Chelsea Handler: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

"Don't ask."

"What? Girl, please don't tell me you managed to fuck it up. I put in a good two to three hours workin' that shit out for you. Do not tell me you somehow managed to fuck that up."

"Carter does coke and couldn't get it up."

Her mouth stayed open until I physically closed it for her.

"I think you should give him another chance," she said. "Did you give him your number?"

"He gave me his and it's still upstairs where I left it."

" Chelsea," Shoniqua said in her shame-on-you voice.

"I've decided I'm taking a break," I told her.

"A break from what?" she asked.

"Sex. I'm not having sex for a while, or at least until I meet someone I care about. I'm done."

"Well, shit, I've never heard you say that before," Shoniqua said. "You might go into fucking shock."

"It's not fun anymore, and you're right. I'm an actual grown-up and whether I like it or not, someone is going to have to marry my ass one day so I better start getting ready for him."

"Copy thatV Shoniqua said.

"Did you hear that, Ahmed?" she said to the driver, whose name she didn't know. " Chelsea 's closing up shop for the winter! Well, it's about fucking time!"

We were flying to New York City to film some more of our television show, so my father decided to pick us up from the airport and bring us home for dinner.

"I can't wait to see your hot mess of a daddy," Shoniqua said as we collected our luggage from the baggage claim.

We walked outside and I spotted my father standing halfway out of a purple two-doored Ford Escort with racing stripes. The front fender was missing, and having grown up with vehicles like this parked in our driveway for years at a time, I was able to deduce that the car was from somewhere between 1980 and 1985. We were in the year 2005.

"There's Melvin." I pointed.

"Where, where?" She looked around excitedly.

"Right there."

"Look at that piece of shit car," she said.

Melvin saw us heading in his direction, leapt out the driver's side door, and started waving.

"Do you see those fucking sausage fingers attached to his hands?" Shoniqua asked, smiling and waving back.

He came around the door so we could see his complete outfit. He had on dark sunglasses that took up half of his face and a tan cowboy hat that barely fit his head. He was wearing a huge multicolored sweater covered in grease stains that my mother had undoubtedly knit for him, over a red golf shirt whose collar was exposed. Completing his look were cargo pants held up by suspenders and Velcro high-top sneakers.

"Look at him, look at him…" Shoniqua repeated several times over. "What up Melvin?!" she screamed and ran in his direction.

"How's my black magic?" he asked her as he went in for a kiss on the lips and she turned her face in order for it to land on her cheek.

"Look at you!" she said. "This is a hot car."

"You like it?" he asked.

"Like it? It matches your sweater," she said as she hopped into the front seat. I went around my father's side, endured his kiss on the lips, climbed in the back, and wiped my mouth.

"You wouldn't believe it, but this car has a hundred and fifty thousand miles on it," my father told us.

"It looks brand new," I said.

"What's up with the fender, Melvin? What happened to that?"

"Oh, who cares? That's aesthetics. You don't need a fender for a car to work. I've had this car in the paper for three days and have already had ten calls. It's gonna go quick."

Shoniqua turned her head to make eye contact but I focused on the traffic.

"So how was the trip?" he asked. "Did you keep Chelsea out of trouble?"

"Yeah, you know me, I try and keep her ass on the straight and narrow," she told him.

"She's gotta be very careful, my daughter. Men love her. And she loves men. She's very attractive, just like her daddy."

I pressed my face up against the window in order to focus hard on something else.

"Yeah, she sure is, just like her daddy,'" Shoniqua said. She poked her finger behind his seat and into my leg. She does this all the time, and on occasion I've bruised from it.

"You know, when I was younger-not so much anymore-women were very drawn to me," he said. "I've lived in several parts of the world- Italy, Spain, Greece, Germany -and I was quite a ladies' man back in the day."

"Back in the day?" Shoniqua asked.

"Yeah, back in the day… quiet tip, I know what all the young people are saying these days, I get MTV, I watch The Real World."

"Really?" she asked.

"Oh yeah," he said, just as his cell phone went off playing Usher's "Confessions" as its ring.

"Okay," Shoniqua said and threw her purse at my head. "This motherfucker is crazy," she hissed through clenched teeth.

Melvin was on the phone with a prospective buyer. "… mint condition, purrs like a baby, AM/FM stereo, manual windows, spoiler, all the bells and whistles… $1275 is what I'm asking. No negotiating!"

"He wasn't serious about buying a car, people don't know what they want," he said as he hung up on the person. "So anyway, Chelsea 's mother ordered some Chinese for you girls." He turned to Shoniqua as he drove over a curb. "Unless you want us to pick up some chicken on the way back."

"I'm good with Chinese," she said as she tightened her grip on my kneecap. I didn't know how much more of this I could take and Shoniqua now had her window open with her head sticking out of it.

"You girls want some AC?" my father asked. "The AC's powerful, just put in some new coolant." He went on. "Anyway, like you were saying, I had my heyday too once, women were just drawn to me… still are in a way. Sometimes I'll go to the market and three or four different women will ask me where to find anything from pickles to peaches. I feel sorry for the ladies, probably widows… they see a man like me, don't know what to do with themselves. Chelsea 's the same way, can't keep her away from the men or the men away from her."

Shoniqua blew her nose and somehow managed to comport herself. "I think Chelsea 's going to be taking a break from men for a while," she said. "I'm gonna try and get her ass a husband."

"Really?" my father asked.

"That's right. She's twenty-eight now, she needs to start focusing on being an adult."

"Well, I'm glad she's got someone like you looking out for her. God knows she's never listened to me or her mother."

"You got that right, Melvin. I'll straighten her ass out. She could write a book about all the men she's been involved with."

"That's not a bad idea, Shoniqua, that could be catchy."

"You hear that, Chelsea." She turned and looked at me. "You should write a book."

"What a dumb idea," I said.

Michael Broussard, Colin Dickerman, Stephen Morrison, Marisa Pagano, Mark Schulman, Susan Haber, Matt Johnson. Chet, Roy, Glen, Simone, Shana, Olga, Wideload, Mikey, Black Magic, and all my nuggets. Aunt Gaby and Uncle Terry Burke for all my vodka. Panio Gianopoulos, thank you very much for all of your work, very nicely done. Except for the day you went to the "chiropractor."

Chelsea Handler was born in Livingston, New Jersey, and has toured the country doing stand-up. Now settled in Los Angeles, she can be seen at the Comedy Store and the Laugh Factory, and as one of the stars on Oxygen's Girls Behaving Badly. Chelsea has guest-starred on programs such as Spy TV, My Wife and Kids, The Bernie Mac Show, and The Practice, Reno 911 and her stand-up has been televised on VHl's Love Lounge, Comedy Central's Premium Blend, HBO's broadcast of the Aspen Comedy Festival, and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.