Chelsea Handler - My Horizontal Life - A Collection of One-Night Stands

At the end of the party, Lydia told us that we were all going to after-hours at some guy in a Batman suit's apartment. The only selling point was that the apartment was in Santa Monica, located conveniently around the corner from Lydia 's.

We were approaching the building when I thought it looked eerily familiar. There are many apartment buildings in Santa Monica that are nearly identical; I figured that was the case here. But as Ivory, Jen, Lydia, Holden, and I piled upstairs into Batman's apartment, I glanced around the place and got a not so melancholy feeling. I never forget an apartment. A face, maybe, but not an apartment. I eyed Batman carefully but didn't recognize him at all.

"How long have you lived here?" I asked as I was checking my e-mail from his computer.

"About ten years," he told me.

"Do I look familiar to you?" I asked him as he handed me a beer and I sat there in my M &M costume. I clicked over to Oprah's Web site to see if they had decided on next month's book.

"Not really, what's your name?"

" Chelsea."

"No. Maybe we've seen each other around."

After realizing that this after-party was going nowhere fast, I went into the kitchen and made myself a bowl of Top Ramen. Unfortunately, I had to eat it right out of the pot with a pair of unused chopsticks, because I didn't spot a dishwasher and judging by the looks of this place, he wasn't a good cleaner. The girls were all sitting on his couch as they listened to music. I was tired and reminded them that nothing positive happens after two A.M.

Batman looked at me with devilment in his eyes and said, "That's not true."

I didn't like his tone and left the room. I walked into his bedroom and found a Nintendo box attached to his TV.

Nintendo had been replaced by Play Station years earlier; I hadn't seen one of these boxes since middle school. The excitement I felt at that moment could be paralleled only by J. Lo releasing another album.

I was on level four of Super Mario Brothers when Ivory came in and told me that she thought Jen and Batman were going to hook up.

"She can't," I said. "I think I may have already slept with him."

"You did?"

"I'm not sure, but this place seems familiar."

Ivory left and got Lydia. They stood above me with their arms crossed, watching me play.

"Well, did you or didn't you?" Ivory asked.

"I don't remember, but I know I've been here, and I can't imagine sleeping over at a stranger's house without having sex with him." Then Batman walked into his bedroom holding a black piece of tar and asked if any of us were interested in smoking hash.

"Are you serious?" I said. The thought of smoking a brick had about as much appeal as seeing Michael Bolton perform live.

"Who smokes hash?" Lydia asked.

"Wait a minute. I know how I know you," I said.

Upon being offered hash, the memory flooded back. I was once partying late night at the Compound with some of Lydia 's neighbors and Batman was there. He lived about ten blocks from me at the time, so we shared a cab home, but I was so drunk that when we stopped at his place, I got out as well. He didn't remind me that I didn't live there. When I walked inside and realized I was at his house, he leaned in and tried to kiss me. I told him to back off and get me a cold compress, a fan, and a pillow for his couch.

"I crashed here one night a couple of years ago, remember? I slept on your couch and you brought me a cold compress and a fan? Remember, I didn't feel so well?"

"Oh yeah, kind of… you were pretty wasted," he said.

"Oh, my God, that is so funny! Where was I?" Lydia asked.

"You were probably dating Ass Breath," I told her.

"Did you guys hook up?" asked Ivory.

"No, I just slept over," I said.

It was true: we hadn't had sex. I felt an immense pride at that moment for having slept over a stranger's house without hooking up. All of a sudden it was as if I were the mature one in our group of girls, and I made a note to myself to counsel them later on how "no means no!"

"Didn't you clean my apartment?" he asked me.

"Yeah, a little bit," I said. I had cleaned up because when I woke up in the morning, I couldn't believe the squalor this guy was living in. I am not a neat freak, so if I'm tidying up around someone's place, it's got to be pretty unsanitary. I distinctly remember there being cold cuts stuck to the wall.

"How did you remember sleeping here after a couple years?" Ivory asked me.

"Because he offered me hash that night too, and these are the only two times in my life that has happened."

"I can't believe you didn't sleep with him," Lydia said.

"Well, Lydia," I said very condescendingly, "sometimes you have to make smarter choices."

"Shut up, asshole," said Ivory.

"Can we go, or does Jen want to hook up with him?" I asked.

"Yeah, let's go. You wanna sleep at my place?" Lydia asked.

Holden, Ivory, Lydia, and I called a cab while Jen stayed behind. We got dropped off at the Compound and Ivory had the cab take her home. Holden walked to his apartment and I told him I'd come by in the morning for my car.

People were still up at the Compound partying. There was loud music playing and strangers were dancing in the courtyard.

"I'm going to bed," I told Lydia. "Give me your keys."

She looked through her purse for an amount of time that I knew could only result in her not having them. "Shit," she said. "I think I left them at Batman's or in the cab." She didn't seem bothered by this at all. "Oh, well. We'll figure it out," she said.

Lydia 's neighbor Gary moseyed over in his cowboy costume to say hi. He tipped up his five-gallon hat and asked what was wrong.

" Lydia lost her house keys and I need to sleep," I said.

"My door's open," he told me. "Just go crash. I'll take the sofa."

"Great," I said. "Thanks, Dubya."

Not knowing Gary or his hygiene very well, I decided to keep my M &M outfit on. My tights and green rotunda would protect me from any potential bedbugs. I passed out and remember feeling Lydia climb into bed some time later that night and then someone else climbing into bed with us.

At around six in the morning I awoke to noises that can be associated only with heavy petting.

They were coming from the bathroom. Suddenly, there were loud crashes of what I presumed were toiletries falling to the floor.

"Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! G-G-G-G-Gary! Yes… right there, no up more, oh, my GOD!" yelled Lydia.

Though I couldn't see myself, I knew I had the same look on my face that Macaulay Culkin had in Home Alone when he finds out that his parents have forgotten him.

I rolled out of bed, fell on the floor, and crawled out the door, keeping my head down like I was dodging enemy fire. I hadn't walked two steps outside before I realized I needed my cell phone, purse, and shoes. I tried the door. Locked. I knocked, but no one answered.

I looked around for any sign of life but quickly realized that at some point the night before I had taken my contacts out. Everything beyond twenty feet was blurry. This was not good. I paced back and forth, wondering what my next move would be, when I remembered my car was only blocks away at Holden's.

Could I walk the five blocks to Holden's in my M &M outfit? I knocked on the door of Gary 's apartment again, but to no avail. I could still hear Lydia moaning. I felt as if I might become physically ill. This was a complete disaster. I couldn't believe Lydia would have sex while I was feet away in the same apartment. This wasn't high school!

Hearing your friend moaning someone's name during sex is down there with seeing your parents have sex. I know because, luckily for me, I had now experienced both.

There was no other choice. I ran down the steps of the complex and started sprinting along the sidewalk toward Holden's apartment. I stubbed my toe almost immediately, which slowed me to a brisk limp.