Diana Peterfreund - Under the Rose

“Like the initiation?” Mmmm…cappuccino.

Jenny snorted. “I thought the initiation was going to be much worse than it was.”

Clearly, no one had threatened to force her into sexual slavery.

“I thought it would be real blood, for starters. And Persephone? Please.”

I put my cup down. “You were prepared to drink real blood?”

“Gross, right?” Jenny slurped from her milkshake. “But it was for the cause.”

“I’m trying to think of a cause that would tempt me to drink blood.”

“Jesus died for my sins. I think the least I could do in return is drink something nasty. But I felt like I was being mocked with that initiation. So close, and yet so far from any real heresy. And definitely from any real evil. It was like walking through a haunted house at a carnival. I don’t think anyone was taking the Persephone stuff seriously.”

“I thought you didn’t believe in haunted-house rides.”

“I don’t, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been on them. I don’t want them banned or anything. It’s just silliness.” She thought about it for a moment. “It’s very complicated, what I believe. I mean, when I was younger, my parents loved Halloween and stuff. My mom, she’s Filipino, and my dad is Puerto Rican. They both have a lot of traditions that go back to superstitions, and I remember them being really fun. I even carved pumpkins and stuff at the church I went to growing up.”

“When did it change?”

“I’ve been kind of moving away from my parents’ beliefs—and from Catholicism in general—ever since I came to school. Micah says—” She broke off. “The point is, Rose & Grave wasn’t what I thought it would be, so as it turned out, there weren’t really any covens to destroy, you know?” She caught me eyeing her plate. “Want some?”

It did smell divine. I picked up a fork. “So you went Stockholm. Bet your boyfriend wasn’t happy about that, huh?”

Jenny’s expression turned grim. “Not exactly. I still thought you guys were evil. I decided I hadn’t looked far enough. Like maybe they were saving the real stuff for later, after they thought they could trust us. I kept searching.”

I clenched my jaw. “And then? When did you decide you hated us?”

“I didn’t!”

“You acted like it.” I glared at her. “You told your boyfriend about stuff we said at the meetings. You told him about my C.B. Don’t deny it!”

“I won’t,” Jenny said softly. “I’m sorry.”

I wiped at my suddenly misty eyes. “ Why? What could my sexual history possibly have had to do with devil worship!”

“Micah was…impatient.” Jenny scratched at the back of her neck, as if looking for her braid, for something to do with her hands. “He wanted to know more. He wanted to understand what I saw in you guys.”

“And did he?” I fought to keep from shouting. “Did he understand?”

“No. And the more we talked about it, the less I understood, too. I think that’s the real reason we’re supposed to keep it all a secret. It doesn’t translate well to barbarians.” She laughed mirthlessly. “If Micah ever heard me refer to him as a barbarian… ”

I could just imagine how he’d react. I rubbed my cheek. “And then?”

“I’m not like the rest of you, that’s for sure. I could see that once the C.B.s started. I was so afraid of doing mine—or not doing it, as the case would have been.”

“None of us are like the rest of us,” I said. “That’s pretty much the point.” Still, I’d been nervous as well, so it wasn’t as if I could blame her.

“I started thinking maybe Micah was right.” She dropped her chin. “I hated being there. Not you, but being there, because I wanted to like you guys, and I wanted to be like you guys, but I knew it was wrong.”

“To like us or to be like us?” I shook my head. “No one’s asking you to change who you are, Jenny.”

“Well, the person I am dislikes people like you. She isn’t supposed to go drinking with Demetria or think George is kind of cute and charming or want to confide in his most recent victim.” She shot me a glance.

“Okay, one, I’m not a victim. Two, you’re not supposed to know about that. And three, so we’re nice people. Whatever happened to love the sinner if not the sin ?”

Now she raised her head fully. “Oh, please, Amy. Everyone knows about you and George. We’re not morons. Remember how I caught you two making out?”

Eep.

“And I’d kind of forgotten that last part. With Micah, everything was You’re either with me or against me. I know that now.” She picked up a fry, then put it back down.

I took it as a sign that she’d finished, and began scarfing her meal in earnest.

“And the longer I waited, the more he started dropping hints that I was against him.” There was a catch in her voice as she said this. “I couldn’t bear that. He’s so—I’ve never met anyone like him. He’s so amazing. So sure in his faith. So pure.”

“The man spit on me and called us both whores of Satan,” I said. “Purity ain’t exactly one of his virtues.”

Jenny burst into tears. Oops.

“I just…I just…What could I do? I couldn’t lose him. And I thought he was right. You guys were pretty bad—I mean, not bad bad, but not what I—Never mind. It wasn’t such a leap to go from there to evil. And Micah—”

“What? He said he loved you?” I asked in a mocking voice.

She nodded miserably, and grabbed a napkin to blow her nose. “He said people needed to know what kind of things the Diggers did. He said it would be such an act of…” She broke into sobs. “…loyalty.”

Poe hadn’t punched him hard enough.

The waitress arrived. “Is she all right?”

“She’s fine,” I said. “Can I have another cappuccino? And do you think you could add a splash of Grand Marnier?” I needed a drink to get me through this.

“You got it.”

“You see?” Jenny had seen to her Kleenex needs by now. “Micah would have had a fit if he saw me drinking this early.”

“You’re not drinking, though, Jenny. I am. And I’m not asking you to join me.”

“Fine. Being with someone who would drink this early.”

“Who cares what Micah thinks?”

“I do. I did. He makes me so happy. Every time I’m near him.” She sniffled. “But I couldn’t do what we’d planned,” she said. “Deep down, I didn’t want to. Maybe I knew how stupid I’d been. That’s why I was so angry at you. It’s as if you people, and liking you at all, was keeping me from what I really wanted.”

“Micah.”

She nodded. “I figured I had a choice: I could either be this good person, or I could be like you.”

“Thanks.”

“You know what I mean. I had spent my whole life working hard, being good, making the right decisions, trying to live the kind of life Christ wants me to, but I couldn’t do it.”

“I think I’m missing where you’re falling short.”

“It’s tough to explain.”

“It’s tough to explain to a non-Christian, or it’s tough to explain because the explanation doesn’t sound very Christian at all?”

She hesitated. “The latter.”

“The part where you destroy us for the glory of God.”

“Yes.”

“Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.”

She was quiet for a moment. “Hebrews 10:30?”

“Romans 12. I think. But it could be both. When He really means something, I think God says it a couple of times.”

“Right.” Jenny swallowed. “You read the Bible?”

“I took a class.”

She let that sink in for a bit, then continued. “So you understand that I couldn’t really wrap my head around it. I spent a lot of time praying for guidance, but the only answer I got was that betraying the society would be wrong. And Micah said it was because I’d been…corrupted.”