like we is his soldiers.

“What you want?…We don’t have tap water, you have to order something from the menu…We don’t do pots of green tea, only cups.”

I hate them. I swear I never been so rude Chinese restaurant in my entirely life. Why Chinese people becoming so mean in the West? I feel bit guilty for horrible service. Because I bring you, and you maybe thinking my culture just like this. Maybe that why some English look down of our Chinese. I am shameful for being a Chinese here.

But we still have to eat. Especially me, starving like the Ghost of Hunger. I always hungry. Even after big meal, later by one or two hours I feel hungry again. My family always very poor until several years ago. We used eat very small, barely had meat. After my parents started shoes factory, and left the poor peasants background behind, changed. But still I think foods all the time.

You not know nothing about Chinese food so I quickly order: duck, pork, fried tofu with beefs.

Meal comes to table, and I digging fastly my chopsticks into dishes like having a snowstorm. But you don’t have any action at all. You just look me, like looking a Beijing opera.

“Why you not eat?” I ask, busy chewing my pork in my mouth.

“I am not very hungry,” you say.

“You use chopsticks?” I think maybe that’s the reason.

“Yes. Don’t worry.” You raise your chopsticks and perform to me.

“But you waste the food. Not like Chinese food?”

“I am a vegetarian ,” you say picking up little bit rice. “This menu is a zoo.”

I am surprised. I try find my dictionary. Damn, is not with me this time. I remember film English Patient I watch on pirate DVD in China to education me about British people. “What that word? Word describe a people fall asleep for long long time, like living dying?”

“You mean coma?” You are confused.

“Yes, that is the word! You are not like that, do you?”

You put chopsticks down. Maybe you angry now.

“I presume you are thinking of the persistent vegetative state ,” you say. “ Vegetarian means you don’t eat meat.”