Chelsea Handler - My Horizontal Life - A Collection of One-Night Stands

I liked him instantly. Ivory should be a matchmaker. I had my legs crossed and I was leaning up on my elbows. I looked like I was posing for Playboy.

"You are Miss…"

"You can call me Chesty-I mean Chelsea." I gave him my best smile. You would have thought we were at a picnic.

"Okay, Chelsea, you can call me Dr. Luke."

"Oh, thank you!" We both laughed. He was funny.

"And what seems to be the problem today?" he asked

"Oh, nothing in particular, just my annual Pap smear."

"It says on your chart here that your last Pap smear was two months ago."

"Really?" I asked. "That's weird, I could have sworn it's been a while."

"Well, your last doctor sent the test results over, and that's the date of the exam."

"He's actually not all there… mentally, if you catch my drift. That's why I'm here. I think his time as a doctor may be up."

"Oh, I see," said Dr. Luke. This was going badly. What was with the third degree?

"Well, let's get started," he said. "Why don't you lie back and relax. We'll just take a look and see if everything's in order."

I noticed pictures of him on sailboats all over his walls. "Are you a sailor?" I asked as he stuck something cold into my vagina.

"Yes, about every free chance I get."

"How weird," I said. "Me too!" If had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

"Really?" he asked. "How often do you go out?"

"Every chance I get."

"Do you have your own boat?"

"Yes. It's being fixed, actually, just a little Boston whaler." It occured to me that a Boston whaler was not a sailboat. He asked what was wrong with it, and I panicked and said a flat.

"I mean… uh, not a flat, an oil leak," I said.

"Do you compete?" he asked me, as he peered up from in between my legs.

"Not really, but I love to watch. Sailing has always been my favorite thing to do."

I didn't even know what I was talking about. I wasn't sure if I was making any sense at all, and I needed to steer the conversation elsewhere, before he found out that the closest I'd ever come to sailing was going down the water slide at Great Adventure.

"There's a regatta in Catalina this weekend," he told me.

"Yes, I was supposed to go, but since my boat's in the shop, I think I'm gonna miss it. I was really looking forward to it."

"My partner and I are going." He didn't look at me when he said this. Was this an invitation?

"No kidding! Oh, I'm so jealous. It's gonna be such a blast."

"You know, you can take a boat over to Catalina from Long Beach," he informed me. That definitely didn't sound like an invitation.

"Oh, yes, I know," I said, "but it's just not the same."

"Well, everything looks okay down here. We should have the lab work back in a couple weeks, and we'll let you know if anything comes out irregular."

"It shouldn't. I haven't had sex in a while. Anyway, thanks again. I didn't feel a thing." I considered telling him that it was the best Pap smear I had ever had, but I didn't want to overdo it.

"Who were you planning on going over to Catalina with?" he asked as he was about to open the door to leave.

"Oh, a girlfriend of mine. We go all the time."

"Well, if you girls are in a bind, I'd be glad to give you a lift to the island. It's nothing too exciting, just me and Dr. Wheeler, but a patient in need…"

"Oh, I'd hate to impose," I said.

"Oh, please, you might be doing us a favor. It'll be nice to have someone aboard who knows how to sail instead of me. Dr. Wheeler isn't the most gifted seaman." I wasn't sure if I wanted to make this kind of commitment, but Dr. Luke was getting sexier and the thought of seeing him in a pair of shorts with his hair blowing in the wind made me shiver.

"That would be amazing," I said. "Do you really think it would be okay?"

"Sure. It will be fun to have some young company. I'll leave my number at the front for you. Call me this week and we'll set it up."

"That's so awesome of you! Thank you!"

I couldn't believe how nice this guy was. That was so easy. Except for the part about me sailing.

I also had to figure out which girlfriend of mine was deserving enough of a weekend trip to Catalina with a doctor. Ivory would be very jealous, but she would have to lie in the bed she made for me. I got Dr. Luke's number at the front desk and hurried outside to find the nearest bookstore. I needed to pick up a copy of Sailing for Dummies fast.

My phone rang while I was driving. It was my best friend from high school, Rory. She had gone to Penn after high school, gotten an undergrad degree in psychology, and then moved to L.A. to pursue a career in acting and had instead pursued one guy after another. "I need to get out of my date Friday with that loser anesthesiologist. I asked him if he would anesthetize me the other night, and he looked at me as if I asked him to fuck me in the eye. I can't bear another dinner with this guy."

"Just tell him you're going to Catalina for the weekend with your new gynecologist boyfriend."

"I wish," she said.

"No, really. We're going to Catalina this weekend with my new gyno and his partner."

"Are you being serious?" she asked.

"Yes. On a sailboat."

"I love you."

"Thank you. I didn't actually get a look at your guy, but he is a doctor."

"Do they have access to anesthesia?"

"One would assume."

"Please tell me these arrangements were made while he was giving you a breast exam."

"I can one up that."

"You make me so happy, I'll call you right back."

Rory and I met our studs at his boat slip in the marina. Dr. Wheeler's name was Matthew. He was no Dr. Luke, but he was cute in a darker, more mysterious way. Rory immediately thought Dr. Luke was for her but I told her to step off.

The boat was beautiful. It was huge and white with massive sails. I knew for sure I couldn't pretend to sail it. I had brought plenty of booze along to give myself a good excuse, but apparently I didn't have to worry because another couple had been invited and they were "avid sailors." Dr. Luke told me that if I wanted in on any of the action I was going to have to take a stand; his friends Lori and Glen were very controlling at the helm of a boat.

"Oh, well, we'll just see about that," was my response.

An hour into our boat ride, Dr. Luke pulled out a bag full of Ecstasy. A drug-toting gynecologist! I had died and gone to heaven. When he asked us if we partied, I thought Rory may have peed in her pants a little. Matthew warned us to keep it on the down-low because Lori and Glen didn't "party."

We all popped our tabs and wandered onto the deck. The thought occurred to me that this was possibly the happiest day of my life. Rory and Matthew started an intense conversation about religion and life on other planets. Those two topics were about as interesting to me as the Louisiana Purchase, so I just bided my time and waited for an in to the conversation.

The more Matthew talked and drank, the more I got the impression that something was definitely wrong with him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I kept glancing at Dr. Luke for his reaction, but he was barely paying attention to me. Maybe I didn't look so good, I worried. But I knew that was impossible. I had had a facial and a haircut that morning. I'd have to be Tarzan to not look good at that point. During one of Matthew's stories, Rory leaned in and whispered, "He's hot." I was thinking the exact opposite but instead nodded encouragingly and said, "I know, see if you can get him alone."

Getting him alone, however, seemed impossible. Matthew was going on and on about how sometimes he can see his dead relatives, not really leaving much room for me and Dr. Luke to get to know each other any better. I needed to talk to Dr. Luke and charm him, so he would start paying more attention to me, but he didn't seem interested at all.