Christopher Buckley - Supreme Courtship

“I’m not going to give a speech,” he went on. “But let me just say aloud what is probably on everyone’s mind. Back in the sixties-a period some of you actually remember-I was, of course, too young, or too intellectual, to pay attention…”

Another ripple of laughter. Pepper was struck by how relaxed Declan seemed; her own stomach was in knots. She’d lost eight pounds. Maybe there was a book in it: Supreme Weight Loss? Declan continued: “… the antiwar demonstrators used to chant, ‘The whole world’s watching’ as the police advanced with truncheons.”

This elicited a low groan from Justice Santamaria. “Truncheons?”

Declan went on: “All right, nightsticks. Batons. Clubs. Whatever, Silvio. What I am attempting to say is that I promise you all I will do my best. These last few months, I have not given you that, and I apologize to you. You deserved better. This institution deserved better. But as Chief, I have responsibilities, and one of them, it seems to me, is to remind us all that any further leaks, especially pertaining to Mitchell v. Vanderdamp, could have a terribly deleterious impact. Disastrous impact. This is the Supreme Court. So,” he smiled wanly, “let us act supremely.”

“Thank you, Coach Hardwether,” Crispus said.

“Anyone want to add anything?” the Chief Justice said.

“Yes,” Silvio said with a mischievous look. “I think we should start with a prayer. Why don’t you lead us, Mo?”

Justice Gotbaum smiled. “I tried prayer, Sil. Prayed for the Skins over Miami. [29]Looks like God is dead, after all.”

“Funny, I prayed for Miami,” Silvio said. “Won twenty bucks. I’d say God is great.”

“That sounds familiar. That’s right-it’s what they say as they’re flying planes into our buildings and stoning women to death. ‘God is great.’ Knew I’d heard it before. How does it go in the original? Allahu-”

“Won’t it be nice to have Bliss Forkmorgan back with us,” Paige Plympton interjected before Silvio’s and Mo’s badinage escalated, as it usually did, into full-blown jihad.

“He’s got his work cut out for him,” Justice Jacoby said a bit provocatively.

Justice Haro said, “So does Clenndennynn.”

“Okay then,” Declan said, in an cheery but emphatically peremptory tone, “I guess that’s it, unless anyone else has anything? Thank you, honorables.”

Walking out with Pepper, he whispered, “Quis…”

“Good luck,” Pepper said. “This is gonna be awful.”

“I’m not a believer, but I may ask Silvio to pray for me.”

“Say, Dec, about the leaks,” Pepper said.

“Um?”

“I was wondering-did you ever hear back from the FBI?”

Declan pursed his lips. “Not a peep. Our vaunted Federal Bureau of Investigation seems to have drawn a big fat blank. Disappointing, especially after all that abuse I got from everyone here for requesting an investigation in the first place. You’d think-how hard can it be to… Incompetence. Everywhere you turn, these days, incompetence.”

“I’m sure they did their best,” Pepper said, avoiding eye contact.

“Let’s hope they’re better at catching terrorists. Say, Pep?”

He had an embarrassed, boyish look. “Yes, Dec?”

“I…”

“Go on. Not going to bite ya.”

“I was thinking… until this is over, it might be better if…”

“If we don’t make violent love to each other?”

“There must have been thirty photographers and reporters outside my apartment this morning. Madness. Who’s to say they’re not tailing us.”

“I understand. This is going to be tough enough.”

Declan said sheepishly, “I’m certainly going to miss our… our… little…”

“You’re going to miss getting laid, is what you’re trying to say.”

He blushed. “I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Yeah, you did.” She gave him a chaste peck on the cheek. “I’ll try to channel my frustrated lust into oral argument. See you in Court, Chiefy.” She said after him, “If you get desperate, come on by my chambers. You can mount up, see if you can stay on for eight seconds and make the whistle.”

Pepper had never seen a human being turn that shade of red before. The Chief Justice scuttled off like a frantic crab. She laughed, feeling light, almost flighty, for the first time in a long while. It was short-lived. There was a message waiting for her: “Buddy-please call ASAP.”

She waited until “ASAP” no longer applied before returning the call. Would she meet him for a drink? He didn’t want to discuss it over the phone. He sounded subdued, not at all his blustery, cigar-smoke-blowing self.

“All right,” she said. “There’s a place called the Pork Barrel.” She couldn’t resist adding, “You’ll feel right at home.”

He was waiting for her, in the same booth, oddly, where she had conversed with Agent Lodato. As she slid in opposite, a waiter came over and said merrily, “Justice Cartwright! Good to see you again.”

“I see you’re a regular,” Buddy said when the waiter had gone to get Buddy’s beer and Pepper’s coffee.

“Yes,” Pepper said. “I do all my drinking here. We’re all major boozers on the Court.”

“You look fantastic.”

“Buddy?”

“Yeah?”

“Cut the crap.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“What did you want to talk about? I’m a little busy these days.”

“Yeah. Boy,” he laughed nervously. “Must be some kind of pressure, huh?”

“It is, yes.”

“Good luck with it.”

“Thank you.” She waited for him to get to the point. He didn’t. She said, “Is this about our divorce or your breach of contract suit? Because if it is, I’m not going to discuss either. It’s been so much fun paying someone six-fifty an hour to discuss it with that I’ve gotten used to it.”

He said heavily, as if each word were a cinder block, “I wanted to apologize to you.”

Pepper stared.

“Well?” Buddy said.

“Don’t quite know what to say. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say those words all in one sentence.”

“I mean it,” he said gravely.

“You seem of late, but wherefore I know not, to have lost all your mirth.”

“No Shakespeare, Pepper, please, I’m not in the mood.”

“What’s going on?” She looked at him with sudden concern. “You’re not-did you just get a cancer diagnosis or something?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“Did you just come here to apologize, or is there some hidden agenda here?”

“Why would there be?”

“Because I know you, Buddy.”

“I’m willing to drop the breach of contract suit.”

“I told you I’m not going to discuss it.”

“I’m also willing to drop the divorce suit.”

Pepper looked at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I’m prepared to forgive and forget.”

“I don’t even know how to begin to process that statement,” Pepper said after a pause so lengthy it was measurable in geologic time.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking,” Buddy said. “Maybe you have, too.”

“Not really. I’ve been too busy to think.”

“That’s good. That would be a good line.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know, if we ever did another show, say.”

“Buddy,” Pepper laughed, “do you have any idea how transparent you are? A doctor wouldn’t even have to give you a CAT scan.”

“Okay, maybe I reacted perhaps not perfectly.”

“That’s a good line. ‘Maybe I reacted perhaps not perfectly.’ Are you sure you didn’t study law? Talk to me, Bud man. What are you trying to say to me?”

“I want you back, Pep.”

Pepper stared. “Why? It’s not a trick question. You never really wanted me in the first place. Marrying me was just a way of sealing the business deal.”