Daniel Rose - Larry's Kidney, Being the True Story of How I Found Myself in China

“Not just for a walk this time,” I say. “For good and all.”

She stamps her feet and sticks her tongue out at me! What’s that about? Then, what a hug she gives me! A full frontal, complete with burrowing her nose in my neck and roughly inhaling me.

Getting to the hospital to make my good-byes, I find Cherry, who loads me up with hospital papers and last-minute instructions to tell Larry’s Florida doctors about his ongoing care. I press her two hands to my heart: “Good hands,” I say as she nods, smiling. For the first time, it is not a promise or a plea. It is a statement of fact.

I go to the second floor to see Abu but can’t locate him. From his bed his dusky-skinned father says, “How is the Professor doing?”

“He’s pink!” I say, then realize that’s not necessarily a color that would speak to him. Besides, Abu’s father is not faring as well. He’s still awaiting a transplant, with no word on when it may arrive; an associate from Yemen has had two surgeries so far, and both have been problematic.

Leaving Abu’s father’s room to resume my good-bye rounds, I’m ambushed by someone throwing his arms around me. “Take me wiz you!” cries Artie the KFC deliveryman, near tears despite his helpless smile of double-harpsichord teeth. “I fatten you up!” I gently disentangle myself and give him the fake watch from my wrist. What the hell, I give him the fake one from my other wrist, too. With Artie on the case, maybe it’ll catch on in China as a power fad.

“Dan, ah, I think he be sweet at you,” says Mary, who has shown up unexpectedly, no doubt lost.

New mysteries all the time…

I accompany Mary to the ninth floor, where she tells me that a surprise is waiting. Sure enough, in our suite is a tall, weedy young man she introduces as her son. “Captain of college team-ah basketball.”

It’s a full-court press-a final-quarter tactic as the clock ticks down-to get Larry to seal the deal, but I don’t mind feeling manipulated, because I like Ling; he’s an upstanding young man, despite his loose-knuckled handshake. He even brought a gift of a personal plastic fan, which Larry’s placed on the table beside him, its gift ribbons blowing in the breeze. Ling is shy and also a bit rehearsed, with a lot of big words that could come from nowhere but a thesaurus. “My mother is a diligence and docile woman, also hygienic and plausible,” he tells me artlessly.

“You yourself are also diligent, I see. And I’m touched by your loyalty to her,” I tell him. “But it’s Larry’s decision, to make when he sees fit.”

“I see, I see. In that situation I give you two time alone to make farewell,” the son says. He squires his mother toward the hallway. But Mary is not ready to go yet. She balks at the door in her fur coat, looking as glamorous as a movie star. How’d that happen again? Whether or not they stay together, I’m glad she has my grandmother’s baby sister’s coat.

She speaks. “I need you understand me. We all together long long time, not just Larry-Mary: Larry-Mary-Dan. When you go home, I’m no happy.”

She starts dabbing at her eyes.

I still can’t tell if I see tears or not. But you know what? It’s not my business any longer.

“I hope you be happy every day,” I tell her. “And I hope I see you in Florida, if that’s what’s in the cards.”

Her son translates. “Oh, yes,” she says, lighting up. “In cards! Hope yes!”

I busy myself with last-minute packing while they make their way down the hall. When they’re out of earshot, I put it to Larry.

“So what’s the verdict? Marry Mary?”

Larry’s more chipper than I’ve seen him this whole trip, almost sunny. I have the feeling it’s not just because he’s relishing his newfound health; it’s also because he’s vanquished me. He won. He didn’t give me what I wanted. His victory gives him strength.

“My muscles feel lazy as a Kobe cow,” he tells me. “Ever have one of those steaks? They’re hand-massaged for twelve hours a day and given a steady diet of beer. Nuffing like good old-fashioned American beef. I look forward to getting some of those when I get home.”

“They’re Asian,” I point out.

“Are they?” he asks, merrily stretching his back muscles.

I’m feeling the tension, even if he isn’t. I regard his uncharacteristic vivacity with a certain detachment. “You look well rested,” I say.

“Do I?” he says. “Because I’m not. Mary and I finally found something better to do last night than sleep.”

I ignore his leer. It’s Mona Lisa in the clubhouse with her cronies after a satisfying round of golf.

“Congratulations,” I say.

“So what I figure is this,” he says. “No matter how it plays out from here, I still got the better part of the deal.”

“Tell me.”

“I came here for two things. To see if it would work out with Mary. And to see if I could get a kidney. Even if Mary doesn’t work out, I’m still batting.500. And just between you and me, the better.500 of the two, at an eighty-five-percent discount, fifteen cents on the dollar. That’s not bad for my rookie visit to China.”

“You say ‘rookie’ as though there might be more.”

“You never know, Dan. I may just decide to come back and run out the clock here. My pennies will last a lot longer here than at home…”

“Not a bad plan,” I say.

“And my blood pressure’s still coming down, so I just may not stroke out after all. Plus, I’m gonna ride in a Bentley.”

He pauses while he treats me to the sound of his diseased teeth triumphantly cracking the hard candies he’s nicked from various nurses’ stations. I place my toiletries in my bag, leaving out the black and gold yarmulke for Larry to keep. I’m aware that these are the final moments I’ll be breathing a certain loamy scent. Everything’s ready except for my laptop, but just as I reach to turn if off-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-it’s the brood from candeyblossoms.com. Yet they’ll have to go unanswered, by me, forever. I shut it down and zip my bag closed.

“And Mary?” I ask.

“I’ve talked to her in depth about her deceptions. That’s what I called them, no beating around the bush. I’m being very tough with her.”

“Good.”

“I told her there will have to be changes from now on. Because I continue to catch her lying about things, big and little. It’s an ingrained habit, makes me wary.”

“As well it might.”

“I put it to her in no uncertain terms that if I’m willing to go ahead and finance her education-”

“Larry-”

“-that I’m going to insist on a prenup.”

“Now you’re talking.”

“So she won’t get her half of my estate until a year passes-”

“Larry, make it five years! Ten years! This is supposed to be a long-term relationship.”

“I’m cutting her a little slack.”

“I swear, Larry, in your own way you’re a lot more forgiving than I am.”

“I’m just not ready to close the door. Maybe she has her reasons for doing what she does.”

“People always do.”

“Yes they do! And who knows, under my tutelage she may just turn into an honest woman after all. In which case I’m fully prepared to marry her and make her my wife. But if I decide she’s playing me for the village idiot, she’s dead in the water.”

“You don’t mean literally.”

“Probably not. But I’ll cut my losses and move on.”

“That’s what I like to hear.”

“You can beat a dead horse for only so long before it starts to decay.”

“Glad to hear those words, Larry, even if they do sound Chinese.”

“You want Chinese? ‘Be virtuous, but without being consciously so; and wherever you go, you will be loved.’”